After I'm gone...

[Anita]

Hi All--
Crossdressing was something I did as a teen, and then I did not do it again for 30-some years. Occasional fantasies, but no clothes, no makeup, nothing like that.

What I’m going to talk about here is one of the biggest reasons I came out to my family.

When my inner girl begin to come out, she wanted it all—clothing, wigs, shoes, and definitely makeup. I also saw that unlike my teen years, I felt a need to go out in public as a woman. This was before my Internet days, and I had no idea that anyone did that. I was very vague about this whole subject. For all I knew, I'd be the only one out there!

I had not repressed my femme self, but I certainly had ignored her. I thought she’d be content with the few “bones” that I threw her—like a green silk woman’s jacket that I had bought for stage performances, and seldom wore. Somehow, androgynous stage clothing did not work for me, even though I thought that it might “take the edge off” of the turmoil that I was beginning to feel about all of this.

The worst part of all of this sudden change was thinking about how it was all going to play out with family and friends. What was I going to do? Tell no one? Tell some close friends, but no one else? Most of my family live nowhere near me—so I didn’t have to tell them, did I? I had some months to think about all this, while the storm inside me continued to grow. I still had not bought the clothes; I kept putting it off.

I might have been tempted to just tell close friends and let it go at that. The family would never see me out and about, and that would be that. But as the weeks went on, it became clear that it didn’t matter so much about who did or didn’t see me. I begin to think about the scenario that I was going to leave behind. Wigs, women’s clothes, shoes, and makeup—all of these things in my closets and my bathroom. I get into a fatal accident out on I-80, and here comes the family to sort things out. Oh, what’s this…?

It was the thought of two of my nephews who really helped me make the final decision. They had idolized me when they were boys, since they were 10 and 12 years younger than I was. I found it hard to let them know about this new life I was heading into, because I had no idea how they would take it.

But the idea of them finding out after my death was much worse, to me. However badly they took the knowledge, no matter how angry or upset they got, I would still be here to talk to them if I told them now. If I were gone, there would be no one to tell them what had happened, or why.

Everyone has to make their own peace with this one; I don't intend any judgments about how someone is supposed to feel about this. Some of us may feel that it is part of our private lives, and we do have a right to them. I certainly felt that way as a teen; my CDing was private, and I saw no reason to ever tell anyone.

At 49, it became clear that it was no longer a private issue for me. I certainly wanted to think that it could be, or that it should be, but there was something different about it 30 years later.
It had stopped being private, and was now going to be secret, if I chose to keep it quiet. And I saw that secrets take energy to keep, and a middle-aged man like myself no longer had the surplus energy to do that. Even in the months before I told other people, I could sense how much repression it took to hold it all inside of me.

But it mostly came back to that image of my relatives going through my belongings after I was gone. I do not feel shame about what I do by going out in the world as a woman, as long as I am clear about it with everyone I know. But I would feel shame if I thought that I was leaving this discovery to people who are already grieving. This points out that I still have to deal with some conflicting feelings about what I do.

This is an upsetting topic; I remember it from some years back, on the other forum. Yet it needs to be thought about. For those of you who choose not to tell partners and family—how do you deal with the idea that the revelation will probably come to them after you're no longer there to help them deal with it? I don't say this to point a finger at anyone; but I am curious as to how each of you have made your peace with this, or if you have.

[Absaroka]

Anita this is a really good post with a lot in it, like most of your posts.

This is something I have thought about. My half measure solution was to write a letter which is in the dress up box which would ultimately be found after my death. It also directs them to speak to the very few people who do know, which yes could be yet another slap in the face at a terribly inopportune time.

Worst of all would be the simultaneous demise of both my wife and I. leaving the kids and guardians to deal with this. It has been suggested that I consider this further but I am at a loss.

Absaroka

[Carolynn]

Hi Anita, Absaroka. Though this is no longer a problem for me, in years past I went for the posthumus letter explanation. I had to rewrite it several times to not leave some bitter diatribe born of my frustration with life, but I did, I think succeed. I filed it with papers in a Things You Should Know file at home, and made sure family members were aware to look in there first immediately after my death so they could find my "final wishes". I hoped that would eliminate the scenario of finding the things, then the letter. At least there would be some forwarning.

Now, I have legally become Carolynn, and there are far more people whom I care about who know about my changes than do not, so the contents of that file has been reduced by several letters.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Love, Carolynn

[Anita]

Absaroka wrote:

Worst of all would be the simultaneous demise of both my wife and I. leaving the kids and guardians to deal with this. It has been suggested that I consider this further but I am at a loss.

Hi Absaroka--
I appreciate your answer. Since I remember the pain that went into thinking about this for myself, I can only assume that it has been a painful topic for you and for others, at some time or another.

Carolynn wrote:

Now, I have legally become Carolynn, and there are far more people whom I care about who know about my changes than do not, so the contents of that file has been reduced by several letters.

Hi Carolynn--
If there are some who know, it reduces the stress around this. It means that the ones who do know can explain some of it to the ones who didn’t know. Thanks for responding to the post.

[DeeDee]

Anita

I've said it earlier...I can write a heck of a technical document, but I'm not good writing otherwise.....My thread below is related to this..I had a document and and a few pics in an envelope...if I ummm passed on. Till I did this..and dad knows also..but hes addled...I was always trying to figure how to finish this end of my life with grace and dignity. Now my sister knows..and she'll take care of any...ummm indescretions. Before this..I always had a fear that I would pre-decease others..and have them discover what Dee was up to. Its out in the open now..and what a load off of my mind. Now, I know there well be someone who understands and loves:) Perhaps I didn't explain that well..and maybe not relevent to this thread...but
DeeDee

[Anita]

Hi DeeDee--
It's very relevent to the thread, yes, indeedy.

I was always trying to figure how to finish this end of my life with grace and dignity. Now my sister knows..and she'll take care of any...ummm indescretions. Before this..I always had a fear that I would pre-decease others..and have them discover what Dee was up to. Its out in the open now..and what a load off of my mind

You usually don't know what a load it was, until you're no longer carrying it. Sorry to hear about your dad--alzheimer's? Yet he knows...? Kinda like maybe he met your femme self, but really doesn't recognixe you in either gender anymore?

I hope things are still working out with your sister. That's still somewhat new, and she is still working on it, I'm sure.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Anita,

Another thoughtful post from the West Coast. Thanks!

As one who is totally out, this issue has vanished from my life. People know that this is who I am (with the possible exception of my 13 year old niece--who nevertheless suspects, I'm sure). One thing I'm hoping I'll leave behind after I'm gone is the sense, in people's minds, that here was a person who, although conflicted in many ways, had enough strength and courage in his convictions to not only pursue but also express his wonderful uniqueness as an individual. Posthumous letters optional.

Love,
CJ

[Anita]

Hi CJ—
CJ writes:

As one who is totally out, this issue has vanished from my life. People know that this is who I am (with the possible exception of my 13 year old niece--who nevertheless suspects, I'm sure).

Yes, being totally out solves this problem. It may create other problems, but it does bring peace of mind when it comes to letting everyone know while you’re still around to explain yourself.

That’s the simple answer. I would like it very much if it didn’t seem like such a no-win situation, for many. The idea of being found out after you’re no longer around to defend yourself is upsetting to think about, but the high price that some of us might pay for coming out in the here/now seems pretty dreadful, too.

I hope that as I continue on this path I’m on, I can come up with better ways for others to make the jump to open disclosure. It doesn’t mean that everyone has to know, although that is certainly one of the best ways to go. It just means that someone knows, and can share this part of us.

[Gaven McLaren]

This is a great post and with the loss of my father on Sept. 11 of this year I have been thinking about a lot of things. You bring up a good point of would I like people to find out when I died? I have been thinking about telling most of my family and friends for quite a while. I think it would be better to get it off my chest before someone finds out after I am dead. Now the question is how to breach the subject to the members of my family that are closed minded and that see any deviation from the Norm as Gay. Oh well I will figure it out sooner then later as I might drop that bomb soon.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Gaven wrote:

This is a great post and with the loss of my father on Sept. 11 of this year I have been thinking about a lot of things.

Your father just passed away on Monday? Oh, we are so sorry for you, and would like to extend our sympathies to you and your family!!!

I don't have an answer to your question about how to tell your family, because it will not be easy no matter how you decide to do it. You know that we'll all be here for you!!



- SL and her SO

[Anita]

Sorry to hear about your father, Gaven. Your mother is still alive, I take it, since on another thread you mentioned that she doesn't understand your CDing. Still having one parent (as I do) is a big deal, and I appreciate that my father is still around, though my mother died 12 years ago.

I hope you can figure out the best way to tell the people who need to know. There is no easy way to approach it, but once you've started, it gets a whole lot easier as you go along. That doesn't mean that everyone accepts, but your part of it gets easier because you now have practice at doing it. You also learn very quickly which approaches work best with various people.

I'm rooting for you. Whenever the time seems right, do what you have to do to make this work.