THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Carolynn]

King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

[Jeannie]

My sister Christine gave me a Tibetan Yak for a birthday gift. I couldn't keep it in the city so I took it to a friend of mine that owns a horse farm. He always kept the Yak in the barn. One day I went out to visit and when I arrived the barn was engulfed in flames. I exclaimed"OH! My baking Yak!" ...........There! Take that!

Love
Jeannie

[Sally]

WARNING.........



A recent worldwide survey has found that Senior Citizens are the leading carriers of Aids.
















Hearing Aids,

Band Aids,

Rol Aids,

Walking Aids,

Medical Aids,

Governments Aids,

and last but not least ...financial aids to their children.

[Lorna]

A man walks into the woods at night with a young woman. The woman says "I'm scared." The guy says "You're scared?!? I'm the one who's gotta walk outta here alone!"

[Stephanie W]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, a well-know Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, " OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. " Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room. " Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, " OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me". So she did. Dr Chang shook his head slowly and said, " Your problem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. "

Worried the woman asked anxiously, " Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is ED Zachary Disease ? "

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, " Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rake you backside. "

[Jeannie]

The last time I was in bed with my ex I said"Hey honey! Let's fool around." She said" I can't. I'm going to the Gynocologist tommorow and I want to be fresh" I replied."Your not going to the dentist are you?"

Love
Jeannie

[DonnaT]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$75,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[KathyB]

DonnaT: That's an oldie, but it's REALLY a goodie.

[DonnaT]

A kindergarten teacher is telling the children the story of ‘The Three Little Pigs’ and she is adding to it to encourage the children to be courteous and polite.

“The first little pig thought and thought about what to build his house of and then he saw a farmer loading his ute with straw. ‘Why that’s it!’ the first little pig thought. So what do you think the first little pig said to the farmer children?”

The hands shoot up. "Please Miss!"

“Melanie – what do you think the first little pig said”

“I think he said, ‘Excuse me can I have some straw please?' ”

“Yes that’s very nice Melanie. Now what do you think the farmer said to such a polite first little pig?”

The hands shoot up. ‘Please Miss!’

“James – and what do you think the farmer said to the first little pig?”

“Please Miss, I think he said – ‘F**k me! - a talking pig.’ ”

[Jeannie]

A fifth grade teacher is teaching history and says"OK class. I'm going to give you a quote and you have to tell me who said it and what year. If you guess correctly I'll throw you a jellybean"
Who said "There's nothing to fear but fear itself" Little Jimmie Hashimoto raises his hand and says"That was Franklin Roosevelt in 1941"
"Good Jimmie . Here's your jellybean"
Next quote class. Who said"I regret that I have but one life to give for my country" Jimmie raises his hand again and says"That was Nathan Hale 1774"
"Correct again Jimmie, here's your jellybean."
"Ok class, here is the last one. Who said"It's not what your country can do for you,but what you can do for your country" Jimmie raises his hand again and says"That was John F. Kennedy in 1962."
"Fabulous Jimmie. right again!"
"Class. Jimmie came from Japan only a few months ago and knows so much about American history. That's wondeful"
All of a sudden the teacher hears someone yell out from the back of the class "F--- the Japanese!" The teacher replies"Who said that!"
"Douglas McArthur 1945! Throw me a f------ jelly bean!"

[DonnaT]

A blonde cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day she comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains. "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."

[DonnaT]

A farmer got pulled over by a Lansing Police Officer for speeding, and the officer started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are; I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's backside?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's backside."

The officer says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Jeannie]

A man is late for work and is driving over a bridge speeding. There's a state cop at the other end of the bridge and pulls him over. The cop says"What's your hurry Bud?" I'm sorry officer but I'm late for work and I work in a medical office" "What do you do?" the officer replies. I'm a rectum stretcher" What's that ?" says the cop. "Well officer first I put in a finger and stretch,and stretch. Then a 3 figures and stretch and stretch. Then both hand until it's 6 feet across." The officer says"What do you do with a 6 foot as-----?" "You give him a radar gun and put him at the end of a bridge!"

Love
Jeannie

[SilverLady(SO)]

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "manure, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[Stephanie W]

Smart Woman

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his, and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're
really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

P.S: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

(For all the guys who enjoy a good laugh, and all the ladies who have a good sense of humour).