My Story and Situation (or....)

[KathyB]

Why You Should Absolutely Cherish and Appreciate Your Accepting SO

My situation: my SO is minimally tolerant. She's not the least bit helpful. She only attended local Tri-Ess meetings a few years ago to (a) be certain I wasn't having sex with other TV/CD guys, then (b) to tell other wives they didn't have to be accepting or tolerant of cross-dressing. Sure sounds like a real bundle of fun, huh? This post isn't going to be a rant about how my SO is a terrible person. That sort of thing wouldn't be helpful to anyone here, least of all me. This is about how my SO is still emotionally a child, everything in her life is fear-based, and she is not very likely to ever change for the better. Eventually, it will also explain why I'm still in the relationship.

When we met, she was married and looking to separate from her first husband. She was beautiful and sexy and wanted appreciation. She's not uneducated, she had two separate Bachelor's degrees and was an elementary schoolteacher. Like me, she suffered from depression and was taking Prozac for it. She had a previous history of prescription drug abuse (Valium and Xanax) but had fully recovered. After she separated from her husband, and before we ever got serious with physical intimacy, I explained I was a crossdresser. She didn't seem shocked, because she had figured there was something special about me. Her ability and willingness to accept Kathy along with Keith was an extremely important point in our relationship. We went shopping for things together (I was en drab) and she helped me pick out my complete outfit for that weekend, when she would attend the drag show at the local gay bar with me. She didn't have any problem with me buying a skirt and hose, she didn't have a problem with me wearing makeup, breast forms, and a wig. She didn't have a problem going with me to the gay bar, or watching the drag show. Her biggest problem was with all the smoking in the bar.

After her divorce was final, I moved into her house and less than two years later we were married. We had discussed Kathy getting a wedding dress for some very special pictures with two brides, but I didn't make it a priority. Knowing darned good and well that baby steps are so very important, I didn't feel the need to do that the same week we were getting married. There would be plenty of opportunities later in the marriage, right? Move forward a couple of years, I had gotten a group manager position at work, and things were only getting better for my career. As a manager, I dealt with problem employees, difficult customers, and even with problem bosses. I had a mentor in senior management who appreciated my ability to deal with difficult situations.

It was when I took on the challenge of another problematic superior that things changed for the worse. I wasn't sleeping well for several weeks and I wasn't able to deal nearly as well with this particular jack*ss as I had with others. Finally, one night when I was completely exhausted, she woke me up and admitted she had been abusing Xanax again. Why did she chose to admit it? It wasn't because she wanted help, it was because she had taken 75 pills in fewer than seven days, and none of the pharmacists would provide a refill so soon. She was crashing and coming down hard, and the physical withdrawal had made her a blithering wreck. I called her shrink and gave him a pretty severe verbal assault, because he was the same guy who fueled the problem during her first marriage. I drove her to the psych ward at the hospital and got her admitted very late that evening. I called in to work and advised them I wouldn't be in for the next day or two.

I visited her every day in the secured floor at the hospital, reminding her why she was there, and explaining what it would take for her to be released. I brought her everything she needed and anything else I could think of. When she was finally released, I attended mandatory counseling sessions with her twice a week for a year. I went to Al-Anon while she was at the AA meeting next door for another year. Despite coming clean from the drug dependency and completing two years of therapy and counseling, there were still serious problems to be resolved and they would likely take even longer. During her drug abuse, she had regressed to the emotional and psychological level of a pre-teen. She argued with me over the smallest things and spent more time watching television than anything else.

When I finally got completely fed up a few years ago, I completely moved out of the house while she was out of town one weekend. When she returned, I explained all my reasons for moving out. (They were completely about self-preservation on my part.) She was completely shocked and didn't know what to do. I refused to hang around and only visited one evening a week for several months. I finally got her into counseling with me as the first of many conditions for my eventual return to the house. After a few months of counseling when I was alone with the therapist, the therapist asked me for my estimate of my wife's emotional/psychological age. I guessed about 16 or 17, and the therapist said "lower". I said 14 or 15, and she said "even lower". The therapist said she was closer to an 11- or 12-year old.

I've got to get to bed now, but I plan on continuing this story. It's not all bad, and it might help explain where I'm coming from.

In the meantime, I wish you all (TGs and SOs) a wonderful relationship. Everyone deserves to have one, and there's still hope there may eventually be one in Zippy's future. Love you all,

Zippy / Kathy / Keith

[Virginia]

Honey, you know we are all pulling for you in this! I know that dealing with someone with "medically diagnosed" low self-esteem issues is a very challenging thing to have to deal with! Been there done that! Mine, as you know and as I have described, when she was born the cord was never cut!

I can hardly imagine having to try and support someone who abuses drugs and then act like a child, gheesh! Where do you start? With the drug abuser or the child? Got to be tough. Does she have access to drugs now? I mean, has a Dr. issued new prescriptions? I was so naive, my first wife (now deceased), was on drugs, I have no idea what, but I did not even notice it, I just thought it was PMS or "that time of the month!"

Kathy, you are a wonderful gal to try to make this work and I certainly hope it does. I can again only speak for myself, but have you tried just letting Kathy have free reign in the situation? I know that when I have let Virginia take control, it is absolutely amazing the strength that surfaces! Woman are such amazing creatures and if Kathy is a strong part of Keith, just let her out. I know you will be amazed at the results!

We are here to support you, so keep us aware of what is going on with you!

Love ya,
Virginia

[Absaroka]

Hang in there Zippy. Speaking as someone in recovery from substance abuse I can tell you that we can be very difficult to be with.

The childishness and drug abuse go hand in hand. When our kids were young I used to think how they sometimes acted like alcoholics. Actually it's the other way around.

Recovery is a life long process. I know that I will always have the ability to go from 0 to 100 mph in a microsecond in terms of emotions. My wife tells me I'm worth it though.

Maybe more Al-Anon. They say that the spouse is often more disturbed than the alcoholic/addict because they had to cope with all the addicts drama without the aide of the anesthesia the addict used so often. And as you know, Al-Anon is for the benefit of the spouse, not the addict/alcoholic.

Absaroka.

[Carla L]

Zippy,

With my daughter going through an eating disorder and abusing laxatives I can only add the helplessness I felt through the situation. I can't give you advice, I leave that to the trained professional, but I can let you know I do feel for your situation and wish you the best of luck.

I've resolved myself to learning what I can from the advice of my daughter's therapists, and checking behind her, even though I wish, in my heart, I could simply trust her.

I think you are stronger than I could be through this, I commend you for that.

[KathyB]

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. The year and a half I attended weekly Al-Anon meetings, I acted as a group leader for many sessions and tried to help others understand and cope with their own situations. Kathy is the larger part of me that is understanding and caring, and the reason I have a decent grasp on emotional or psychological situations. I'm thankful for my feminine intuition and capacity for understanding. I learned a lot of hard lessons growing up, and I'll turn 49 this July. Fortunately, she's not abusing drugs any longer.

[Denise Douglas]

Zippy, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you struggle with this. I'm very familar with Al-Anon and AA from the AA side of the fence. I have seen a lot of people get the help they needed from Al-Anon to deal with a situation.
Denise

[Jeannie]

Hi Zippy
You're a very good person to really try and work it out with your SO. It can't be easy and I feel for you Hon. It's so much easier to walk away but you chose to tough it out. That's commendable. You're SO whether she realizes it or not is a very lucky lady to have someone like you.
Just to post your situation took a lot of guts. None of our lives are perfect. Alcoholism,drug addiction,mental illness and all sorts of things affect everyone and there is no one spared out there.
I wish you the best Zippy and I hope you work things out. Hugs.

Love
Jeannie

[KathyB]

Denise and Jeannie: Thank you both for your kind words of support. Just for the record, things this week have been good. We had dinner at her mother's home Monday evening. The food was good and the conversation was bearable.

I think the most trying thing I deal with on a daily basis is my SO's entire outlook is self-centered and victim-mentality. Anything anyone (and especially me) says, she takes as a personal attack and begins to play the wounded victim role. It's entirely impossible to have an honest conversation with her regarding serious matters. She feeds her fear-based existence with the vicarious thrill of watching the so-called "news media" for hours every afternoon and evening, and then Cops and America's Most Wanted on the weekend. Needless to say, I really don't like news people speculating on things and passing it off as news. And I'll never accept them force-feeding me a long list of things I should be worried about. (Between the news media, the government, and the advertisers, I think they'd like us all to be constantly afraid of something. I ain't buyin' it.) Finally, television has apparently become the haven for has-been attorneys who don't try cases anymore to continually second-guess everyone else, then argue with each other over all the speculation. How anyone can watch hours and hours of this stuff and call it 'relaxing' is beyond my understanding.

For all the years I was single, home was my haven from the distractions and aggravations of work and the rest of the outside world. It was where I could dress, but it was also a time I was still uncomfortable with myself. Now that I'm comfortable enough to accept Kathy and want her to be a larger part of my life, I have a non-supportive SO who would rather watch the rabid news people argue with each other for hours, seven days a week. This really becomes a problem in the bedroom, because she'd rather watch this stuff until she falls asleep. Meanwhile, I'm made out to be the bad person because I don't want to hear arguments about things I really don't give a darn about.

Our level of intimacy is about zero. Keith needs emotional, psychological, and visual stimulation, and he'd rather obtain it from the SO. She never asks or suggests intimacy, and on those rare occasions (fewer than once a month) she prefers the wham-bam get-it-over-with experience. This is not the way our relationship started or continued through the first several years. If it had been, I would never have married. I'm not just talking about the initial honeymoon period being over, either. Sex was extremely good for us before her drug abuse and regression. She was an active participant and eager to try new things. She also learned how to relax and really enjoy herself during that time. Those are all things I really miss: the intimacy, the sex, and the relationship that is a marriage. It is my honest hope it might one day return.

[KathyB]

. . . although Keith just turned 49, Kathy is only about 39.

This post is about my home and marriage, though. Things have slowly been reaching a turning point over the last few months. In April, my wife admitted a few of the reasons she has been anxious her entire life. She's never learned to handle many of life's problems in a responsible manner. Instead, she's practiced unbelievable denial. Twice before she turned to prescription drugs when the stress and anxiety built up too long. She knows she can't do that anymore. Although she wouldn't see a therapist in April, at least she was beginning to admit she had a problem. A few weeks later in May, she fainted from high blood pressure caused by her anxiety. Her doctor sent her to the cardiac unit for twenty-four hours of monitoring, and fortunately everything returned to normal. After that, she stayed out of school for a week before returning to work.

She's been out of school for the summer several weeks now, and all her old anxieties have returned. She hates staying alone at home during the day because it gives her too much time to worry. Last week, she began waking up at 2 am or 3 am, and then began waking me up several times before 6 am each morning. Finally, she agreed to see her doctor (same one from the high blood pressure event) and obtain a referral to a psychotherapist for individual counseling. The crowning moment of the week? She admitted she can be as crazy as a loon and knows it's very difficult for me when she behaves that way. That's two major concessions on her part: 1) She admits her behavior is a recurring problem and 2) she knows it causes problems for me and our relationship.

I really hope this is the start of a long and finally positive recovery for my wife. It will make a world of difference in life for Keith and especially for Kathy.

[Virginia]

Good luck, Hon!!!

As we all know, admitting you have a problem is a giant step toward controlling and hopefully eliminating the problem.

One word of caution and I say this because those who may read it and are not aware of the "help" that my "ex" got from a "therapist," try and get a basic idea of what kind of treatment they are recommending or are giving.

If she says "Music Therapy" and/or using "Tuning Forks" on her feet, you and she may be in serious trouble. Been there done that!

We wish you only the best, dear and we are here for you!'

Love,
Virginia

[KathyB]

Virginia: Thanks, but there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that she gets away with a healy-feely fruitcake therapist. It's gotta be for real, or I'll call BS on her immediately. I'm pretty certain she knows that, too.

[Elizabeth]

Hey Kathy,

I am sorry things are going so rough for you. You seem to be keeping your head above water though and that's a good thing. For me, dealing with anyone on a personal basis who has problems and won't address them, is just about impossible. I admire your patience and understanding. You must love her tremendously.

I don't have much to offer you in the way of advice, you seem to be doing all the right things. I can offer my love and support to a long time friend here, who could certainly use it. You know me and my sisters here are always here for you and will at least give you a shoulder to lean or cry on, whichever you need. Good luck sis.

Love always,
Elizabeth