One day a blonde was walking along the street with one boob hanging out of her shirt.
A policeman stopped her, pointed to her exposed breast and said, " I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm going to have to arrest you for indecent exposure."
Thre blonde looked down at her boob and thought for a moment, then screamed, " Oh nooooooo, I've left my baby on the bus."
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
Moderator: KimberlyS
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
Re: the bad jokes thread
LOL!!! That is messed up...Sally wrote:One day a blonde was walking along the street with one boob hanging out of her shirt.
A policeman stopped her, pointed to her exposed breast and said, " I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm going to have to arrest you for indecent exposure."
Thre blonde looked down at her boob and thought for a moment, then screamed, " Oh nooooooo, I've left my baby on the bus."
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread
The photographer had just finished taking the school photos for the third grade and the teacher was trying to convince the kids to buy a copy of the photo.
She said, " Just think how nice it'll be when you're all grown up to look back at this photo and say, there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer, there's Tommy, he's a doctor, think of all the nice memories it will bring."
A little voice rang out from up the back of the class room, " Yeah, and there's the teacher, n she's dead."
She said, " Just think how nice it'll be when you're all grown up to look back at this photo and say, there's Jennifer, she's a lawyer, there's Tommy, he's a doctor, think of all the nice memories it will bring."
A little voice rang out from up the back of the class room, " Yeah, and there's the teacher, n she's dead."
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
-
Eloise Goth
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 348
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:06 pm
- Location: Rochdale
2 neutrons were walking along when one fell over.
'you ok?' the first neutron asked his friend
'yeah..yeah..I think so...oh...wait..sh*t...I've lost my negative charge' the second neutron said.
'are you sure?' the first one asked.
'yes' the second one replied 'I'm positive'.
'you ok?' the first neutron asked his friend
'yeah..yeah..I think so...oh...wait..sh*t...I've lost my negative charge' the second neutron said.
'are you sure?' the first one asked.
'yes' the second one replied 'I'm positive'.
And you thought I was dead.
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Ha, Eloise, you charged right in with that one, huh!!! 
Give these a try! 
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Give these a try! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread
Two guys in hospital.
One says, " What are you in for?"
Other one says, " I'm gunna get circumcised."
First guy replies," Damn, well good luck, I had that done when I was born n couldn't walk for a whole year."
One says, " What are you in for?"
Other one says, " I'm gunna get circumcised."
First guy replies," Damn, well good luck, I had that done when I was born n couldn't walk for a whole year."
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
LOL!!! You gals are killing me.
Thanks for the laugh - I really needed to laugh right now. I haven't even cracked a smile in three days. Thanks.
Carolynn - here's one to add:
There was the sexy female news anchor who was making light conversation to the weatherman just before he was about to report on a blizzard that was supposed to hit the Metropolitan area but never did.
She said, "So where's that 12 inches you promised me last night?"
Thanks for the laugh - I really needed to laugh right now. I haven't even cracked a smile in three days. Thanks.
Carolynn - here's one to add:
There was the sexy female news anchor who was making light conversation to the weatherman just before he was about to report on a blizzard that was supposed to hit the Metropolitan area but never did.
She said, "So where's that 12 inches you promised me last night?"
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
-
Eloise Goth
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 348
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:06 pm
- Location: Rochdale
-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread
The teacher was giving the class an exercise of making up sentences with selective words she gave them.
She smiled to herself as the class clown, Tommy put his hand up to participate, so she gave him the words, Defeat, Deduct, Defence, Detail.
He stood there for a while in serious thought then he said, " De feat of de duct went over de fence before de tail."
...............................................
A man pulls into a gas station and as the attendant is filling his car up he notices two penguins sitting on the back seat. he says to the man," Hey where did you get the penguins?"
The guy says," I found them wandering along the road, I don't know what to do with them.
The attendant says, " Why don't you just take them to the zoo?"
The guy says, " Hey, that's a great idea, why didn't I think of that."
So off the guy drives with the two penguins towards the zoo.
The next day the guy pulls into the gas station again and the attendant notices the two penguins still sitting in the back seat, so he says to the guy." Hey, I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo, they're still here"
The guy replies, " I did mate and they enoyed it lots, and today I'm taking them to the beach"
She smiled to herself as the class clown, Tommy put his hand up to participate, so she gave him the words, Defeat, Deduct, Defence, Detail.
He stood there for a while in serious thought then he said, " De feat of de duct went over de fence before de tail."
...............................................
A man pulls into a gas station and as the attendant is filling his car up he notices two penguins sitting on the back seat. he says to the man," Hey where did you get the penguins?"
The guy says," I found them wandering along the road, I don't know what to do with them.
The attendant says, " Why don't you just take them to the zoo?"
The guy says, " Hey, that's a great idea, why didn't I think of that."
So off the guy drives with the two penguins towards the zoo.
The next day the guy pulls into the gas station again and the attendant notices the two penguins still sitting in the back seat, so he says to the guy." Hey, I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo, they're still here"
The guy replies, " I did mate and they enoyed it lots, and today I'm taking them to the beach"
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.