(The real Story)
December 14
December 15Dearest Don,
The postman just delivered, a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
My deepest love,
Mindy
December 16Dearest Don,
Today the postman brought another sweet gift from you .the two turtle doves are just adorable.
All My Love,
Mindy
December 17Dear Don,
Aren’t you the extravagant one? But I really must protest.. Three French Hens. They are darling, but you’re being too kind.
Love,
Mindy
December 18Dear Don,
Well the postman delivered four calling birds today. They are beautiful, but really, don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Mindy
December 19Dear Don,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for each finger. You’re impossible, but I do love them.
All My Love,
Mindy
December 20Dear Donald
When I opened my front door this morning, there were actually six geese laying on my porch. Back to the birds again, huh? They’re huge. Where am I supposed to keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket..Please stop.
Cordially,
Mindy
December 21Hey,
What’s with you, and these friggin birds? Seven swans a-swimming. There’s bird droppings all over the house, and the racket is maddening. I’m becoming a nervous wreck. It’s not funny any more.
STOP.
Dec 22Okay Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking, and as if that wasn’t enough, they brought their damn cows. There's cow flop all over the yard, and the smell is awful! Just lay off.
Mindy.
Dec 23You big Jerk:
What are you, some kind of sadist? There’s nine pipers playing. Playing?? They haven’t stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The cows are all upset and stomping all over the damn screeching birds. The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. I hope you get yours.
Mindy
Dec 24You Son of a B****:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing . The sluts have been balling the pipers, all night long, and now the cows haven’t slept and have got the diarrhea. The Health Department has cited me to show cause why my house should not be condemned. If you don’t stop, I am going to get a contract out on you. Trust me.
December 25Listen ****head:
Now you’ve done it. Eleven Lords a leaping. On the milking maids, and the dancing ladies. Some of those broads may never walk again. The pipers ran out of maids, and now have been humping the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. Some were trampled in the orgy, others were just frightened to death. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Mindy McHolstein
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling you have seen fit to inflict on our client Miss Mindy McHolstein. The destruction was total, of course. All future correspondence should be to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitorium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. Attached to this letter, you will find a copy of a warrant for your arrest.
Yours Truly
BADGER, BANDER, AND CAJOLES
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard 
