Being a Trans Parent

[Penni SO]

Hi ya all,

How many of you have told your children about your Gender Dysphoria,how many of had to tell them out of a life and death situation.Given that your population is higher than us in OZ,I imagine that many OF you have been in this position.
Bond between parent and child is one of the most special bonds you will make with anyone here on earth.That bond however can be fractured when you do come out...it can be affected by a spouse who becomes extremely vindictive.Do your laws prOtect you???

One issue that Marie and I face is that before transiton we were very much out in public,holding hands,kiss on the cheek etc,a hug at the beach while the kids play...now we are left to keep that behind close doors...we are to afraid to subject the children to any ridicule..even they pick up the difference....I even had one of my sons ask if I still loved Maddy anymore(they call her that M for Marie and addy from Daddy) when I said of course I do he said'you don't hold hands anymore when we are out etc....along came the reasons why..and I could see his saddness in his eye's.
They say in some writings I have read that a childs own sexuality can be distorted by same sex parents...you and I know different,however are we causing them any damage or stress by not showing our love for each other in public..it really is a catch 22.Here in OZ an dI am sure those from Oz will back me up...that we have'nt come as nearly as close as you guys in being out there about ourselves.In Perth it really is red neck city...and that is what concerns me for our children...

Anyway back on track...Trans parents are as good if not better than any other parent.Try to keep those bonds between you and your child,you know your a good person,they need you in their life.

Hugs pENNY

[Virginia]

There comes a point where you as any kind of parent are "out of the picture." I have tried to teach my children what our society defines as "right and wrong!" The little things, like The Golden Rule!; say please and thank you; look both ways before you cross the street; don't lie, cheat, steal. When they asked how do they know or want to be grown-ups I simply told them they will be adults when they are willing to take responsibility for their actions!

Now I can smile when I think of two great kids, and when I think of what they must think of me, I just laugh -------- cause there ain't a damn thing they can do about it!

I never did find the instruction manual that supposedly came with each of them!!!

Love,

Virginia

[Arianne]

Between me and my wife we have seven or eight children, one is still up for debate.

One thing we have in common is our parenting style, my kids and her kids had the same principals instilled in them. The main thing we tried to teach was respect and try not to judge.

None of them know that I am CD, if they ask, sure, I will discuss it with them, but as yet, there has been no reason to.

Right now, I just consider myself to be very lucky to have a partner that accepts me for me, and not what I should be. My kids can form their opinions of me once the last one has left the nest, that is when I can be who I am, and that is when I find out how good my wisdom has been.

[Kimberly Kael]

We have no children so I can't claim to have a very informed perspective on the subject.

I do think there's a fine line between being open and honest with your children and using them to promote a personal agenda. I am proud of you for putting your children's needs first and trying to ensure that they're not exposed to public ridicule. However, I do think you need a strategy for letting them know what choices you're making and why.

I can definitely understand your concerns about societal protection for your lifestyle choices. Based on my limited visits to Australia I'd be concerned about being identifiably transgendered in many situations where I'd feel very comfortable here in the Seattle area. I'd rate it somewhere around Texas - some bright spots but altogether too much outright hostility toward alternative lifestyles.

Legal protections in the US vary a lot from state to state, but as always it's more the behavior of the individuals that matter than the letter of the law. It's illegal to assault anybody in most societies, but it still happens and you don't want to be a target. Similarly, even in states where employers cannot legally discriminate it just means they need to trump up some other excuse. We're not a visible enough segment of society to prove any kind of systematic discrimination by an employer.

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Kimberly Kael,

As parents we told them what was happening to dad almost within months
of Marie coming out to me.Over the past 1 and half years we have spoken to them at great lengths about being a person with Gender Dysphoria,we have also spoken to them that they may be faced with people not being able to accpet their dads decision as well as the dynamics of our familiy.

We have made sure that they have met on a regular basis with other TS individuals and consequently our children have made them part of our family.
All children were placed into counselling under a group called Rainbows which was actually started in America...they completely understand that Maddy has certain things to attend to whilst transitoining ,for example Trachi shave,orchidectomy,removal of Tattoo's right down to all the hormones she is taking,specialists visits and then her Gender re-assignment this year.

Where we live in Wanneroo,we have yet to come across or be exposed to any discrimination...however Marie has no worries at all as she is totally a woman physically.The only problem we tend to be guarded on is showing to much affection for each other,outside of the home....

Employment wise Marie has gone from being a carpet layer for 29 years,to being a flooring sales rep...her employer was quite happy to give her the chance.Prior to starting we both attended a meeting with all staff involved to explain what was happening,why and what resources were available to Marie to help with her Transition...which sadly I say here in Perth there is next to no services at all.All staff asked how our children were copeing...

Now we have just been faced with 2 family members from my side about Maries transition,lets say they are not supportive at all and are totally against my decision to remain with the person I love,had children by etc....this discussion became an attack on me and 3 of my boys aged 7,10 and 12 stood up to their Uncles and said my dad is not a freak,anyone having a sex change is not a freak,they breath just like you,they have jobs and are part of society...we love our Maddy and thats all that counts.(Maddy/Marie was not home at the time she wa at work)
Now both Marie and i were extremely proud,but most of all they mean't what they said..sure I have told them this over and over,but they have been exposed to many of the T-community and theyhave been allowed to voice their concerns etc..the fact is they know that we are all humans and deserve equal rights no matter how you look,what colour,gender etc.

But saying all that ,being a Trans family means watching out with an extra eye,any problems our children may face from outside sources.

Hugs Penny

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

As most of you know, I told my children about me and I live in the open. I do not agree with several of the premises that have been stated. One that children are harmed by same sex relationships and two that being transgendered brings shame and ridicule on them. There is no evidence to support either of these positions, yet they are used to discriminate against transgendered and gay people.

My children have not experienced this prejudice and shame that was predicted. If anything, people have respect for my kids for being loving and supportive under difficult circumstances. Many times my son who works part time in a grocery store, is admired for not being afraid to be seen with me.

Because we go to the same college, we know many of the same people. He has told me that people have done nothing but speak highly of me and say I was a good person. He tells me all the time he is proud to be my son.

In the end, for me it was more important to be my authentic self with my children. I hated that I had to hide who I was for so long. I feel I owe it to them and myself to let them get to know me as I really am. And that means as a woman.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Penny - Your post almost made me cry....

I can't relate exactly, because as it stands right now, my husband still presents publicly as a man, but I can certainly relate to being affectionate in a lesbian relationship in public. I am bisexual, and in truth I have had far more relationships with women than I have with men. I have never been shy about expressing my affection for anyone, including the woman I dated who had a son (age 4 at the time). I think it's more important for the family unit to be intact than for the "outside world" to understand.... Kids get ridiculed for any number of things.... There's no avoiding that. That's why they desperately need a strong foundation of love and affection at home. If they see affectionate, loving parents, it doesn't matter if they're heterosexual, transgendered, or whatever.... They just know that their parents love and support one another, and they grow up knowing that healthy, loving relationships can come in many different packages. Also, continuing to be affectionate in public can teach a valuable lesson about not being afraid to be yourself, and about accepting and loving their father no matter how he is dressed or if he wants to become a woman (or even if he already has). How can they be expected to show affection publicly for "Maddy" (which I think is a FANTASTIC nickname, BTW) and not be ashamed of their family if your actions demonstrate otherwise?

My husband wants to go out presenting enfemme. We have discussed that when we go out with him dressed, we are ONLY going out together, as a couple. We will present as lesbians, and we with stick with each other. When our girls are old enough, we plan to explain their father's crossdressing to them and we plan to behave in a way that teaches them that there is nothing wrong, strange, or scary about it.... It's just another aspect of Daddy's personality, and it's something that I love just as much as any other aspect of his personality. We also plan to teach them that there are lots of people who are homosexual or live alternative lifestyles, and that while other kids might be cruel and act as though there is something wrong with those families, we know that those kids are wrong, and that they are only acting out of fear. We plan to approach sexual or gender based bigotry just the way we approach racism and any other type of discrimination.... As something that exisits, but it's wrong.... As something that should be fought.... As something we do not accept or condone in our home.

If I ever found myself in a situation where I felt uncomfortable kissing my husband or holding his hand, no matter where we were, or if my children ever questioned my love for him, I'd be devestated. My parents have been married for 35 years and they still hold hands and smooch in public. Their relationship and affection for one another has been an important stabalizing influence in my life for as long as I can remember. I'm so thankful for it, and I just hope I can provide the same stability for my girls forever. I hope you won't allow bigots and zealots to pull you apart. It's not worth it.

[Ian]

my wife fears for our son because he is adopted (Asian) he is going to stand out from the crowd and have more potential to be teased at school .shes worried about what will happen if he is asked to draw a picture of us ,and he puts me in a skirt.it will make him more of a target at school and that bothers me a bit to, because if im asked i will not lie about it. that would mean i was calling my son a lier. some things should be taught at school from very young
but i suppose its hard for kids to get past there parants predigdious ,i know it took me until i was 16 17 to out grow my dads homofobic mentality,funny all these years later and im a cross dresser.

[ChristineK]

I cant say for certain but think my wife would comfort and express affection for me in public as a woman or man. We have not yet tried this as I only told her weeks ago.

That said she has embraced the idea full forward and even purchased womans clothes and makeup for me. I have welcomed her to this site to see the rest of you and how each side deals with it but I don't think she needs it like I do. She is comfortable loving me for me what ever that looks like. You have to imagine how I felt about it and how easy it was for my to raise my arms and say yes to the freedom from the fear I lived for so long.

I have kinda dressed and my son has seen my wig and heels but has not really said anything. He thought it was prop from an earlier Halloween that I dressed out in the part (first time I ever felt comfortable and had the cloak of costume)

I do hope my wife joins and sees the love you all have between you and does not just see the destructive side of this lifestyle.

Thanks for sharing

[JoAnnDallas]

My son is 24 years old, married, and has a child. He and his family live far enough away that they don't come up here to Dallas that often, so wife and I decieded that it was not worth telling him or daughter-in-law about me. In 6 years I will be retired and we will then move back to Virginia, so will be even farther away. Those times that they will be around will be short, a week or so, I can easly manage drab mode with no problem.

[Stephanie W]

Ian

I`m not sure how old your son is but I have young kids of my own and when I came out to them a couple of years ago, I was also a little concerned about what may be said in school. I just gently told them not to say anything because most kids probably wouldn`t understand and I didn`t want them being teased because of me. That made the difference to them, not just for their own emotional self preservation, but knowing I was saying it to protect them too.

Stephanie

[Stephanie W]

Christine

I do hope my wife joins and sees the love you all have between you and does not just see the destructive side of this lifestyle.

She is comfortable loving me for me what ever that looks like.

I wouldn`t worry too much. That last sentence says it all!

Stephanie