What now? What next?

[Michelle Miller]

I know what the guilt feels like, right before a purge. All you can think about is how much in the wrong you are, and every piece of clothing in your closet is almost calling to you "Why are you doing this? Don't you know this is wrong?"

It doesn't feel like that now. This is different, almost like total indifference, and I don't know how to fix it. The truth is, I haven't been "out" anywhere as Michelle for a long time. Actually, it's coming up on two years, and there's a lot of factors that helped put me into this predicament. I don't want to throw it all out, but at the same time, I just don't feel like wearing any of it.

One of them is my barely controlled epilepsy. I've lived with it since my early teens, they're what's referred to as 'complex partial disorder', and they've caused a few accidents, the last one being almost three years ago, when I wrecked a friend's car while in an episode. Basically, what happens is I lose consciousness, jiggle about with my hands as if I'm washing them, mumble a bit and stagger around like a zombie for a few minutes.

I'd like to say I've learned to live with it, but the truth is, I've settled. I work from home, and really the only contact I have outside of home is a few friends and some local family. I surrendered my drivers' license after the last car accident, and I haven't driven a car in over two years. Over the last 24 or so months, I've been forced back into the closet, so to speak, and here lately, I've had almost no desire whatsoever to express my 'feminine side'...and even when I do, it doesn't give me the same feeling that I'd had before, from being 'out'. It's almost like there's no joy, in any part of my life anymore.

It's turned me into a bitter, spiteful, vindictive & hateful person. I'll catch myself being rude to people, passerby for no reason whatsoever, other than for the sake of being an pot hole. It doesn't make me feel any better to be that way, but it's almost as if I've got to put forth a real effort to be a nice person, and that's becoming harder and harder with each passing day. My wife's commented on it, my mother, friends, they all say the same thing, that I can go from nice to pot hole in two seconds flat, and that I wasn't always like this. I've read about bi-polar disorder, depression, all that, and some of it fits, and some of it doesn't. I just don't know.

I don't even put forth the same effort anymore, even when I get 'dressed to the nines'...I don't even make it that far, I don't bother putting on makeup, jewelery, etc...it's like I've settled into a "why bother" mentality, kind of like when someone feels sorry for themselves, but just can't get it together long enough to fix it. I mean, I'll sometimes go days without shaving, get the 'Don Johnson three day stubble' thing going on, and I just don't care enough anymore to shave it off and get dressed. I've gotta force myself to get back on track, but I don't know how. Maybe I need a swift kick in the backside. Maybe I need therapy. Maybe I need drugs. Who knows?

Sorry about the rant, but I needed to get it out, maybe just for a third person perspective on it.

[DonnaT]

I've read about bi-polar disorder, depression, all that, and some of it fits, and some of it doesn't. I just don't know.

Maybe I need therapy. Maybe I need drugs. Who knows?

Reading up on things won't help. Not one iota.

You need to see a neurologist. You need to be straight and upfront with him/her.

Tell them everything that's been happening, including the lack of desire to cross dress.

Not having a desire to dress enfemme isn't the end of the world. You get your head right, and maybe, just maybe, the desire will return.

[Virginia]

Hi Michelle,

If "a rant" makes you feel better than we have helped. That is what a lot of this forum is about, sometimes, just listening.

I do not intend to blow too much sunshine up your skirt, but there is an old adage about, if you think you have it tough, just look around there are those who are in worse of a struggle than you." There are some of your sisters here who are struggling with situations a lot worse than yours. I know, I know that does not help you to know that there are worse situations than what you are going though.

On the bright side, you have your wife and your mother as you mentioned and they support you, evidently and you mentioned that you have friends. Well you did not mention the friends you have here but we are here for you as well.

We can not psycho-analyze your out look on life nor your physical attributes that could have lead to your current interpretations, but we can support the aspect of your life that has brought you here.

In reading your posts you appear to be a very well read, educated and intelligent person. Those facets serve you well.

As for dressing and going out, I would have to think (being formerly from Bristol - the good side ) That town does not lend itself to having much in the way of Cosmopolitan support for those of us who may reside on the "outskirts of society." That to include our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, but I could be wrong. What with Virginia Intermont and Sullians College and King College you would think that not all those kids are straight-up heterosexuals and would need some kind of social outlet. A club like here in Roanoke we have "The Park" and it is crammed every week-end. If there is such a place in Bristol, have you been there? Or are you aware of any support groups for "us" in the immediate area?

Don't get down on yourself, you do have alternatives. I look at it like a chess game, and as long as you are not in checkmate - you have moves.

Keep posting with us and sharing and well, I mentioned that their are those who have extenuating problems and I would have to place me in that situation right now as I have a "brain damaged" ex who is dragging me back into court this week over something so trivial that it defies description, but it just disrupts my life to have to deal with it with other things that I have going on. I guess SL and I will have to drive to Bristol and drag you out to somewhere and just have a good time!

Love you, dear and we really do plan to see you hopefully in the near future.

Love,

Virginia

[Absaroka]

It sounds like the lack of desire to dress is really part of a much larger issue.

Ask yourself how long it's lasted, how bad it really is, and what direction it's going. If the answers are disturbing and you can't figure out what might help get some professional help.

There's no shame in asking for help from a proffesional. In fact my former profession was in mental health so I have had to accept that if I think what I did was worth doing then I need to trust myself to it as well.

I would think that the isolation and fear of your epilepsy could make most people somewhat depressed for a time.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Absaroka wrote:

I would think that the isolation and fear of your epilepsy could make most people somewhat depressed for a time.

I would think that, too. Working out of home is tough when you've got problems of any type going on, because there's no incentive to keep up appearances when it's just you there. Being self-employed, I run into this often.

It takes a certain amount of self-esteem for me to feel like going out enfemme, and it's not surprising that your self-esteem took a hit when you had to stop driving two years ago. I also know that it takes energy for me to step into my woman identity, if I'm going to go out.
There is always a chance that I'm going to get more attention, so I need to be "up" for dealing with people. If I feel like not being noticed and not talking to anyone, I don't go anywhere female.

We're in your corner, as much as we can be. I hope that you can seek out professionals, too.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Michelle,

I think I understand what's going on. I really get the "why bother?" thing. That really let me know where you are. I have an illness called fibromyalgia. It's a pain and fatigue auto-immune disorder. It is so debilitating I was forced to quit working 6 years ago and have had to withdraw from school several times.

If you can imagine the worst flu you ever had? Remember how your whole body ached and you didn't have any energy? That is fibromyalgia on a good day. Throughout my life, ever since I was a kid, I always feared "chronic pain". The idea of always being in pain seemed to me like it would rob any possible pleasure out of life.

I had a difficult time accepting this illness and was in denial for a long time, telling myself I just needed a little time to recover and I would be fine. That if I just tried harder, I could overcome it. But that is not what happened. Instead I got worse and more disabled. I could not get my mind used to the idea of always being in pain. That I was never going to "get better".

Did I mention the other side effects of fibromyalgia? Asthma, Irritable bowel syndrome, insomnia or other sleep disturbances including inability to reach "REM" sleep, depression, swelling of the hands and feet, heat flashes, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to noise, heightened startle response, restless leg syndrome and over 100 other symptoms. I averaged about 3-4 hours sleep a night, for over 10 years and suffered from depression.

But I finally stopped lying to myself and accepted my illness. I stopped doing things that made me hurt, basically anything physical. It was hard to do. I had always been a proud person. It was hard to ask my kids to carry my laundry or carry the groceries. To move the furniture or anything. I learned to use my awake hours to entertain myself and try to rest.

Eventually, little by little I gained my strength back. There were a few setbacks as I would try to do things and be punished for it with pain, but I eventually learned to manage my pain and fatigue. I used pain meds and anti-depressants. Muscle relaxers and some walking all helped me get to a more normal life.

I still have flairups and I have to just get through them, but I had to come to terms with my illness. And part of coming to terms was letting Elizabeth out of her closet. Getting the stress of that secret off of me was critical in managing my illness.

Sure, it's easy to stay in bed and not shave. Hang around in my nightgown all day. Not even brush my hair, much less put my makeup on. Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. But still, I get up. I shower and shave my body, then some baby powder and lotion in selected areas. Then a pretty dress or skirt and my makeup. Make my bed, clean my bedroom.

Because it always makes me feel good when I am done. I never think "hey, I just wasted my time". I am always glad I took time for me. That way on days when I really do not have the energy to get out of bed, I can let myself off the hook.

So if you are just not feeling it anymore, put your things away for a while. But I would suggest that the next time you feel like dressing? Go all the way. Do your makeup, treat yourself. If you don't feel it, you just don't. But it could also be that your illness is what is bringing you down. You would like to go out, or perhaps you even fantasize about it, and now that is ruined because the fear of an episode make it impossible to risk going out.

It that is the case, perhaps you could do like me and think of it as one of the things you still do, instead of thinking about the negative aspect of it. That is how I look at it. Yeah, I can't work and it's tough on a fixed income, but the upside is, I don't have to worry about losing my job for crossdressing. It's finding a way to make something positive out of something negative.

Perhaps a good therapist could help you sort this all out?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

Hi again, Michelle--
Your original post describes an extreme condition in some ways, so it stands to reason that the best answers can come from someone else with extreme difficulties, too. Elizabeth qualifies for this role, I can see.

Sure, it's easy to stay in bed and not shave. Hang around in my nightgown all day. Not even brush my hair, much less put my makeup on. Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. But still, I get up. I shower and shave my body, then some baby powder and lotion in selected areas. Then a pretty dress or skirt and my makeup. Make my bed, clean my bedroom.

I fight a version of this battle all the time, and it's hard to live with. It can be a constant struggle for those who work out of their home, or for those who are disabled. The less my girlfriend is able to do because of her disablility, the less motivation she has to keep from getting even further in the hole with it.

I'd like to add that professional therapists are good to have, but so are alternative healers, like acupuncturists, chiropractors, and osteopaths. Don't abandon traditional medicine, but explore alternatives. Psychological distress can be caused by physical aliments that are not recognized by mainstream medicine. There is some controversy over fibromyalgia, for instance, and if Elizabeth waited until the AMA fully recognized it, she might be in pain for a long time.

[EmilyN]

This is different, almost like total indifference, and I don't know how to fix it. ..... I don't want to throw it all out, but at the same time, I just don't feel like wearing any of it.

i'm confused. i don't understand how to be as unsettled as your post reads and yet indifferent at the same time. and i don't understand what you mean by "fix it". does that mean you want to be engaged in your femm persona or be done with it entirely? is it the not caring anymore that concerns you?

i've had a lot of experience with depression and it's very, very serious and requires medical attention. i know that it is very common in people who suffer from other debilitating medical issues. maybe root causes need to be addressed prior to visiting crossdressing unless of course the root cause IS crossdressing, but that doesn't appear to be the case, does it? forgive me for offering so little but i am concerned about your state of mind and well-being, as i've seen too much tragedy to not offer some advice to seek medical attention.

[Michelle Miller]

This is different, almost like total indifference, and I don't know how to fix it. ..... I don't want to throw it all out, but at the same time, I just don't feel like wearing any of it.

i'm confused. i don't understand how to be as unsettled as your post reads and yet indifferent at the same time. and i don't understand what you mean by "fix it". does that mean you want to be engaged in your femm persona or be done with it entirely? is it the not caring anymore that concerns you?

It's like, I can't even get motivated enough to get dressed, even just to hang around the house like some kind of a 'stuck in the closet' girl anymore, and when I do, I half-backside it, not bother wearing makeup, jewelery, etc. It's not that I want to quit dressing altogether, I just need to get off my lazy backside, call in some favors from a few friends and get the tranny taxi up and rolling out to somewhere, anywhere.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Michelle,

You're depressed. That much seems obvious. I don't think anyone here is a professional therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist (myself included) but your short description of your emotional state of late strongly suggests that you exhibit many of the classic symptoms of depression, first and foremost your loss of enjoyment of life.

Get help. Please.

It's unnecessary for you to suffer this way; there are many ways you can help yourself "get back on track." From adjunct pharmacotherapy to professional counselling, there's a whole gamut of possible options to increase your zest for this precious thing we call "life." Moreover, resorting to any of these options is not only no cause for shame but is the absolutely right thing to do.

The fact that you suffer from epilepsy coupled to the fact that you may be experiencing some form of post-traumatic stress disorder (common after events such as automobile accidents) can, respectively, reduce your autonomy and sap your emotional strength. Both of these states put you at higher risk of becoming depressed. Depression is not a permanent thing... it's a temporary one. The sooner you tend to yourself--however difficult this may appear to be for you right now--the sooner you'll regain your usual, brighter, self.

Please, seek out medical help... for your sake and for the sake of those that love you--including us relative strangers, here on this board. Nobody wants to see another lamp extinguished when the oil is so close at hand.

Love,
CJ

[Katyana]

Reading your topic, I can't help but relate to it in many ways. I couldn't really get a feel for how much you have in your life, but as for myself, I honestly believe that a lot of my "behaviors", are stress related. I do realize that we all have our unique set of circumstances, and that I am of course no shrink. I feel that stress is a very commonly overlooked cause of many behavioral, and emotional issues these days.
I in no way mean to imply that your issues are stress related, I just wanted to put it out there, as we all sometimes overlook even the simplest things, and do not consider them until we are reminded of it
Whoever it comes from, I do hope you find a solution