Needing Encouragement Sometimes... SO input appreciated.

Shannon · Post by **Shannon** » Sat Apr 03, 2004 8:10 pm

Not sure how to handle this, as you know I have a very suportive SO and I am very happy about that..... But sometimes I just don't know if I might be pushing the envelope..... When to dress and when not to dress...

I little backgound here... It has been over a month since I have dressed, it has been very busy... I have several large projects I am working on, also getting the yard recovered from winter, Sharon(SO) surgurey, my bout with allergies, etc... So dressing has not really been an option...

But I kind of feel like "not being able or comfortable with getting back into the swing"... I have wanted to several times, but just didn't feel like it was "right"... and that is all me. Sharon has made no comments or indications that "I shouldn't".... but yet I feel like she also hasn't made and comments or indications that "I should"....

Am I wrong for wanting a little encouragement from my partner? Or should I just take control and jump in?

Don't really know why I feel this way, just would like other opinions.

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sat Apr 03, 2004 9:05 pm

Hi Shannon,

It is very hard for me to know what to say to you here, but I will try. My first thought when reading this was to advise you to listen closely to the little voice inside of you and to follow it.

Then I wandered if you had let your wife know how you are feeling? It being over a month since you have dressed does not appear that you are pushing it in any way. I could however send her a PM for you

(just kidding)

As for you not being able or comfortable with getting back into the swing, I am at a loss of anything intelligent to offer, so I won't.

Wishing you well.

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Sat Apr 03, 2004 9:09 pm

Hi Shannon,
Reading your post reminded me of some conversations about dressing-up that my last girlfriend and I had sometimes. She was cool about it, especially early on when everything seemed new and fun... but a few times later expressed frustration about me needing to include her in it to for it to be okay. At the same time our place was small, so it was bound to impact her if I just dressed-up when she was home.
This put a whole different spin on things. In the begining we'd both start gettting all done-up spontaneously and it was such a fun-connection that I guess I was always ready for us both to get out our wigs and make-up and trade outfits...made for a fun evening that's for sure but sometimes I had a hard time reading if she would want to...after a while with no input either way we finally talked about it. I think I started very close to what you wrote and added that, coming totally from just MY OWN FEELINGS it was kind of touchy for me because if I suggested it at a wrong time I remember feeling awkward about it. We ended up agreeing that a little warning was smart for where We were at with the whole thing. Anyway I remember we decided on a "dress-up" breakfast for the next Sunday(It was mid-week).It was extra-fun that morning, we'd always pick crazy-purple-wig kind of outfits anyway so what a fun and silly way to start a sunday----- I can tell you respect your sweetheart's feelings on this, you sound smart and careful about communicating with her, best of luck!---------

Tea-cake

Shannon · Post by **Shannon** » Sat Apr 03, 2004 9:24 pm

Thanks to both of you for the comments.... they both are very intelligent and really hit close to heart...

I must say when Tea-Cake said

In the begining we'd both start gettting all done-up spontaneously and it was such a fun-connection that I guess I was always ready for us both to get out our wigs and make-up and trade outfits...made for a fun evening that's for sure

that really hit home...

Sharon and myself had had similar evenings and I know I really appreciate them, and I hope she did too....

That is kind of what I enjoy about dressing, having it be a fun evening for BOTH of us..... Which is why I get this feeling about "not wanting to force it".... I have long been of the opinion I will never try to or want to force my wife into something she does not want... her happiness is of primary importance to me and maybe sometimes I back off because of that....

But again thanks very much Tea-Cake and Darlene for you thoughtful comments....

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sat Apr 03, 2004 10:32 pm

Hi Shannon,

You know how I feel about this.

You should get dressed more and don't worry about asking her. Only because she's said on the board that she'd like to you dress more, but you don't seem to let her in.

I'm not sure SO's understand who difficult sharing this part of ourselves with them is at first, but when you don't you'll feel an emptiness.

You two started a WONDERFUL forum together for support. You should totally take advantage of the bonus life has given you and dress, dress, and dress more.

Have fun!!!

Beauty

RikkiOfLA · Post by **RikkiOfLA** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 12:48 am

Dear Shannon,

I'm sharing this because maybe it will help you...

My wife likes me to take the lead. To take the lead about sex, about what to do, about intimacy, etc. Not all the time, but most of the time.

From my point as a CD, this was, at first, fraught with peril. Because she doesn't want to be raped, abused, taken advantage of, dictated to, etc.

She wants me to take the lead that respects her boundaries (and perhaps reads her mind).

This requires a lot of trust and a lot of knowing each other. The trust is scary; the knowing each other just takes time.

So it sounds like Sharon maybe WANTS you to feel free to dress more of the time, and to include her in it (meaning do it around her) but wants YOU to initiate it more of the time? Does that make any sense?

At the same time, there are aspects of crossdressing she probably doesn't want, or is fearful of. Nancy (my wife) doesn't want me spending vast amounts of time or money on it, for example.

Is this helpful?

Joanna_S · Post by **Joanna_S** » Sun Apr 04, 2004 9:19 am

Hi Shannon!

You aren´t alone with your thoughts. I´ve been thinking about the same thing many times lately and no matter how thoroughly we deal with this subject with my girlfriend, these thoughts always come back. It somehow feels easier, if I dress on a regular basis but gets more difficult if there´s a longer period without a possibility to dress. Last time when we had a serious discussion I told her how important it is to me to hear a few kind words from her and that she somehow takes me into consideration when I´m dressed. I don´t know about you but for me it is necessary that my SO doesn´t treat me like air when I´m dressed. Lately I´ve heard many nice things from her like: "classy as always", " your make up looks great",
"that skirt really looks good on you" etc. Small words but for me they mean so much. I can be sure, her attitude towards my dressing hasn´t changed. I really hope you´ll find the joy of dressing again

Joanna

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun Apr 04, 2004 10:38 am

Hi all,

Shannon,

Could be you're in a slump. They do happen--especially when our plates are full.

Could be Sharon's in a slump--for the same reason, even though it may be less obvious to either of you.

My suggestion: talk, talk, talk. Share how you're feeling with each other.

Love,
CJ

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Mon Apr 05, 2004 6:43 pm

Hi Shannon,

I know EXACTLY how you feel as far as getting into the spirit of dressing when you have so much else going on around you. My brain was so bogged down with work that even when I had the evening free to dress and go out for a couple of hours to dinner or a cup of coffee, I could not because I could not get into my 'girly' frame of mind.

You have a wonderful wife, and a beautiful marriage. I admire the both of you for standing by each other. Perhaps some romantic time for you and Sharon is in order...

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Mon Apr 05, 2004 8:02 pm

Hey Shannon,
It seems that you have three options.
1) Don't dress, and see how long you can go.
2) Just do it. Your SO is very supportive and I don't think there would be any problem there.
3) Share these feelings with her and together come to a mutual understanding. (remember that she's dealing with other issues, and may not be aware of how you feel)

#3 would be my choice.

Ironically, I came home early from work today. My SO wasn't home and the kids were still in school. I took advantage of the opportunity and put on my newest outfit. Then I heard the door open (Amber). For about 30 seconds I hesitated. Then I walked out to greet her.

I hesitated, because for so many years I hid this side of me from everyone. I'm no longer hiding from her, but old habits die hard. The defense mechanism isn't easy to control.

She's studying right now, but later on I will discuss this with her. I intend to let her know of my inhibitions and how I still have difficulties.

Okay, now that I've babbled about my world, I'll shut up.
Good luck in whatever you choose.

Hugs,
Kyra

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Mon Apr 05, 2004 10:58 pm

Hello Shannon,

As you will appreciate, it's always so difficult to give advice to someone who is in a committed marriage, especially when one doesn't know the couple involved, but maybe I can throw a few things around for you to ponder and take from them anything you feel is of value. Anything I say is always meant in the nicest possible way and I hope nobody ever takes offence, so here goes.

From my personal experience I have always found that if two people really love each other, then the only way for each to go is to be honest and open with each other at all times. I just get the feeling that maybe you aren't communicating with her as much as you might. Do you think you may tell her more often of exactly how you feel, and what I think is then important is to always ask her how she feels and what she thinks. Never leave it as a one sided conversation, always give her the opportunity to put her point of view, it's so important.

Honest and open discussion I feel helps more than any other thing. You personally are the only one who knows and can decide how far you need to go and how often, also what you really need to do to make your life happy. Having said that, I think we also need to be aware that what makes us happy may not necessarily make our SO happy, that's why we need constant and open discussion frequently. If we are unhappy within ourself, they'll pick up on it and feel badly themselves, afterall, when we let them into our lives they know us better than they may let on.

I'm unsure as to exactly why you haven't dressed for a month, (which can be a long time in the life of a CD) or for what may be the real reasons you haven't. I say this because you are baulking at dressing now you have the time, and that can sometimes mean there is a struggle going on inside you for whatever reason. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved and she can't help you if you don't communicate.

I know we all go on guilt trips at times, which you may be going through, as you said, you wanted to several times, but you didn't feel right and you are waiting for her to give you encouragement. That spells to me that you may be on a guilt trip and unsure of yourself and your wife just now. I was under the impression your wife was very supportive of you, if that's the case, then have you explored as to what may have brought your indecision on now, maybe only you can know that, maybe it's all in your imagination. Maybe you are just run down due to work pressure etc.

I fully am aware that being who we are adds stress into a marriage, it's unavoidable as marriage has it's own ups and downs at the best of times. The fact of who we are makes our partner have to confront her own feelings and attitudes from time to time, and I guess that no matter how much two people feel they can accept things, both parties at some time must periodically wonder why we do what we do and where will it finish.

I think maybe if you need continuous signs of support from your wife, (which we all do) then communication has been lacking somewhat. People cannot know how we feel if we don't tell them. I know at times we all suffer from self doubt, the road we travel is never easy, but there can be contentment and peace, but to achieve that I think our partner is vitally crucial to the end result and we need to put all our faith and trust, (which they unreservedly deserve), in them.

It's a human trait that we all crave acceptance and for us to know that those who we love support whatever we do. Maybe you can dispell your doubts by remembering a wife can love her husband, but a wife whose husband is TG is truly a special lady. Her love is special because she gives it to you the hard way. She loves you dearly despite the general community belief that what we do is wrong. Not all women could love a TG husband, the fact she does and she supports you comes from deep within her heart, you let her into your very being and she accepted it, that is true giving, receiving and sharing of each other. Have faith in her and your relationship, if you keep open and honest communication about your wants and needs and always ask her how she thinks and feels about what you say, then a balanced compromise should always be easily found which both can happily accept. If you can do this then you will experience happiness and love beyond your dreams.

Most times things are never as bad as we first imagined.

I wish you both well, you are both truly wonderful people.

My Kindest Regards.

Sally.

Yvonne · Post by **Yvonne** » Tue Apr 06, 2004 5:43 am

Hi Shannon,

I'm joining this a bit late, but I do sometimes feel the way you describe: I'd like to crossdress today but I don't feel like it...a sort of ennui.

I think you answered your own question when you said "...should I jump in."

We don't need encouragement from anyone to do *anything* we know is right for us. It is not only a crossdressing-related feeling. I dress almost every other day, and I do it that often because I want a sense of what it is to have that identity, to be recognized in the street that way, related to that way, versus presenting as a male. It is a gratifying and fascinating part of my life. Yet some days, "I don't feel like it." I do it anyway, knowing it is right for me.

If you feel you need a break, then by all means give yourself that. If you feel like jumping in, give yourself that too. If it is something you want to discuss with your partner, do that, but i believe the impetus to crossdress has to come from ourselves.

I don't think your feelings are so uncommon or strange. I sometimes take one step backwards in order to take two steps forward when I am ready.

Good luck

Yvonne

RikkiOfLA · Post by **RikkiOfLA** » Tue Apr 06, 2004 7:10 am

Dear Yvonne,

That is so helpful, so valuable, so down to earth.

Thank you!

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Tue Apr 06, 2004 7:37 am

Hi Rikki!

I agree!!! Well done Yvonne.

Beauty

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Tue Apr 06, 2004 7:54 am

Hi Shannon,
I think Ed may be feeling like you a lot of the time. I don't think he knows when is the right time to dress, apart from putting on the odd nightie or blouse, he has rarely dressed when I've been around. I think he is maybe worrying whether it is OK with me. Hmm, I don't know, maybe, are you (and Ed) wanting 'permission' to dress?
Personally, I would prefer if Ed would dress just when he feels like it, without worrying if it is OK with me. I'm going to be out when he gets in tonight, daughter is away for the night, and I'm back home by 8pm, I think I will leave an outfit out on the bed for him, maybe he will realise that it is OK with me then! Or maybe that will reinforce his idea that I need to give permission, we need to talk! I think we are both walking around afraid of treading on eggshells!
I can only speak for myself, I don't know how it works in your house. Some SO's may prefer to be asked if it is OK, we are all at different stages of acceptance, and our CDing husbands are all at different places with their CDing. Talk to Sharon, get it out in the open, that is the only thing I can suggest, really.
Good Luck!
Curly(SO)

Crossdressers-Haven.com

Needing Encouragement Sometimes... SO input appreciated.

Needing Encouragement Sometimes... SO input appreciated.

Needing encouragement sometimes... S O input appreciated.

Re: Needing Encouragement Sometimes... SO input appreciated.