To SO's - a Subject of Trust

[Josey]

Hi to all the SO's on the forum,

I have spent many hours reading your posts and I see one thing repeated often. Many of you feel a lack of trust for their mates because the fact of CD'ing was kept from them for much of their marriage. I have a couple of comments which I hope will help calm some fears.

As I said several times in other posts. I have been a CD for many, many years. When I met my wife about 20 years ago, two things happened. First was the fear factor. If she knew, I would lose her. Second, and probably stronger even than fear, I was so much in love with this lady, there was no way my CD'ing was going to continue. I really believed that. Of course, I purged everything because I wouldn't need them again.

Within two months, I knew I was totally wrong. Even the love I felt for this woman couldn't overcome that ever present urge. I didn't have the advantage at that point of the internet and the stories of others. I was still alone in the world. No one else felt like I did! I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and told her. This was after less than three months of marriage. It ripped me to pieces to tell her and, as I was afraid, her first inclination was to end the marriage. After a few days of nerve splitting silence, she came to me, told me that this had been a part of me all along, and she had falllen in love with me as I was including these feelings. She said we work it out and we did for many, many years. Her only complaint was that I hadn't trusted her with the fact in the beginning. Sound familiar?

Telling her after just three months was near impossible. I can't imagine trying to tell her after 10 years or more. How would I ever explain it? The more time that passes, the harder it is for your spouse to tell you, just as it is harder for you to hear. As most of you are aware, the male is not nearly as macho as he might want you to believe. Most shake in terror at the idea of losing the one they love. Every CD knows their activities are not the norm and accepted social patterns. Most have gone for many years hiding what they do because they are concerned about the reaction of society in general. How do you think they feel about the reaction of the most important person in their life? Consider that there is a very good reason why many CD'ers don't always tell the truth about what they do. They feel that telling will alienate this most important person and that is just what they are trying to keep from doing. Unfortunately, as in the case of most good intentions, they backfire leaving you feeling a lack of trust.

Don't we live in a confusing world???

[Amber(SO)]

Josey,
I really enjoyed your post. It was like talking to Kyra all over again. What you said is all true for us. She was afraid of telling me and losing me. The only thing is, I may have gotten mad or acted like a butt for a while, but at the same time, honesty is always the best policy. Like Sharon said, starting a marraige off on a lie is not a good way to start. Kyra did tell me, even before we were engaged, but she also said she didn't do it anymore. I tried to be accepting at the time, so I didn't understand why she felt such fear in being honest and telling me she couldn't stop.

I am so sorry to hear that your dear wife is no longer with us. It sounds like you two had a once in a lifetime type of love. That is something I know you will treasure forever. Thank you for trying to help us (SOs) try to understand why our husbands were not forthcoming.

XOXO, Amber

[Josey]

Hi Sharon,

You bring up some very good points. No, it is not fair to not tell you up front and trust you. Sure, you are alienating your partner by not telling. Perhaps the alienation is greater by not telling than by telling. From my own point of view, I was chicken. Boy, does that feel like I am cutting myself down!! I had found the love of my life and to tell was to lose her, or at least that was what I thought. Besides, it wasn't going to happen any more!! Right!!

I appreciate your asking the questions you did. After being alone for three years, I have strongly debated whether, at 62, I should just remain alone for the balance of what time I have left or look for someone else to share that time. One of the major determining points is whether I could possible find another person who would live with my dressing. The thought of letting someone else into my world is just as scary now as it was 20 years ago. Your questions help me make a decision by presenting me with some GG points of view. I thank you very much and welcome your input.
By the way, I guess the fair question to ask in return is what you would have done if he told you before you ever got married. Would you have still married him? If your answer is no, then consider all the things you love about him that you would have missed. I know, that may be a male point of view!!

Amber,

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. I am so glad you and Kyra are talking. She really sounds quite worth while hanging on to. It sounds to me like she was being more honest with you than I was with my wife. At least she told you up front and, perhaps, her feelings about it stopping were the same as mine. You wonderful GG's have a way of affecting us that way.

[Curly(SO)]

I kind of understand why my husband waited till we'd been married for over two years before telling me. It's a trust issue on both sides, he had to trust that my love for him was strong enough to not leave him after being told, and trust me to keep his secret. That trust doesn't come overnight.
I often wonder what it would have been like if I had known from day one. I think maybe it would have been easy to blame the CDing for any little problems we had in the early days. Now, we never argue, but we did for the first year, as we were getting to know each other, and had many other stresses, the CDing could have been one complication too many, who knows?!
For us, the timing of me being told has worked out, and I don't really have issues about being kept in the dark earlier on. I was a little hurt that my DH hadn't trusted me enough to tell me sooner, but looking back, I think we needed to build up the solid relationship we have now, before that was possible.
I believe that everyone's situation is unique, so there is no right or wrong time to tell, we just have to deal with it as best we can, when we do find out.
One major problem I had, when I didn't know, was of course, the odd discovery of womens lingerie or clothes, now THAT did cause some huge mistrust, and a whole lot of confusion. When I'd eventually accepted that there wasn't another woman, I did ask Ed outright whether he was a crossdresser. (and that I wouldn't have a problem with it...well not much, anyway!) Maybe that would have been a good time to tell me, it would have saved a lot of worry on my part.

Curly(SO)

[Josey]

Hi Curly,
I think you may be absolutely correct. The timing of your discovery of the dressing was very good. Of course, if you gave him an opening like asking him point blank, I do think I might have told you right then and there. Then again, I wasn't there at that moment so maybe I wouldn't have!
Thanks so much for your comments.

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Josey,

First of all I think it's terrific that you started this thread..thank you for coming forward on a very difficult subject for both CD's and SO's.

Personally I think that trust is earned in relationships over a period of time.
If (for whatever reason) the trust is broken ,it will take MORE time than it did initially to build up that trust again. The later on in the relationship that one party tells the other that they have been untrusting (or in the case of CDing sometimes purposefully withholding information because of fear of possible rejection from someone close), the greater the chance that the trust may not be able to be rebuilt again.

I hope that if the single CD's in this forum feel that if they are close enough to disclose this side of themselves to someone they consider special and that person is not O.K. with it..that they do not give up and keep looking for their special someone who will love and accept them for who they are.

Josey, I think we are going into very different times now and alot of the people on this forum expressed alot of "fears" that were really concerns over what others would think during various time periods in their life.
Hopefully this will change and we will see alot less of these fears in future TG people .

Thank you again for starting this thread and if you do decide to look for a companion for yourself, she will indeed be a lucky one as you are a girl whose done alot of self reflection and self acceptance

Lefty

[Josey]

Hi Lefty,

Thank you for the kind words. I have done a lot of reflection, particularly while I was trying to make sure my wife could live with my desires. I will admit that I have learned a lot more since I started reading the posts on this forum. I have found it very interesting.

As an example, I could certainly understand finding out your husband did something as anti social as dressing in clothes of the opposite sex would be a shock. This doesn't take a lot of sensitivity. I can also understand the SO's feelings that this person has lost some of the manliness that they knew and loved in them. What I never looked at was the loss of trust issue. My mind often works in black and white. If I have hidden my CD'ing from you but now I have told you, then I am obviously being trustworthy with you and that shouldn't create mistrust. The fact that I have gone thru several years of marriage without telling you shouldn't matter. WRONG!!! I have learned.

Another thing that I have learned in the last couple of weeks is the fear that can be created in the mind of the SO caused by the unknown. How far will he go? Does he like men? Have I failed? Does he want to be a woman? I always thought I was fairly sensitive but I honestly never looked at these things going through my wifes mind. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to change what could have been bothering her. It is not too late for others to alleviate these doubts by addressing them up front and clearing the air. Most certainly, I feel that many others should share in this forum and learn what might be going through their SO's mind.

Thank you, Lefty, Sharon, Amber, and all the other SO's who are willing to share these deep feelings with others. Your feelings and worries are not going un-noticed. They are helping and we love you for what you are doing.