How my life has changed since coming out and dressing 24/7

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Elizabeth wrote:
Hi girls,

I dont' think being "out" is telling the world who or what you are. It is a matter of not hiding it anymore and not being ashamed of it. The rest is just semantics as far as I am concerned.


In that case there are different degrees or stages to being out.

I concur

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Hi all,

Beauty,

Yes, that's exactly how you do it. The waitress example isn't really appropriate because the fact that she's a lesbian shouldn't make a difference to her customers. But the are times (many, many times) when it is appropriate to open up like this.

Let me tell you all an anecdote. Do you remember my gay friend I spoke about last year, here on the forum? The one who had some trouble with crossdressers? Well, on the very first day of class--I met him in a philosophy class at the university--he asked a question about totalitarianism and repression. He prefaced his question with the following words: "As a member of a sexual minority..." I swear, those were the very first words out of his mouth. The first time I ever saw or heard this person, he wanted us to know that he was gay. Why? Because, simply, "that's where he's coming from."

Now, I don't know about anybody else, here, but I'm getting totally exhausted by my interacting with people who think I'm coming from some place whereas I'm really coming from some place else. I think this is the kind of enregy drain Anita was talking about above. If my sanity truly matters to me, it requires of me that I become self-consistent. If my need for self-consistency (congruence, consonance, existential honesty, call it what you will) requires that I not hide from others the fact that I'm a man with a strong feminine component to his personality, then so be it. Indulgence in paranoid fantasies and persecution complexes, although a great security blanket, help no one, least of all ourselves. Not if our goal is to flower and thrive, at any rate.

Now, of course, the question is, "how--and whom--do you tell?" That one, for me, is easy: you tell anyone for whom it might be important or appropriate that they know this... friends, family, colleagues... anyone with whom you have (and, I assume, want) to be in a truthful and honest relationship with. This would even include strangers if the subject came up and if it seemed important to the matter at hand that they know this about you.

Another anecdote: a few years ago, I was working in a little bookstore across from the university library. I was the only "employee" (I was putting in a few hours, one day a week, for a friend, the owner of the shop, who paid me in books). One day, a young woman walked in on an afternoon I happened to be working at the store. We got to talking. It turns out she was working on some kind of "gender multimedia project." Get this: she wanted to highlight the transgender experience. At that point, I said, "well, speaking as a crossdresser..." yada yada yada. We chatted for a few minutes more when she finally interrupted me to ask, "wait a minute; are you telling me that you're really a crossdresser?" "Well, yeah," I answered. This changed the whole tone of the conversation around; I could almost hear that "click" signalling that a true connection with another human being has just been made. We wound up chatting for close to another three hours. When all was said and done, I'd agreed to be interviewed by her later that week so that she could use the sound bites in her project (which I did and which she did). And a cool project it was; music, soundscapes, and fractured voices talking gender. A little bit more of who and what we are went out there for others to hear and know. That's what I mean by being "out, with hardly a scrap of nylon or silk in sight." But, again, that's just me; it doesn't make me better and it doesn't make me worse than anyone else in Transgenderland.

Elizabeth,

The problem with establishing a difference between "telling" and "not hiding" is that there's a very good chance that, if nobody asks, nobody knows. "Don't ask, don't tell." Sound familiar? I just cannot buy into that. I know that your case is different because, well, the way you choose to dress makes you noticeably different. People have no choice, really, but to, at the very least, ask themselves a question when they see you walking across a parking lot. You're already as "out" as you can be, in a way (and kudos to you for that!). But it's not so for many of us. We still have this "front" we show to others. And it's this "front" that kills us more than other people's possible reactions to who we truly are, as human beings. Yes, others can harm or even kill us because of who we are, true (it happens all too often, unfortunately) but, I'll repeat, it's this "front," this sham, this impersonation, this incongruence, inconsistency, dissonance, and dishonesty that kill us more than other people's possible reactions to who we truly are, as human beings. We live in fear (and justify that fear by supposing that "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush") without realizing that the end of that fear--regardless of the bad things that may come from our being open about who we are--can only come by, precisely, being open about who we are (and, here, we realize that, often, two birds in the hand are, indeed, better than none in the bush).

Having said all this, I understand that all of us are different and that all of us have to deal with the particulars of our own circumstances in our own way. Just this, though: fear is a greater enemy than foolhardiness. Fear stops you from discovering what you could become; on the other hand, foolhardiness--though not always recommended--has at least this virtue that it forces you to explore the nature of your own limits. I'll make the assumption that this is a good thing, as far as mental health is concerned.

This is what being "out" has done for me.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Just this, though: fear is a greater enemy than foolhardiness. Fear stops you from discovering what you could become; on the other hand, foolhardiness--though not always recommended--has at least this virtue that it forces you to explore the nature of your own limits. I'll make the assumption that this is a good thing, as far as mental health is concerned.

This is what being "out" has done for me.

That is a very important point CJ. (Thank you) There is no way I can ever tell you how much that statement has helped me understand something about myself. But I suggest that perhaps (being out) is not the only way to achieve being free of fear. I will not elaborate on that. It is just something to think about. In fact I suspect that there is still some degree of fear being as there is always the possibility that one might meat up with the wrong person at some point in there life.

Let me repeat though You make a very good point.

[CJ]

Thanks, Darlene. There's no need to elaborate. I think I know what you may be referring to, and you're right; there's more than one way of ridding ourselves of fear (or of having that fear taken away from us, I guess).

You know, Elizabeth's thread on fear from a while back really opened my eyes to the role fear plays in our lives. I think there'll always be fear, but maybe that fear can be managed.

Now, if I could only learn to manage my foolhardiness.

Love,
CJ

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Elizabeth,

The problem with establishing a difference between "telling" and "not hiding" is that there's a very good chance that, if nobody asks, nobody knows. "Don't ask, don't tell." Sound familiar? I just cannot buy into that. I know that your case is different because, well, the way you choose to dress makes you noticeably different

We still have this "front" we show to others. And it's this "front" that kills us more than other people's possible reactions to who we truly are, as human beings. Yes, others can harm or even kill us because of who we are, true (it happens all too often, unfortunately) but, I'll repeat, it's this "front," this sham, this impersonation, this incongruence, inconsistency, dissonance, and dishonesty that kill us more than other people's possible reactions to who we truly are, as human beings. We live in fear (and justify that fear by supposing that "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush") without realizing that the end of that fear--regardless of the bad things that may come from our being open about who we are--can only come by, precisely, being open about who we are (and, here, we realize that, often, two birds in the hand are, indeed, better than none in the bush).

CJ,

I would like to clarify that I was not trying to establish a difference between "telling" and "not hiding". I should have elaborated, but I was just trying to make the point that one does not have to tell everyone, as your gay friend did, to be out. Indeed I see no way one could "not hide" and still have a front. That is precisely what a front is. So when interpreting what I said, please take it to mean having no front. So it would include telling anyone who would have to know for you not to have a front. For me personally, and I know this does not apply to most here, just the act of wearing men's clothes is a front. Having said all that, what I meant when I said one need not tell everyone, is more directed towards my passable sisters out there, who in their passable mode are not putting up a front. I don't feel they are obligated to tell everyone they are a crossdresser in order to be out. I hope that clarifies what I meant.

CJ wrote:
Just this, though: fear is a greater enemy than foolhardiness. Fear stops you from discovering what you could become; on the other hand, foolhardiness--though not always recommended--has at least this virtue that it forces you to explore the nature of your own limits. I'll make the assumption that this is a good thing, as far as mental health is concerned.

This is what being "out" has done for me.

That is a very important point CJ. (Thank you) There is no way I can ever tell you how much that statement has helped me understand something about myself. But I suggest that perhaps (being out) is not the only way to achieve being free of fear. I will not elaborate on that. It is just something to think about. In fact I suspect that there is still some degree of fear being as there is always the possibility that one might meat up with the wrong person at some point in there life.

Let me repeat though You make a very good point.

Darlene,

I have to say that I am more than pleased to see others such as you and CJ grasp the importance fear plays in all this. Fear is the tool of repression that others play on us in such a way that we use it much more gratutitiously than society ever would, hence we become our own biggest obsticle. Fear is still my biggest enemy and it creeps up on me in ways that are hard to detect. As vigilent as I am about confronting my fears, I still catch myself hiding behind my fears or rationalizing my fears into something more subtle. It is a never ending battle.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Loretta Ann]

Hi all,

Fear (worry) is un-paid interest on issues before interest is due.

[Virginia]

Fear is a greater enemy than foolhardyness!!! That is so true! It is like the old saying" lead! follow! or get the hell out of the way!" Do something, just don't stand there. We learn from our mistakes. I do like the aspect of "need to know" however! My analogy about the guys at the service station, who I know. Why would I want to, Out of the blue" just walk in "en drab" and just blurt out "hey, guys, guess what, I am a crossdresser!" It benefits no one, it does not make their day go any better, so why do it? It is not very likely that Virgnia would run into them in a social situation and even if I did they would probably not recognize me anyway, maybe my car, but what would they then say?
I think, as has been alluded to, that we have to pick and choose who we tell, when and under what circumstances then just deal with the consequences. I am sure that since my wife attends several different churches and has been asked where I am and finding out about the divorce that the old adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" she has "outted" me to several congreations! Like Alfred E. Newman (Mad Magazine) says. "What? Me worry!!!"
Virginia

[Anita]

Virginia--
If the issue weren't so emotionally loaded, I think we'd see it clearer. If you're a parent, or if you're married, there are lots of opportunities to talk about your children or your spouse. I notice this when I'm meeting new people. If the conversation is over a minute long, then there's bound to be a reference to a child or a spouse, because these people are so important to the person talking. I especially notice this with parents. As a contractor, I talk to a lot of people every week.

So it's not unusual that I end up talking about my other self with people that I meet. My promotional material mentions that I play music, and people are always interested in that. I'm proud of my femme self, because she does a job in the world. She makes herself useful, by entertaining people. She also facilitates a support group. I look at her as many people look at a wife or a daughter--she's part of my family.

Since I talk about the subject from that angle, most people respond in the same way. We all know how important family is to each other. So people respect that as part of my life for that reason. I never saw that before, but it seems true for me, anyway.

Darlene, CJ, Elizabeth--
I originally wrote a post about your observations on fear. I really like what you've all said. Unfortunately, I saw that it never posted. What I had to say was an answer to Elizabeth, mainly. I also keep a constant vigilance for fear thoughts, and it's worth the work. Some days it is all I can do.

I'll be talking to people, or directing work, but in my mind I'm challenging fear thoughts. My particular spiritual path has many tools to use for that. It's not important here what they are. I'm glad that I have the "toolkit," and I use it constantly. And as Elizabeth says, I'm surprised at how subtle the fear thoughts can be. They disguise themselves in many ways, and it takes practice to see through the disguise the moment they show up. Seeing them clearly is very important. If they get in, then depression follows. It's easier to meet them at the door, so to speak.