God, it's good to see this. People talking. Trying to understand each other. Valuing each other's input. This board is a minor miracle.Josey wrote:Hi to all the SO's on the forum,
I have spent many hours reading your posts and I see one thing repeated often. Many of you feel a lack of trust for their mates because the fact of CD'ing was kept from them for much of their marriage. I have a couple of comments which I hope will help calm some fears.
As I said several times in other posts. I have been a CD for many, many years. When I met my wife about 20 years ago, two things happened. First was the fear factor. If she knew, I would lose her. Second, and probably stronger even than fear, I was so much in love with this lady, there was no way my CD'ing was going to continue. I really believed that. Of course, I purged everything because I wouldn't need them again.
Within two months, I knew I was totally wrong. Even the love I felt for this woman couldn't overcome that ever present urge. I didn't have the advantage at that point of the internet and the stories of others. I was still alone in the world. No one else felt like I did! I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and told her. This was after less than three months of marriage. It ripped me to pieces to tell her and, as I was afraid, her first inclination was to end the marriage. After a few days of nerve splitting silence, she came to me, told me that this had been a part of me all along, and she had falllen in love with me as I was including these feelings. She said we work it out and we did for many, many years. Her only complaint was that I hadn't trusted her with the fact in the beginning. Sound familiar?
Telling her after just three months was near impossible. I can't imagine trying to tell her after 10 years or more. How would I ever explain it? The more time that passes, the harder it is for your spouse to tell you, just as it is harder for you to hear. As most of you are aware, the male is not nearly as macho as he might want you to believe. Most shake in terror at the idea of losing the one they love. Every CD knows their activities are not the norm and accepted social patterns. Most have gone for many years hiding what they do because they are concerned about the reaction of society in general. How do you think they feel about the reaction of the most important person in their life? Consider that there is a very good reason why many CD'ers don't always tell the truth about what they do. They feel that telling will alienate this most important person and that is just what they are trying to keep from doing. Unfortunately, as in the case of most good intentions, they backfire leaving you feeling a lack of trust.
Don't we live in a confusing world???
Thanks to all of you.
Love,
CJ
I most definitely want to thank Sharon and the rest who got this forum going and also thank Beauty for all the time she puts in keeping me straight. 
Thank you all.