The other night my ex invited me over for dinner. She looked so nice I said something stupid."How about a quicky Hun?" She replied."As opposed to what?" 
Love you ladies!Hugs
Jeannie
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Jeannie
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Love your sheets? ....Well not your actual sheets.
That's one I have to remember Laura. Very funny. The other night my ex invited me over for dinner. She looked so nice I said something stupid."How about a quicky Hun?" She replied."As opposed to what?" Love you ladies!
Hugs
Jeannie
The other night my ex invited me over for dinner. She looked so nice I said something stupid."How about a quicky Hun?" She replied."As opposed to what?" Love you ladies!Hugs
Jeannie
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Virginia
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Virginia
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Carolynn
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Man walks into a dentists office, looks at the dentist, and says,
"Can you help me? I think I am a moth!"
The dentist is dumbfounded for a second, then tells the man "I am a dentist and this is a dentist office. You need a psychiatrist."
"I know," says the man morosly.
"Well then, why are you in my office", asks the dentist.
The man says, "Well, there was a light on you see......."
"Can you help me? I think I am a moth!"
The dentist is dumbfounded for a second, then tells the man "I am a dentist and this is a dentist office. You need a psychiatrist."
"I know," says the man morosly.
"Well then, why are you in my office", asks the dentist.
The man says, "Well, there was a light on you see......."
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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DonnaT
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Carolynn
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That would border on mental abuse, for crying out loud.!! Made me sick to see it. YUK!!!-
Sally
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the bad jokes thread
Now this is a BAD joke.
Three old men are sitting round in the lounge room of the nursing home chatting about their health.
1st OM says,"The best thing which could happen to me would be to be able to have a damn good pee. I stand there for half an hour each morning and all I get is one little dribble, then 10 minutes later I have to go again."
2nd OM says," I know exactly what you mean and another good thing which I'd like to happen to me is to be able to have a good bowel movement in the morning. I sit there and push and strain for ages and usually nothing happens."
The 3rd old boy just shakes his head and says,"Well I don't have either of those problems. Every morning at 6am sharp I have a good long pee followed by a substantial bowel movement at 6.30am sharp, it never fails."
"whats your problem then?" the other two says in chorus.
"Well" says the 3rd OM, " The best thing which could happen to me would be to be able to wake up before 7am."
Three old men are sitting round in the lounge room of the nursing home chatting about their health.
1st OM says,"The best thing which could happen to me would be to be able to have a damn good pee. I stand there for half an hour each morning and all I get is one little dribble, then 10 minutes later I have to go again."
2nd OM says," I know exactly what you mean and another good thing which I'd like to happen to me is to be able to have a good bowel movement in the morning. I sit there and push and strain for ages and usually nothing happens."
The 3rd old boy just shakes his head and says,"Well I don't have either of those problems. Every morning at 6am sharp I have a good long pee followed by a substantial bowel movement at 6.30am sharp, it never fails."
"whats your problem then?" the other two says in chorus.
"Well" says the 3rd OM, " The best thing which could happen to me would be to be able to wake up before 7am."
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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DonnaT
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SilverLady(SO)
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Frog Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.
”Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
v
v
v
(it's a real treat)
v
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(a masterpiece)
v
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(wait for it)
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The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........!)
”Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
v
v
v
(it's a real treat)
v
v
v
(a masterpiece)
v
v
v
(wait for it)
v
v
v
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........!)
SilverLady(SO)
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- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
DonnaT
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Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except
one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except
one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
DonnaT
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DonnaT
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You're impotent" She screamed at him, "how
could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids."
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You're impotent" She screamed at him, "how
could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids."
DonnaT
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DonnaT
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And, No. 3
I wonder, do I look that old?
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
Hmmm ...or could he???
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed!.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "what did you teach?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then??
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
Hmmm ...or could he???
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed!.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "what did you teach?"
DonnaT