Looking for any advice/experiences on telling a child

[Allena]

I hope I don't get into too much trouble posting a similar request in different places. I'm really trying to make sure I reach everyone I can, and I'm not sure how many people check all the forums.
If I err, please let me know and I'll get rid of whatever I have to.

OKAY, that being said,
I am in search of information to help my wife and I decide when the proper time to tell our 10y.o. daughter would be.
Our girl is stable, appropriately mature, and happy for a 10 y.o.
She has been an integral part of our family life since day one. Meaning, we have been generally open about family issues with her except for certain ones.
She knows we went to marriage counseling, why we went, and has heard us talk openly about the issue.
Basically, we tend not to hide most things from her.

Except my crossdressing.
I want to tell her while she is young. The very few accounts I have seen, seem to show that a child finding out in the teen years or later can have some pretty heavy problems dealing with it.
My hope is that as a young child, she can see that her father is no different than he always has been even though he likes to put on a skirt or dress sometimes.

I am not proposing I dress infront of her. I would limit her knowledge to a few, basic facts (I would not tell her I where a bra with fake breasts sometimes, for example).
BUT,
I realize that I would also be asking her not to tell anyone about it.

We have talked about people crossdressing in the context of having seen the issue brought up in movies, out in public, etc.
I have mentioned that I plan on making a kilt (something akin to a UTILIKILT), and wearing it on certain occasions.
She knows I have shaved my legs.
She knows that I tend to do a few "oddball" type things every now-and-then, and doesn't seem to be too embarassed or over-wrought by any of them.

My wife thinks our daughter is too young to know. She feels that this issue would confuse our girl. I think she means about sexual identity and other related issues.
We both agree not to do anything about it until we find out more.

I am looking for personal experiences, professional research/opinions, etc. to help us understand the issue better.
I'll be reading any old posts on this website, as well as searching out the Internet for more.
I am also planning on contacting authors, doctors, researchers who may have connection with this particular issue or related ones.
I was thinking that parents who are homosexual (Gay & Lesbian) and have come out to their child may have some relavence also.
Although that issue is defenitely sexually oriented.

I welcome all answers to my questions.
Thank you very much.

[Ridge]

Personal opinion: there is no reason to tell your 10 year old daughter other than to stroke your own ego and anything else.

I have a 13 year old daughter, and she is not ready nor are any children ready to deal with a very emotional ADULT issue. THIS IS AN ISSUE FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE ONLY. It is different than gay couples - there is no obviuos blurring of sexual roles by wearing the clothes of the opposit sex.

I was blasted before for this and I still stand by it: YOU AS A CD ARE SELFISH. YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYONES INTERESTS IN MIND EXCEPT YOUR OWN.

I strongly suggest you seek counseling to find out why this need to tell your daughter. Since your wife seems to go along with you on this matter, she would seek counseling also.

Ridge

[Alexandra]

Mr. Ridge has just stated his opinion, nothing more.

Allen, you do not need to seek counseling because you're thinking of telling your children. However, if you think it'll help, by all means, see one.

This issue has been discussed in this forum several times. In fact, we've heard from adult children in this very forum who recently found out and wished they had been told sooner.

IMO, by denying this information to children, one is contributing to a larger problem of mistrust that will surface later down the road -- just look at all the posts from SOs here that are more upset about the "lying" than the fact they've discovered their spouse is TG or a CD.

So, when is a good time to tell? Hard to say. Having a choice, I'd start from the very beginning -- when they're toddlers, this way CDing (and being trangendered) will always be "normal" to your kids.

YOU AS A CD ARE SELFISH. YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYONES INTERESTS IN MIND EXCEPT YOUR OWN.

This, of course, is just Mr. Ridge's opinion (Ridge wants to be referred to as a male, hence the "mr").

IMO we aren't selfish at all. Its who we are. We CAN hide it from the world to please others -- that's your choice. But that'll be living in denial. I think its better to just be yourself and ask for understanding and acceptance.

Further, from our unique position as a transgendered person or a crossdresser, we may actually be more tolerant of others in our society as a whole. Is this being selfish? Nope.

Ridge, I've already stated in this forum that I have children.

Please note the second sentence posted by Allen when he created this thread:

"I'm really trying to make sure I reach everyone I can"

and at the end he says:

'I welcome all answers to my questions."

It doesn't sound to me like he is looking for input ONLY from those who have small children.

If YOU want to limit the discussion, please create your own thread and have THAT discussion there.

[Ridge]

Alex, Allen specifically wanted the experiences of the people who dealt with the situation. So if you disclosed to your children, please share all the details. That is what he wants. If you have not disclosed, then who are you to tell him to do it. Smacks of hipocracy to me. Ridge

PS. No I haven't told and have not intention to do so. At least I follow my own advice.

[Shannon]

Ridge said:

I was blasted before for this and I still stand by it: YOU AS A CD ARE SELFISH. YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYONES INTERESTS IN MIND EXCEPT YOUR OWN.

Why do you have to be this way Ridge.... I certainly don't feel like getting into it with you again... but please if you don't mind please try not to be so abusive with your tone...

[Ridge]

Shannon;

I don;t know from the postings if you have children. I think you do not because as a father you would understand. There is nothing so precious as a young child, boy or girl. They should not be burdened with the unconventional behavoirs of their father. But, hey, it is his child and if he wants to create problems for his child, then he may certainly do so.

Ridge

[Shannon]

Shannon;

I don;t know from the postings if you have children. I think you do not because as a father you would understand. There is nothing so precious as a young child, boy or girl. They should not be burdened with the unconventional behavoirs of their father. But, hey, it is his child and if he wants to create problems for his child, then he may certainly do so.

Ridge

Okay, Ridge.... If I have kids or don't have kids is not the point I am trying to make... the point I am trying to make to you is

Please be nice....

Also please read your PM's... you have one that might or might not be important to you.

[Curly(SO)]

I haven't really made up my mind on this one. I would feel uncomfortable about my daughter knowing, in case she told her dad (who I am divorced from).

I dont think my 13 year daughter would have a problem dealing with it, if it was introduced really slow. When she saw me looking at a site discussing Eddie Izzard's CDing, she was very supportive of it, and said 'why have people got a problem with it?' She see's nothing wrong with crossdressing, so why would it give her problems?

She found out a couple of years ago, that her aunt is a lesbian, and has absolutely no problem with that, or with people knowing. I think maybe the younger generation are far more accepting of peoples' differences, and by us being more open about GLBT issues, that can only get better.

My daughter has a good relationship with her stepdad, she looks up to him, and also likes his quirkiness! I don't think it would be too much of a surprise to her, having said that, I wouldn't tell her outright. I would be honest if she asked though.

I don't feel the need to make a big announcement about it, as my husband has no desire to go public. I also have to respect his privacy, and that is a factor in not telling, for me.

Everyone has their own unique set of circumstances , so really, there is no right or wrong answer.

Sorry, I don't think I've been of much help!

[CJ]

Hi all,

From one daughter's heart: I just feel somehow deceived. And this whole thing is making me question my relationships with everyone. I find myself wondering if I really know anyone. I just wish it hadn’t been so hidden from me, though I understand the motivations behind it. They were trying to somehow shield or protect me, but this is worse discovering the truth out of the blue. --Ada B.

A good plea, it seems, for being as upfront to our children about who we are as early as possible. Of course, variations included.

Allen,

My opinion: the fact that you, as a husband and a parent, are seeking to give your wife and daughter the opportunity to come to know and love who you truly are is the most caring gift you can give them, along with your own wish to fully know and love the individuals your wife and daughter are. This desire for emotional intimacy and psychological closeness with those we love is one of our most sublime traits as human beings; this wanting to connect is the opposite of selfish. Press on, Allen, press on. I think your path is bordered with fragrant blooms.

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

Hi Allen,

Great post!

I like Ridge's input. It's usually opposite of what we hear here. It was a bit blunt, but it was his opinion. (He even stated it was just his personal opinion)

Ridge (if you're still here) why did you say that someone who tells their children in whacked? Is that what you meant to say?


I'll be honest I'm flinching waiting for your response, but your responses to both Alexandra & Shannon were polite and respectful.

Beauty

(I cleaned up posts that weren't about what Allen wanted advice on)

[Ridge]

Beauty;

I did not use the word "whacked." If anything, I am consistent - I used the word "selfish." By this I mean a CD is considering only his interests, and over the interests of those close to him. Others post to say it is good for the child to have this understanding. I disagree. There are literally dozens of posts from SOs struggling to deal with the issue. So how do expect a young child to deal with?? I say you don't, keep it to yourself and wife unless a direct quesiton arises. Then I believe honesty is the best policy.

I stated in a PM that CD is still "weird science" for the public. It is not "mainstream" as is homosexuality - there is no "CD eye for the straight guy" show yet. So why create potential problems for a child. Sort of let sleeping dogs lie.

Thank you for your compliment (I believe). Just my thoughts.

Ridge

[Allena]

Sorry, I don't have much time to respond.
I have to take my daughter to school, then our poor little iMac to the Mac Hospital...it keeps crashing

I will return when I can post without rushing.

BUT, I would like to say this...

First, thanks to ALL who reply here. Yes, I am looking for comments from anyone, although I agree that those from people who have dealt with this issue with their children will provide me with the most relative info.
If any children (adults now I would assume) can provide me with how they handled learning, that would be helpful also.

So, please keep providing your comments TO ME, that you feel are directly related to the question(s) asked. I value each of your comments, parents or not.

As for the little war brewing here...

Mr.Ridge, I realize the internet is a difficult medium in which to read other's emotions. Quite often I have seen folks attack each other over comments made, where their intention was possibly misinterpreted.

I have to say though, that the manner in which you posted, especially the first, came across to me as being too agressive and hatefilled.
I actually questioned whether you were a crossdresser, or perhaps someone who was posting here to just agitate people...a.k.a. a Troll.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and read all your posts when I get my computer back and online...hopefully tomorrow!

Everyone else can relax a bit. This is the internet. You won't change someone's mind if they post like they believe in what they are saying.
So many of you have very valuable things to contribute, but rising up to "defend" an issue or person online has never seemed to do anything but excite more animosity.

I will suggest that folks keep posting answers/comments directed to the question, and try to accept that there will be posts you may not like yet they do no harm.
I say they do no harm because what we get is an education about other people when we listen to them. We learn something about ourselves in the process also.
Listen, and please don't involve yourself in a dispute. A good-natured debate would be worthwhile, but when it rises to ill feelings, it's time to leave it and find a new path.

Thanks to all!

[Ridge]

Allen;

I guess I seem to take the Dr. Phil approach to some answers (e.g. "What were you thinking?" or "Who died and appointed you king/queen?") . If nothing else, his direct approach gets people thinking, particularly who he is addressing.

I like your philosophy of taking the posts for what they are worth -some other persons opinion to whom you may agree or disagree. I do encourage you read as many posts as possible. I found it enlightening.

If all we every sought were other people to agree with us, instead of giving us their true position on a matter, wouldn't it be rather boring and unenlightening??

Ridge

[Amber(SO)]

Allen,
I can understand your desire to share this part of yourself with your daughter. I just found out about Kyra about a month ago and am still feeling the aftershocks. (Especially after a 17 year relationship.) The fact that your daughter is only 10 gives me hope. She is still young enough to not be an adolescent who is trying to find her own sexuality. Also you have slowly been introducing her to CDing and alternative lifestyles. This will help her be more accepting.

I have had about 20 courses in college psychology and these include child and adolescent psycology. Your daughter is about to embark on a very traumatic time in her life. She will be determining her own identity. Sexual and personal. If you want to tell her then do it now. Don't wait until she is 12 or 13. She will not be able to deal with it then. If you decide to wait then you will need to wait until she is at least 17 or 18. By then she should have developed a good sense of self-identity and be able to cope with yours.

I was exaggerating when I told Kyra I wanted to wait until our kids were married. I am also slowly exposing them to CDing and alternative lifestyles through movies, etc. My daughter who is 12 has been very accepting, although confused. She has already entered those hallowed halls of adolescent psyche' and it is too late to tell her now. We will have to wait until she is older, and more mature psychologically.

If you want to read up on some psychology theorists look up Eric Erickson and Jean Piaget. Freud was a little too extreme for me but he may help too. Erickson's developmental stages will help you to understand why 12 through about 17 is a bad time for this.

Hope this helps. Sorry I was so long winded.
XOXO, Amber

[Beauty]

:: sticks nose in ::

Hey Amber,

Holy Cow was that PERFECT!!!

Thank you!!!

It wasn't long winded and I think I'll use it myself if I ever have children.

:: butting out now ::