A girl in a boy's body!

[Roberta-Llyan]

Kathryn, in her post about herself on this thread, stated: "I'm not pretending I was a girl trapped in a boy's body. That's a serious issue that needs to be addressed with care and compassion."

I would like to ask all of us to do this. Address this issue with care and compassion.

For I have believed this to be true about me for many, many years--ever since I was a child and that is a long time ago. Yesterday, when getting my permanent eyeliner done, Rachel and Christy both complimented me on my LONG eye-lashes. For years, since my childhood, people have constantly said to me: "You have such long eyelashes just like a girl." Well, duh!

This is just one area where I've been constantly compared to being a woman in life instead of the male sex to which I am presently stuck.

Others include: "Someday he's going to make some man a good wife." Why? Because of my feminine ways and actions while growing up. Because of the games I played as a child even though I also liked baseball and other so-called "boy games."

The worst and most damaging to my inner self was "you sissy!" Or, in the Marine Corps bootcamp, which is where I was severally beaten and raped by 2 drill instructors, "What else do you do with a Puss- but F--- it! Puss--- are made for fuc---!" "Where's my Puss- at? Here puss-!" These kind of obnoxious slanderous thick brained comments. This episode has caused me several emotional trauma over the years and now I am 100% disabled Vet because of this happening. (That's WHY you will never get any gung-ho manure from me about the Corps! I DAMN them!) But I stray.

On and on I could go in dealing with the issue of a "girl trapped in a boy's body" for that is what I AM and have been all my life since birth. And I've KNOWN it to be true of me.

In my life, I pursued girls because it was the "manly thing" to do. But when I caught them, and we were involved, I was thinking and wishing and imagining I was the female role. Yes, in having sex with GG's, I was more often thinking about "I wish I was on the bottom and a man was on the top. I'm female why can't it be this way." I believe this is why I refuse to claim I am gay. I'm not a man liking men. I am a woman in a man's body wanting a man to love her. (And, if the only way I can have that wish come true is to associate myself with gays in sex, then so be it. I will if given the chance!) But not because I am gay. Rather because I am a woman who wants a man to love her, pay attention to her, care for her, indulge her, etc.

Further still, along this same lines, it was the cause of my several divorces. I simply could not live the role of "the man of the house." I wanted to be at home and do the womanly things because it was/is ME. I didn't want to go out and bring home the bacon. (I don't even like bacon.) I wanted to have the kids and care for them. I wanted to do the housework and the other things about the home. (Later, I did. For being single you simply have to do it or it won't get done. So I got my wish only without the man to love me. For I've been single more years in my life than I was married.)

I have never liked myself as a man. As time progressed, I more and more loathed myself as a man and found my "man-ness" to be disgusting. But as my female, I love my Roberta's Self. I take pride in my female looks. I do all I can to appear attractive and behave as a "Lady"--which is more than a woman, in my opinion. I live 24/7 in female now and find it distasteful when I have to revert back for legal reasons.

Also, by being in a boy's body I have been denied all that goes with being the female I AM. Granted, it may be painful and sometimes I would, like other females, wish I didn't have to go through it, but I am not happy that I have missed out on it--including the monthly periods. I wish I could have lived it all as the woman I AM--only in a girl's body. Were it not for the massive amount of money it cost in America to have the surgery, I would do it without blinking my eyes. I simply do not have the money.

Yet, now that I have come out and living 24/7 female, I AM happier than I've ever been in my 59 years and 10 months and 15 days of life.

So with care and compassion, I beg of you to discuss this issue with me and everyone else on the forum. And how it affects you in your life presently. Let us talk about it and express how we feel. Let us share the nitty-gritty of it all and bring it out in the open. And GG's, help us to better understand your position being in a "girl's body." So we can more clearly encompass the wholeness of being the female we are in a boy's body. For you are our ONLY role models now in life. We count on you to teach us that which we do not know because of our being denied that wonderful and beautiful opportunity to be the female we are.

[Virginia]

Roberta,

This is a topic that I guess each of us could write volumes on and each of us would have somewhat the same beginnings but would diverge into many paths after, thus what we call the "Cross dresser's Continuum."

How we got to where we are and (God only knows the why?!) has been easy for some and difficult for others.

My sisters here made me stop and think because not wanting to bore you or others with a repeat of my story, but Virginia has been me forever, but only in a recent family crisis did she finally say, "You need me and here I am!" and I did and she knew it and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was always there, as my sisters here made me find out, but I had ignored, repressed, suppressed whatever her existence and I guess she knew she was there, but not really needed up until "the situation" and she made herself known in no uncertain terms. She knew she had the answers and had the strength and the "wherewith all" to save my backside and she did!!!!

Beyond that, there are girls in this sorority that will tell you that they are crossdressers - period! They simply enjoy dressing and that is the end of it. Others, such as yourself are 24/7 and would love to have the surgery while yet others are 24/7 and do not want the surgery! Thus the "continuum" = a place for all of us. Some of us are in virtually a constant state of transition on the continuum while others have "found their place" and are static! It is a beautiful thing to witness, someone accepting who they are and loving it!

I don't know how many responses you will garner as for most of us "it" can not be explained briefly!

Virginia

[Roberta-Llyan]

Roberta,
I don't know how many responses you will garner as for most of us "it" can not be explained briefly!
Virginia

First, THANK YOU Virginia. I appreciate you commenting and talking with me about it from your view. I hope others will do likewise and not just stalk the thread and say nothing.

Like you, and I am sure others, I supressed it for years or hid it for years. I was afraid and somewhat even ashamed as I had been taught it was "SINFUL" to be this way. Well, piss on their religion that calls being true to yourself sinful. One of my books was a 200+ page purge of that religion to get it out of my system.

Likewise, I supressed that Marine experience too for many, many years until it finally got the best of me and I EXPLODED. And people in medicine, unless they work for the VA, know how stress and such from such as that causes other dis-eases. But they continue to DENY it with me and I've fought them for 15 years in legal battle to get them to apologize to me for what they did. But that is another story also even though it has a TREMENDOUS AMOUNT TO DO WITH ME NOW as a CDer.

But I've always been Roberta--I just didn't want to admit it until more recently. Now I am telling everyone--nearly. Jim, at the Unity where I go to church, asked me one day if I dress this way even at home. I had to laugh. I told him: "YES, I dress this way ALL THE TIME for I am a WOMAN!"
(Jim, by the way, is a nice man with his own emotional troubles but he is kind.)

I pray others will respond. If for no other reason, just because it will help me and I think that is part of what I am seeking here. To have some help for I do not know all the answers. Nor do I know all to do or how to do it sometimes. And if the others on this forum do not respond, then they cheat me and those like me who are wanting answers but maybe are afraid to ask. Who knows, there may be others here who want answers but they are even afraid to speak out on this forum. So why deny us by your silence. Each person owes it to the others on this forum to TALK about these things--whether it be a small amount or an entire chapter about their life in full detail. For you truly never know who you may be helping. And is that not the purpose of this forum? To help others?

I barely touched on the things about me that are feminine and that I've had all my life. I failed to mention things like how I preferred to sit with the women in the kitchen and gossip rather than sit on the front porch with the men and spit tobacco and tell lies about all the whores they had screwed. And other such BS things that men do to be "manly." (What a crazy thing to do to be manly!) And all these things, when I add them up and meditate upon them, I find I AM and have been a woman all my natural born life. And now that woman is standing up and talking about it all and telling the world to watch out: I AM WOMAN---HEAR ME ROAR!

Again, I THANK YOU for talking with me. I appreciate YOU!

[DonnaT]

I've never had the feeling that I was a girl.

I've wished it, at times, but that was because of the clothes they got to wear.

My neighbor was a majorette in Jr. High. Loved that uniform. Her name was Donna.

I would do things to try and get caught dressing by my mom in hopes that she would borrow dresses from Donna and make me wear them for punishment.

Was it all about the clothes? Not really. The clothes were the medicine for easing what ailed me. That need we've come to understand to mean being transgendered.

For some of us the clothes satisfy that need, for others they don't.

[Roberta-Llyan]

Was it all about the clothes? Not really. The clothes were the medicine for easing what ailed me. That need we've come to understand to mean being transgendered.
For some of us the clothes satisfy that need, for others they don't.

THank you Donna for replying. I appreciate it. Some questions please.

So for you it is merely the clothes and being able to wear them. Nothing more. Is this correct?

How does that align with being male for you? Do you wear them out in public? What inner feelings do you have and what are they like when dressed in femme? Do you see yourself as a man in a dress only? Do you never feel like you may be female?

I have defined "transgender" in my vocabulary as being a person who is of the OTHER gender rather than just one gender who wears opposite clothing. Am I mistaken in my definition according to your interpretation? Is there more to the definition that I have not seen? Or am I correct in your view?

I am just curious.

[Kandis]

While I have wished or dreamt about it, I have never believed I am a girl/woman trapped in a boy/mans body. For me, it is the clothing, the material, the ability to express myself as a beautiful female. I am male, and will stay that way.

Yes, I go out in public dressed, why? because it is boring to me to stay at home when I go through all the work to make myself look so beautiful We all have our own reasons for doing what we do, and the only person those reasons matter to is each of us individually, while i may not personally agree with a fetishist who does it for shock value, or someone that does it for sexual kicks, we are all dressers and that's what matters and what keeps us "bonded" together in the fabric of life.

[Roberta-Llyan]

Thank you Kandis for your sharing also. I appreciate it as well. So I understand you just enjoy the clothing and the sensation it offers when dressed. That is good. I'm happy to read that you go out also. And don't stay home to enjoy your lifestyle in private.

You are correct too about we all have our own reasons. I think that is a portion of what I am wanting to explore here with everyone. To learn the "reasons" WHY? And what motivates you in the first place? To learn if I have anything in common with the others?

I hope no one thinks I am presenting myself as "better" or some other thing by this thread. Rather the contrary. I do see all of us as bonded in that we all pursue our own lives and we have this much in common--we all like to wear female clothing for whatever reason.

Obviously, what I am seeking is to find WHO (like me) believes themselves to be a woman in a boy's body. And thus that is our motivation/reason for why we dress--especially doing so 24/7. For I hate it when I have to put on my "boy mode" clothing and I refuse to do it unless forced by circumstances such as having to go to the VA clinic to see the doctor. And yet, the past two times I've gone I've been wearing some female clothing. And I do believe I am going to advance more and more in my femme dressing as I continue. I know I have continued to see the VA counselor in full dress femme. She accepts me and we are okay with it.

And while SO MANY women are wearing men's jeans and shirts and even shoes, I do not think myself doing so is femme. For it brings me back to where I was forced for so many years to be--trying to "be a man." And I do believe, though many may disagree with me, these women doing it are trying to be a man. But I've never been a man--except in penis. So why dress like one?

I certainly don't get erotic stimulation from dressing like a man. Nor do I from dressing like a woman as some do or claim. Which brings up another point--is it all because of the stimulation a person gets? Not me.

I LOVE being a woman--I hate being a man. So go figure?

Again, thank you and I hope more will respond also. And share.

[DonnaT]

So for you it is merely the clothes and being able to wear them. Nothing more. Is this correct?

How does that align with being male for you? Do you wear them out in public? What inner feelings do you have and what are they like when dressed in femme? Do you see yourself as a man in a dress only? Do you never feel like you may be female?

I have defined "transgender" in my vocabulary as being a person who is of the OTHER gender rather than just one gender who wears opposite clothing. Am I mistaken in my definition according to your interpretation? Is there more to the definition that I have not seen? Or am I correct in your view?

I am just curious.

Transgender means to cross gender boundaries, the boundaries set up by society to suggest we live in a bi-gendered world. It is an umbrella term covering CD's and TS's.

For me, the crossing is expressed by how I dress.

Some CDs/TVs are trans, and some, apparently, are not.

To me, what it means for me to consider myself as trans is having this unexplainable urge to CD, where the urge comes from somewhere deep inside.

Many young boys explore the world of girls attire, but it is the ones who are trans that can't stop. For a few, it only takes one instance to activate some trigger which causes that unexplainable urge to keep calling.

I was 6 or 7 when I first had the urge, but didn't have any means to satisfy it. It was forgotten until I was around 10, and I came across some things of my mothers boxed up in the basement and long forgotten. The urge called out again, and I responded. It only took the one time, and I've been CDing ever since. Tried to stop for my wife's sake, but have been unsuccessful in the attempts.

So, it's the unexplainable urge, not the clothes. The clothes are a salve to satisfy the itch. That itch isn't satisfied by the wig and/or makeup if I am in male attire.

I've been out in full fem mode, and I've been out sans wig and makeup. I do act slightly different depending on how I look, but it's more of an act to fit the image. I see myself more as a man in a dress than I do a female.

IMO, those who see themselves as female are closer to the TS side of the continuum.

[Lori A]

When I was about 5 we moved to a new neighborhood where some of the boys started teaching my brothers and I about oral and anal sex. It was just new games to us, but when our dad found out, he hit us more than he did the roof. Calling us everything associated with being what we now call gay. It still happened, though after that it was forced. I was skinny and puny, so fighting only made matters worse, being forced to preform black, blue, and bloody.
Later after he and my mother got divorced and she left to find some happiness, he re-married.
My step-monster, having learned that mom had started teaching me to cook and clean because I was and still am ate up with ADD/ADHD and wanted to put all my extra energy to good use and help herself out instead of letting me get into mischief, felt that if it worked for my mom that it would work for her, so she vastly expanded my talents in those areas.
One year I had played little league base ball, and they had spelled my first name with a "ph" instead of a "v", so Dee, started calling me "Stephanie, her little maid." Often when her sisters or nieces were visiting with their daughters, much to my embarrassment. (I didn't use that moniker here because my second wife named my youngest daughter that while I was in Desert Shield).
At school, most of the girls made jokes about how ugly I was, easy for them to say, they got to wear prettier clothes, and have their hair curled and wear ear rings and blush. I would have been less ugly had I had the same opportunities.
I am often nagged at about my attitude by my wife who insist that it is still the Army in me though I have been out for more years than I was in.
I don't mean to order people around, I just want to get things done.
I would much rather be a submissive, but only to females. I got beat up by too many boys and all too often by my father when I was young to beat me into submission to what ever they wanted me to do. My step monster beat me too, but she also had her softer side even it was embarrassing, especially
when I did things that pleased her.
So all that to say this. I love to cross dress, or as I told my current wife I am a lesbian trapped in a mans body in that I'll do ANYTHING with a woman except a man and I'll even dress the part and like it.
Make up help my looks as it would a lot of men.

[Roberta-Llyan]

Transgender means to cross gender boundaries, the boundaries set up by society to suggest we live in a bi-gendered world. It is an umbrella term covering CD's and TS's.

IMO, those who see themselves as female are closer to the TS side of the continuum.

Once more I do appreciate your reply and feedback. Perhaps I have had a slight misunderstanding of the terminology. And it is not a shame to say so for I am new at the terminology. As I defined it is how I've seen it. And the term "trans-sexual" I've had a bit different definition also. But these are my own from my own limited understanding. I've seen "trans-sexual" as one who followed through with the surgery and went all the way--as I would truly do if I had the funds. Perhaps, if I have misunderstood the definition, then I have limited mySelf too on that point. But if your definition is accurate, and it may very well be (and I will not tell you it is not), then I am a trans-sexual as well as a transgender.

I am most happy you have brought out these definitions because, as I said, I am new to the definition part of it all. I know what I have been doing over the years but, because I was in hiding, I was not doing anything to educate myself as to what it was labeled. The ONLY label I had was negative as I said in an earlier post on this thread. So I am appreciative of you helping me to better understand myself and the "labels" that I fall under according to proper society. (Such is this forum--proper society.)

Have a beautiful weekend.

Hugs

[Roberta-Llyan]

So all that to say this. I love to cross dress, or as I told my current wife I am a lesbian trapped in a mans body in that I'll do ANYTHING with a woman except a man and I'll even dress the part and like it.
Make up help my looks as it would a lot of men.

Thank you Lori for sharing this. I find we have some similiarities in that I also suffered from what you have described as child abuse....being beaten my a "dad" who thought me a sissy all my childhood. Being the oldest child by 6 years, it was often up to me to wash the dishes, take out the trash, ironing, do the laundry and even to cook as my mom was often, or claimed to be, ill and could not get out of bed. So I learned all those skills in my childhood. (Later they paid off when I got custody of my youngest son and raised him from the time he was 2 years old.)

I remember my dad also called me names like "faggot" and "queer." Which, at the time in my early years, I had no idea what those meant. But by the tone of his voice I could tell they must be something really terrible. Now these terms do not bother me at all and I just laugh at those who use them. Because, in my view, it shows their ignorance and not mine.

These "female" skills brought remarks from my dad's step-father too who was a homophobia in every way. I don't know why he was so worried, I don't think any gay person would have made a pass at him--he was such a horse's backside. But he was definitely in that group of people whose neck is so red they would stand out in a puddle of blood.

I didn't date in school. Matter of fact, I never went out with a girl or even kissed one until I was 18 and out of the Marines. But I hung around with them and wanted to do all things they did. I even remember playing with paper dolls in my early teen years--mostly because my sister was 6 years behind me and when she got old enough to play, I was often "forced" to play with her and she wanted to play with dolls. Not that I minded but my dad thought me a sissy for so doing--even though he was the one who often INSISTED I play with her.

So by your closing statement about being "a lesbian trapped in a man's body" I take it that you feel as I do--a woman in a man's body. With our difference being I would like to have a man for an intimate partner and you prefer to have a woman. Which is wonderful too. As long as the woman knew I am a woman also and didn't mind making love to a lesbian. I could appreciate that factor and would definitely encourage her to strap on the toys and have her way with me.

Again, allow me to THANK YOU for sharing your life with me and the others. I appreciate and respect you for so doing. You have added greatly to the forum by your action.

Hugs and have a beautiful weekend.

[DonnaT]

The broadest, and most encompassing definintion: A transsexual is a person who believes that his or her body does not reflect his or her true 'inner' identification of physical sex or gender.

There are elitists who do not want to include those who have not had surgery in the definition.

There are others who prefer to use the term transgender instead of transsexual because of the wordpart 'sex'.

There are others that do not like either term, and prefer Harry Benjamin Syndrome (HBS) and deem it to be one of various intersex conditions.

There have been a few transsexuals interviewed in the papers and on television that always use the term transgender. So that has led to confusion by many to the point that some think transgender and transsexual mean the same thing, leaving out those who consider themselves to be transgender, but not transsexual.

So it's easy to see why you would be confused, Roberta.

Transitioning:

A person who believes that his or her body does not reflect his or her true 'inner' identification of physical sex or gender goes through a period of deciding whether to transition.

This could simply mean living the life, for M2F, of a woman 24/7.

Some choose not to, or can not, undergo any hormonal or physical changes. Some reasons are, health, family, finances, etc.

Just because they do not to take hormones or have surgery does not make them any less of a transsexual than those who do take hormones and have surgery.

Heck, some ID as TS and don't even transition. Usually for family or work reasons. This does not make them any less of a transsexual than those who do transition in some manner.

[Lori A]

yes Roberta, while I have no desire to be with a man I have in the past allowed girl friends an wives to use toys on me and enjoyed it, and my wife and I have even talked about a strap on. And to be dressed in femme while having a toy used on me, as I was wearing a teddie the first time I let a GG do that to me really gets my motor running

[Roberta-Llyan]

Again, I thank you Donna and Lori for your replies. The definition of labels are so confusing no wonder some people, like myself, are not sure what "catagory" we fall into.

A little bit of knowledge can make for a whole lot of confusion. *winks*

So I will just go back to saying: I'm a woman in a man's body! 24/7 I dress femme.

To paraphrase John Wayne in his movie BIG JAKE: "Thus, call me a CDer, call me a transgender, call me a trans-sexual but just don't call me late for chow time!"

Have a beautiful weekend all of you who have responded to this thread of mine so far. I look forward to hearing from more of you and hope you will not be shy or silent.

[Gaven McLaren]

Roberta,
For me it is more then just wearing the clothes. However I am quite happy being male. There is just something about womans clothes that make me feel whole.