45 years of marriage ended today I believe

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sun Jan 01, 2012 10:37 pm

Rony I'm really sorry to hear this. Has your wife softened her position any?

If not, why should it be you the one who has to leave? It's not as if you are abusing her.

Zari

Ralitsa · Post by **Ralitsa** » Sun Jan 08, 2012 10:25 pm

Am I the only one that sees this as blackmail?
Something else is going on. Nobody says "you have 10 minutes to answer" when they are honest. It's not about Ronnie's cding at all, there is some other foul play going on.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:23 pm

^ I agree!!

- SL

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:20 am

Thank you for your support.
She has been seeing someone for panic disorder for years and said she will discuss it with at her next appointment. I'm going to go along. I just hope she isn't one of those who believe a pill can cure this.

Ronnie

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:25 am

My going along has been shot down, she says no way. My fear is that I don’t that persons position regarding crossdressers, she may not have read DSM-IV

Hind sight, once again proofs to be the best answer.
When faced with the question gay or crossdresser, I should have replied, the underwear are more comfortable than those tighty white things. The fact is they are more comfortable at least to me.

I think if more men put macho aside and tried a nice pair of womens briefs. They would never go back. My opinion.

Ronnie

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:33 am

She could easily feel that she needs to keep the space she has with her therapist to herself. But, on the other hand, the idea of the two of you going to see a professional together sounds a reasonable one. It might open up channels of communication that are otherwise blocked.

One thing you say is that you started dressing more when you realised your own mortality - which suggests that there is a stress-related element to it. Your wife, you say, is seeing her therapist for panic disorder. So there might be some parallel (between your stress and her panic) between the two of you. It just occurs to me that if you see an unbiased professional together, he/she might be able to bring out this sort of stuff thus creating commuication which at present doesn't exist.

You can't just go on allowing your wife's point of view to dominate the situation. If she won't accept yours (which she seems unable to do), a reasonable policy would be to try to gain that of an unbiased interlocuter.

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:58 pm

I'm with Anthony. Some things my better had never told me came out when we went to see a third party for help. We also realized within a couple sessions, we didn't want to be apart. Sounds kinda odd that we didn't "know" but we got to say it explicitly and that certainly changed our attitudes for mutual coping. We made an effort to work together to ensure we didn't have to break apart. Compromise compromise comprise -- requires two-way dialog.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:54 am

Was she having a panic attack when she gave the 10 minute ultimatum? Panic by definition disorders people's thinking.

Zari

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Wed Mar 21, 2012 6:41 am

Things are not looking any better.
I get do all my own laundry now
SO finally went to see her Dr. and told her I'd said I was a CD. She asks my wife what she felt, SO's reply “like I'd been sucker punched and the floor pulled out from under me”. She told my SO she needed to see a physiologist for counseling and she was still in shock. She ask if I wore dress’s or skirts, SO reply not around her, did I wear make-up , SO not that she knew, did I wear lingerie , So said yes, Dr.’s reply that I have a fetish. The real blow was when my SO said her dr. wanted to know if I was still living here and why.
And as part of the discussion my wife and I were having, one sided thou it was, if I ever do it again in this house she will tell our son about it.
My wife said you can’t find out anything CD on the web, I told she didn’t look and I would send her a couple of links to follow. No reply.
I was thinking about Tri_ess or Dixie chick site, any suggestions.
Ronnie

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Mar 21, 2012 8:34 am

I'm sorry to hear that things are still going badly. How old is your son?

I wasn't clear about the doctor telling your SO to see a phsiologist for couselling. Did you mean psychiatrist or psychologist? Seeing a physiologist would suggest your wife has physical problems.

Lots of SOs feel like yours did about the sucker punch. They think the CDing is more important than it is (bearing in mind that WE obviously think it's important or we wouldn't keep doing it and have websites and organizations). The feeling of having gone so long without knowing is very disturbing.

Amy Bloom in Normal described it like this, to paraphrase. First wives are often told after many years. 2nd wives are told when the relationship becomes serious. 3rd wives are told on about the 3rd date.

One of the reasons we don't tell our SOs is exactly what you've described, their reaction or expected reaction. We are put in the difficult position of being told we should have told the truth to someone who might not have been able to accept the truth.

Married men and fetishes are another story that is uncomfortable. Is your wifes therapist's assessment that you have a fetish accurate? You can see right in these forums how uncomfortable the word fetish makes many people. Those who are transgendered object to it because it mis labels them. But others I think just dislike the idea of unusual sexual ideas. I'm reminded of the fantasy that married men don't masturbate, that they only want sex with their wives.

I'd be concerned about a lot of CDing stuff on the web. If she looks herself she will likely find a lot of porn, which may upset her. If she goes to places like Tri Ess and starts reading about the woman within she may start to think you want SRS, which will not reassure her at all.

Actually the only thing I'd recommend is the abovementioned book, Normal, by Amy Bloom. She devotes about a third of her book to us, describing us perhaps more prosaicly than we would like but that might be a good thing.

Also there are things like the Janus report. We get about a page in the whole book but it gives guesstimates as to how common CDing is and also provides a subtext about just how much variety there is in human sexual response.

WIthout demonizing your wife, it's perhaps important to remember that she started seeing a counselor for a reason, and that this had nothing to do initially with your CDing.

Hang in there

Zari

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:23 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-1c5LPilzA

Peggy Rudd's book
http://www.amazon.com/Husband-Wears-Clo ... 096267625X

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:54 pm

Rony wrote:SO finally went to see her Dr. and told her I'd said I was a CD. She asks my wife what she felt, SO's reply “like I'd been sucker punched and the floor pulled out from under me”.

I've read some of your earlier posts and this seems unreasonable to me. In those you say that you had the impression that your wife "didn't want to go there" when you wanted to discuss your clothing preferences (i.e wearing panties, which she knew about). On one occasion you state that she actually said that. You say (then - 2006) your opinion was that your wife really knew but was in denial.

She told my SO she needed to see a physiologist for counseling and she was still in shock. She ask if I wore dress’s or skirts, SO reply not around her, did I wear make-up , SO not that she knew, did I wear lingerie , So said yes, Dr.’s reply that I have a fetish. The real blow was when my SO said her dr. wanted to know if I was still living here and why.

This is all second-hand. It's what your wife said her doctor said and I think it's almost certainly coloured by what she wants to hear.

And as part of the discussion my wife and I were having, one sided thou it was, if I ever do it again in this house she will tell our son about it.

I'm not sure how much good that'll do her. But she really does seem to have it in for you. Near as I can tell this dates from last summer (before her ultimatum at Christmas). Then you said she was getting venomous (presumably about this, though without being explicit). The implication is she knew even then - without confirmation from you. I can't see anything you've done to set her off - she's just gone like that.

You've said she sees someone for panic attacks (and has been doing it for some years). In one of your earlier posts you also mentioned that she had some problems which would cause her to drink for several hours on end - in order to cope. My read of this is she's someone with problems of her own and what you're getting is largely derived from them. This is because she was able to cope with your CDing by denial previously and now she's not. Something has changed in her - and rather than face it she's dumped it on you - that's my opinion.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:43 am

Rony I missed the part where you said sometimes your wife drinks a lot, but picked up on it in Anthony's post. Bottom line is trying to talk with someone who has a drinking problem when they are upset compares unfavorably with argueing with a two year old while they are having a tantrum.

If in fact she does have a problem with drinking and has gone to therapy for a long time without the therapist addressing it, then the therapist is just using your wife for a piggy bank.

Zari

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:44 pm

Absaroka wrote:Rony I missed the part where you said sometimes your wife drinks a lot, but picked up on it in Anthony's post. Bottom line is trying to talk with someone who has a drinking problem when they are upset compares unfavorably with argueing with a two year old while they are having a tantrum.

If in fact she does have a problem with drinking and has gone to therapy for a long time without the therapist addressing it, then the therapist is just using your wife for a piggy bank.

Zari

It's actually from 2006, the post:

Thu Sep 14, 2006 7:09 am Post subject: What to do

Girls
I’m faced with a bit of a dilemma, while I agree with most of you honesty is the best policy, I’m reluctant to be up front with my SO. As stated in previous post I’ve been married 38 yrs. My SO has been going thru some kind of depression since her mother/best friend died several years ago with althimizers (it took her over five years to pass) that is why this is called the long good-bye. While there is no one else I want to spend my golden years with (that’s a miss nomer), she started drinking heavily after her mother passed, and can finish off a 5 liter box of wine in a couple of days. She starts each day around 1330 in the afternoon and by the time I get home from work I don’t want to discuss anything as serious as my desire to cross-dress. About a year ago I convinced her that I think Barely there panties are more comfortable she went along with black, but drew the line at white or some other color (i.e. pink or with any lace ) and I sleep ever night in VS PJ’s but she will never ask why. If I try to mention my preference in underwear she says “I don’t want to go there”. Ladies as I get older (approaching 61) the desire seems to be growing to dress. I don’t think I want to be out and about I just want to wear girl’s (skirts and side zip pants) cloths more. I like thigh high hose and Wacoal panties slips and skirts Didn’t the nerve to buy my first Bra until this years. There is so much more to this story but I’m reluctant to take up your time in this post. Should I try too breech this subject in my SO sober periods or just hope for the best.??

The advice was not to broach the subject of CDing while Rony's wife had drinking problems. That's the way it was left until she exploded at the end of 2011 - though Rony says she was getting more "venomous" in August 2011. What concerns me is that (above) Rony says her wife has been seeing someone for panic-related problems for a number of years. But in the post above Rony's wife had, in 2006, being drinking heavily for years.

So Rony's wife has had problems for years and years (with alcohol and panic). I would tend to agree with you, Zari, that the therapist wouldn't appear to have been great.

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:38 am

First thank you all for your responses and suggestions.
I’m sorry I neither have a lot of time on the computer, to come here or put together a reply to each person
But be assured I read each reply, and thank you all very much.
Absaroka to answer your questions.
My wife’s Dr. is a psychiatrist she suggest that my wife see a psychologist.
(I’m the reason that dictionary’s exist )
My son is 42 and scheduled to retire from the Coast Guard in June.
Fetish, No I don’t need panty to be turned on.
Anthony
My wife claims she bought my statement that I found panties more comfortable than the tightly whiteys, which is true I do. I don’t like thong’s.
We are both getting older and loosing people we love, first she lost her mother and best friend to alzheimer’s decease (Sp) then we lost my mother (the evil MIL), father, and step-father, we were close to both of them, then in October 09 her father passed.
She keeps saying I’ve chosen this over her.

My wife is not a bad person, she’ll help almost anyone in trouble. She doesn’t have any problem with Gay’s. She has the most uncanny ability to read body language, If approached by a homeless person really in need asking for money she’s offered to buy a meal at Jack or McDonald’s whichever is close.
More to follow after the week-end.
Thank you all again.
Ronnie
PS My wife uses the therapist as much as the other way around I'll try and explain in more detail later.