A girl in a boy's body!

[Roberta-Llyan]

I THANK YOU also Gaven McLaren for your feedback and expressing your views. It is always good when the outer can give to the inner that which the whole seeks in life. By your words, you appear to have found your inner wholeness by the outer garments.

Have a beautiful weekend.

[Roberta-Llyan]

I just spent 39 minutes talking to my only sister...the one I mentioned above who is 6 years younger than me and a "funnie-mentalist."

It was our first peaceable communication in nearly 3-4 years. And our first communication since last December. As I said, it went peaceful.

I'm making reference to this because a portion of the conversation, of course, dealt with me as Roberta and my 24/7 CDing.

She wanted to know all she could learn. So I answered her questions and added, before I began, "kindness goes a long way. Be kind and I will answer anything you would like to know about me NOW!"

So she was "kind." And we talked. Although she said she'd heard the terms TG/TS before it was obvious she did not completely understand their meaning. So THANK YOU Donna for helping me to better understand the meaning as I explained the things to her. She was most curious "Why did you become a woman?" That was the hardest to get her to understand. "I did not become a woman I have always been a woman." She told me she did not believe it. After a while, she accepted my answer but admitted she "Did not agree with me." Which, I told her, was "fine. We do not have to agree. Let us just be kind to one another and stop fighting," I concluded.

I'm not certain if it all had to do with the reason she contacted me, because my mom is dying she said, or what but she accepted it and seemed to handle it okay. The other portion of the conversation had to do with dealing with all the materialistic things when mom dies. She said she did not want me to come up there unless I would dress in drab. I told her I would not dress that way. So she said: "Don't come then because I can't deal with it." I said: "Fine with me. I wasn't thinking about coming anyway. For I don't do funerals in life anymore." (I didn't go to my dad's either but that is another story entirely.)

She told me she was "shocked" when I sent her that photo of me in complete femme back in Feb. of this year. And had she have known some of what all had occured in my early life she may have understood better. Which, if I consider it, she may be correct there and have a solid point. But she was younger and therefore, I did not share much with her about it all. We discussed some other private things about my lifestyle which mom knew but would not talk about. Such as my gay experiences.

Anyway, I think what I am getting at here is that it is the FIRST time she and I have spoken since I sent her that photo. And, I must say, it went smoothly. So now she knows the "whole" story or at least as much as I told her just now. But she is certainly more informed about my being trans-sexual/transgender.

It is interesting to me at this stage how suddenly this conversation came about especially after my recent posting of this particular thread. I am undergoing some very mixed emotions right now. I'm not certain if I am happy or sad or what I am feeling but just know I am feeling some inner emotions that are MIXED.

I asked Deb if she wanted me to send her some pictures of my new home because she had not seen it due to mom not showing her. She said YES. So most of those I sent her show me in CD.

And also, according to what Deb said, Mom has totally "freaked out about me" and thus is the reason she has refused to call me or answer when I call her. She is even refusing to even talk about me to anyone. Complete DENIAL.

I told Deb she knew about my gay experiences and had torn the pages out of my poetry/short story book and trashed them because she was in so much denial about me. And Deb said: "Yeah, I knew she tore them out but didn't know what they were about."

I am certainly undergoing a different afternoon right now than the normal/usual. Please, if you read this, keep me in your thoughts as I analyze all of this in my life today.

Thank you. Have a beautiful weekend.

[Roberta-Llyan]

Major questions: Did I learn anything from yesterday's experience? If so, what? How will it affect me in the future?

While I admit to crying myself to sleep last night, I am an emotional person, I do believe it helped me. One of the things I believe I am able to learn from yesterday's events and how they stem from my beginning was that I have choices.

I can choose to do like I did when a child and get my feelings hurt and feel sorry for myself and go back into hiding like I did all those years ago. Or I can choose to walk through that experience and allow it to free me even greater.

Yes, it can hurt to know your own mother denies you and does not want you to come around even while she may be dying. That she has so much hate in her that she cannot free herself so you can come and be with her for those last days or minutes. But who is really the loser?

Is it me? No! For it is not my hate. It is her hate. She carries it with her into death and not I. She prefers to carry her anger and bitterness and hate and prejudice and bigotry into the next incarnation. Not me. She chooses to carry the bodily poisons that are released into our system when we have thoughts of hatred and express them with such verbal harrange. Not me.

I choose to see it as another tunnel in life where I must walk through to come out the other side a better person than I am now. I am stronger in my forgiveness of her than I would be if I chose to get angry or be bitter in return. I master my own soul by releasing the negative feelings and thinking the positive thoughts and sending her my love--even from 900 miles away.

When I was a child, and I would CD or something else and get caught, I would then run and hide myself. I would play the "victim" and go about with my head hanging down and feel "guilty" for what I had done. I would then pout for days on end and play the martyr because I had learned how to play it successfully. Such as when I was called a "sissy" I would then blubber and hide myself. I need not do that now though. For it is not my karma to take on.

Just because someone throws me the ball does not mean I have to catch it. I can choose to let it drop. I do not have to catch what she throws me now in life and feel guilty the rest of my days. I have choices and I have the free will to exercise those choices as I see fit in my life.

I have chosen to live 24/7 in femme. I have chosen to live where I do so I am surrounded by acceptance and I find it daily in my life. Especially, as one person said to me today, because I have accepted myself and therefore I radiate that acceptance to others who in turn then accept me also. I choose to be happy with my self as I go about my life in femme. I choose to let go of my anger, bitterness and hatred because it is heavy and I no longer desire to carry it upon my shoulders as I did when a child and was CDing. I choose to be, as Shakespeare said, "true to my SELF." For I have learned in my recent experiences that it gives me inner satisfaction, peace and strength.

How will this affect me in the future? Whatsoever a person thinks in their heart, it has been written, so to are they. I choose to think positive about mySelf and so I am positive about mySelf. I choose to rise above the bigotry, hatred, bitterness and prejudice and be accepting, loving, happy and tolerant of those around me as I go forward in my life.

Did I learn anything? Yes, I learned I can choose to be true to ME and whatever choice I make will affect my tomorrow and all my tomorrows. I AM WOMAN. I AM FREE. I AM! The only validation I need is MY OWN!

Thus contines to be my progress from my very young beginnings when I first started CDing.

[Absaroka]

Roberta Lynn

Thanks for starting this thread. It is a wonderful thread and I think will be very helpful to folks here thinking they are the only one, what ever it is that they are.

I fully agree with your opening idea that it is important to treat this subject with kindness and compassion. Which is what I think does happen here most of the time. I'd add that since we are such a broad continuum it is important for us not to attempt to define others here.

I wish I had more to add but I've said enough about myself in other places in this forum. Thanks again.

Absaroka

[Roberta-Llyan]

Thank you Absaroka. That is most kind of you to say that to me. And I appreciate you for it.

Since so few people have joined in then I am wondering about whether it is a good thread or not. Seems I'm the only one doing any posting--except for 5 of you. Seems no one else wants to talk about the subject. Maybe everyone is thinking this has become my blog on the forum. And, while it may appear so, it is far from my blog.

I honestly do not know another way to handle the subject other than write about my own personal experiences as I go along. Especially when I am a woman in a man's body. But I wish others felt the same way so they too could add to it. Unlike my thread about the "thought for the day" where I am writing an inspirational each day, hoping it may benefit someone out there as it is for me too, this one was to be for everyone to contribute. Guess it calls for too much thinking...hehehe

The thing I noticed most so far today about the subject is that everywhere I went, I went with the projection that a woman is shopping and she will pay for the items after she tries them on. I went into the ladies fitting rooms to see if they fit me, I went to the ladies restrooms today when I needed to go pee, I was dressed in my femme clothes and smiled at the men (winking also) and talked woman's talk with the women I met today. And, I admit, I was given the treatment of a woman by all who I came in contact.

How does this apply to my "beginnings?" Simple: Our beginnings are what have brought us to where we are today. Thus, each and every action, thought, word and deed I've performed today has been a result of my beginnings back there as a child. As a child, I wanted to express my feminity from the beginning of understanding. As an adult, I am now doing it each and every day. A journal friend of mine, who lives in Europe, commented yesterday on my journal at LiveJournal. She said: "you know, looking back this last year since we got to know each other, i can say that i liked bob. but (oh yes, there is always a but, isn't it? ;-) )... but i love roberta." {Mummo}

Talk about a boost to my feminine ego!!! WoW! Mummo is a married woman with 2 children and loving husband. She is the typical married woman with children--almost to the point of stero-typed. So it was a boost to my morale for me when she said that yesterday. And it is due to my beginnings back as a child when I first got dressed in femme clothing and KNEW I AM WOMAN! A WOMAN in a man's body! Thus, from my beginnings, I have risen from those ashes and now, like the Phoenix bird, am flying toward the sun's light as a transgender/trans-sexual CDer. And I support all of you who do likewise.

[Absaroka]

I've noticed a number of times that when a really deep thread gets posted there are often not that many replies. I think this has to do with the fact that a thread of this import deserves serious thoughtful replies and that as a result many may feel uncomfortable replying to it. Not that they are not serious or thoughtful but that they may not know what to say, much less how to epress it properly in an email. Because when we are talking about life and death issues (and that is what this is, at least in terms of quality of life) you want to say the right thing. There is a great deal of what you have written that I just plain would have trouble responding to in an electronic format. It's the sort of thing we should be discussing with those closest to us who know us the best, but very unfortunately because of the nature of the subject this is sometimes not possible.

But anyway I am sure that many who read this will benefit even if they don't reply. And I sometimes (and this is one of them) like the whole journal approach that some of these thread lend themselves to.

Absaroka

[Roberta-Llyan]

Thank you again Absaroka. I appreciate your feedback again.

The other ladies and I got into my beginnings today at the Unity book study. It was interesting as I explained where I am coming from and they added their feelings and experiences to what I offered. One definite thing I realized is how all of us, whether we be transgender or otherwise, have difficulty going through some of our trials and tribulations in our daily lives.

Each of us, also, have to make choices as we journey along our path in the movie called LIFE2008. And each of us has a role we are playing out in that movie. Karen plays the role of the pastor at the Unity. Sally plays the role of the woman who gets things done and makes sure the church functions. Tinnie is the happy-go-lucky lady who is prone to laugh and share her joyful laughter with us. Myself--I am the one whose life has changed dramatically and, as Karen told me when I first joined them, the one who will serve to check their tolerance level.

For my beginnings are most different than theirs. Traveling my path along the way I was a fundamental baptist preacher at one time, I have been a hippie (which Sally was also), I have been an abused child (which none of them have), I have been in the Marine Corps, etc. All these things are from my beginning to my NOW.

Pyxylover, on the LJ I have, made this comment to me recently about the things concerning my family situation of lately. She (a cross dresser also) said:

"I am so impressed and inspired by by your strong will to stay true to yourself and your intelligence to handle this as you have. You have not let them bring you down with them and have therefore handled yourself very well. Our families can be the hardest to stand up to sometimes. I think they are only worried about their own happiness and not yours. I shall continue to watch and learn from you so that one day I too may follow. Take care Roberta and keep your chin up as we are all behind you here :-) You are one strong woman and let no one tell you any different *hugs*"

So it seems to me, as I progess through my days lately, that I am learning how to better represent myself and the lifestyle I have chosen for me--a woman in a man's body. It amazes me that people are watching me and looking to me to see where I go and what I do and how I do it. They are looking to me to find out if it is safe to come out of the water and onto the land of CDing in public.

This gives me joy to know from where I have come in the beginning of me to where I AM now. Today, Sally in the book study made reference to not keeping a journal anymore because she felt she didn't need a mile marker. And that "she was not the same person she was 20 years ago." I spoke up and replied: "Neither am I the same person I was 20 years ago."

This brought a lot of laughter from the other ladies as they realized the humor in it with me sitting there in total femme. And yet, it is true. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago nor 10 years ago nor 5 years ago nor last year. I have progressed on my journey through my movie to where I AM now--I AM WOMAN. And, it is all from my beginnings as a boy who found it more appropriate to dress in girl's clothes. And as he grew, he realized more and more every time he is not a HE but a SHE in a boy's body. Daily I AM coming to realize this TRUTH about me more and more as I go about this city in mid-western Texas. I AM WOMAN in a male body.

But let me learn to "bless my beginnings" for they are what has brought me to my PRESENT! And I believe we all need to learn that and elucidate upon it daily as we contemplate ourSelves and where we are going in LIFE2008. For the next step you and I take will determine where we will be tomorrow!

[Roberta-Llyan]

I wrote my sister a letter last night and sent it to her. (Posted on DO YOU UNDERSTAND thread) Since she has been wanting to "understand" why, where and etc about my transgender, I tried to answer her questions and speak to her about what has happened these past 12 months in my life. How I have FINALLY accepted my SELF and allowed the real ME to come forward. To no longer supress who I AM and what I AM but to accept me-Self with love and appreciation.

She is a fundamental Baptist as many of you know and so for her it is hard to both understand and accept. But on the surface, she appears to be wanting to understand. And, since our conversations since Sat. have been peaceable, I figure she deserves the chance to be treated kind and have her questions answered.

I was 6 years old and 12 days when she was born. So this only sister goes way back to my beginnings. By the time she was born, I had already found the feel of nylons and silk panties and even bras--though I don't remember trying all of them on at the time. But I know I had touched them and loved the sensation of that touch. I loved how they felt so "familiar" to me even then and my soul resonated with them. This too was a part of my beginnings. And she was born at this time.

Later, as I said earlier, I found myself often playing games with her and that always included dolls and other "girl" games. I never felt odd or out of place playing those things. Rather, they felt comfortable to me also. Just as comfortable as playing my favorite "boy games" such as baseball and cowboys/Indians. I even remember a few times when I wanted to be a girl when playing with the other girls. I didn't always want to play the "daddy" but wanted to play other roles as well when playing with the girls.

Did I know I was a woman in a male body then? No, I don't think I did. But I do remember how confused I was even then in "trying to be a man." For I never fit into anything others said was the mold. I was like a circle trying to slide into a square hole. So another portion of my beginnings.

[Roberta-Llyan]

I just had some wonderful comments from my sister. I posted them on the DO YOU UNDERSTAND thread about the letter I sent to her. I hope you will read it and rejoice at my good news.

Thank you all for your support during these past few days. They have certainly not been my normal daily routine. But I see them as a blessing coming into my life right now. A blessing greater than I could have hoped.

Have a beautiful day.

Hugs my sisters. Thank you for being my friends.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Roberta,

I have to admit that I missed this thread because of it's location. It's not that I'm a snob, it's just that I don't have time to read all the threads. It's not that these one's aren't important, but after several years I have found that most of our stories are so similar. I prefer to spend my time on the support, acceptance and coping threads. Anyways, I found it now, and I am glad to participate in this thread with you.

As you know, I am fulltime also and have been for 4 years now. Much of my feelings are similar to yours, except that I feel that the core feelings we have are the same regardless of whether or not one is a crossdresser, transgenderist, or transsexual. While the crossdresser does not feel the need to be a woman, that does not mean that what he is feeling when he does feel like dressing is not the same thing. I believe it is. Me and you feel the need to feel that way all of the time, but the crossdresser only feels that need some of the time.

There is no doubt in my mind that Virginia is every bit as much woman as I am. But she does not need to be Virginia all the time. That is my view. I could be entirely wrong about this, but from what I have seen here over the years, the feelings these girls have, girls that I know to only be crossdressers, is just not any different than how I feel. Yet, they don't have the same needs as me, or even among themselves.

I believe it to be a spectrum. I am very "Jungian" that way. On one end female on the other end male. Everyone fits somewhere, regardless of what sex their body happens to be. Some with a female body are very female. Others more masculine, with some inbetween. The same goes for male bodied people. Some are very masculine, some like myself, very feminine and others are inbetween with a need to express both parts of themselves.

I know there are elites within the transsexual community that believe they are somehow above crossdressers, but I hold no such beliefs. I know that many transsexuals are quick to point out that crossdressers are sexually motivated, but this also is not true. There is a good percentage of transsexuals that started off crossdressing and masturbating.

It has more to do with age, than any secret manifestation of crossdressing behavior. In other words, any one at age 13 is going to be masturbating whether they have a desire to wear girls lingerie or not. Boys of this age also build models, but we don't associate model building and sexuality. I mean, I know they are not the same thing, but in a way they are.

They are both things boys do during puberty, besides masturbate. In any event, it's more about wanting to feel like a girl. Wanting to be a girl, if even for just a while. Letting down the pretenses of being a male in our society. For some, it's once in a while, for me it's all the time.

You seem to have a handle on who you are, and where you are going. I look forward to your future posts.

Love Aways,
Elizabeth

[Lydia]

Hi Elizabeth,

Just a quick note here to say that I agree with you entiurely about the notion of a spectrum or comtinuum. It ranges all the way from guys who occasionally wear panties to full-time transsexuals who may be going for SRS. Personally, I think the frequency approaches the standard bell-curve with the majority being part-time crossdressers. But I am unhampered by any data.

Always glad to see your input on this forum - a wise and experienced voice.

Hugs,

Lydia

[Roberta-Llyan]

Hi Elizabeth

Sweetie, I have never thought of you as a snob. I have enjoyed reading the things you comment and post and regard you as one whose example is above reproach. Your longevity of doing what I am presently doing is inspiring to me and I seek to emulate you so I may also be a wonderful example of a woman in a male body.

I offered to SL that this thread could be moved to some other location and it would be fine with me. So if you want to move it to another section, please feel free. I would be pleased if you were my moderator on this thread. It never seems to dawn on me that moderators do not read all the posts. For I try to keep up with everyone of them that I am open to view. But I spend a lot of time since I'm a disabled vet on the internet if I am home. Yes, I am happy to have you participate on this one too. I look forward to hearing from you as often as you are able to stop by and chat with me. For I know I can truly learn from your experiences.

Your remark about those "core feelings" is worthy and the more I consider it the more I believe you are correct. For we all have them. Each inside of us as we go forward--no matter what position on the rainbow or spectrum of life. And I certainly do not want to be classified as an "elitist" for I do not approve of such snobbery. Each of us are on our own path and at our certain position along that path of Life. None are better or worse for it. All are trying to make it to the end and hope they can survive.

I've considered it like a Yin/Yang for some years now. Each of us have those two qualities in us due to our parentage being both male and female. Some of us reflect more to one side than another. Thus we are what we are. But it does not make us wrong or right to be who we are. We just ARE!

As for cross-dressing and masturbating, well, I guess you will find me in there somewhere when I was younger. I still dress but am unable to perform the other due to illness and medication. Sugar diabetis impotency is not fun.

Thank you for your kind compliments. I appreciate them. And as the Baptist say: "All donations appreciated." (I use to be one so I can say that...hehehe)

I share Lydia's remarks also when she said: "Always glad to see your input on this forum - a wise and experienced voice."

So have a beautiful weekend and stay safe.

Hugs....

[Veronica B]

To Roberta, Since you have gone thru this trauma most of your life and you knew early in your life of being a girl in a boy's body why didn't have a sex change and be the happy woman you've wanted to be. I realize its expensive and it takes a few years of prep, but since these feelings have been so strong for so long I would think it would be worth it. And you could have been loved like the woman you want to be. It might not be too late yet. Veronica B

[Roberta-Llyan]

Hi Veronica

There are a lot of factors involved. The major one was I never had the money and for several years, I was raising my youngest son from the time he was 2 years old until he was an adult. So it wasn't feasible at the time.

I wish I had now. But it is too late to change what course my life path went. I can only do what I can do now and change my future. I'm sure you can understand that point.

Also, there was the suppression of it for many years. I concealed it greatly for all that time. Hiding in the closet like many of you. Only my hiding was behind various other masks I wore....trying and trying to "be a man." Trying to please others instead of myself. Many times, we can get caught in that trap and not know how to get out. And, for most of my adult life, that's what I did.

What you say sounds easy but doing it is not always easy.

[Stephanie W]

Roberta

We all do miss the occasional thread once in a while, but having a busy life away from the forum is not necessarily a bad thing either. While it does make keeping up with interesting threads such as this one more challenging, it is no less rewarding when we do get to read them in their entirety as we play catch up. So thank you for enlightening us with your eloquent posts. Given your experiences, I'm glad you have found fulfillment in your life and wish you continued happiness in all that you do. Try not to take people's lack of response here as them not wanting to participate. As Absaroka said, many folks are not comfortable in writing or simply feel their response would never do this thread justice. What I do feel though is that people do take to heart a lot of what is said here and if it can help them in their own lives, then it's worth it, even though they may not respond. Anyway, I'm glad we have folks like you who do want to speak out and I think we can all learn from each other.

As for where I am in this great TG world of ours, well, I consider myself transgendered. While I do feel a very strong female aspect to my being, I don't identify as a transsexual, nor do I see myself as just a crossdresser. I'm happy with both the male and female components, although I do confess to wanting to spend more time as a female, mainly because of my busy life precluding my opportunities to dress. Ideally, between male and female, the opportunity to live just right of centre would provide the best balance in my life as I see it right now.

When I'm dressed, I enjoy going out day or night, just doing the kinds of things any woman would do. I've certainly never had feelings of being a guy in a dress. On the contrary, I feel every bit as female as the next gal and enjoy what feels such a natural part of who I am. Hope that makes sense.

Lastly, thanks for your unique brand of humour,

...I don't think any gay person would have made a pass at him--he was such a horse's backside. But he was definitely in that group of people whose neck is so red they would stand out in a puddle of blood.

That was too funny!

Keep up the commentary.

Stephanie