Hi ya Lovely people,Thankyou for your lovely words of support and encouragement.
It is very hard for me to express to most people how I feel about my relationship with Marie,our family and me myself....all I know is that over the past 3 years I have had my own personal journey to face..I did'nt want to face such a journey..because to me I had my life planned out....Most of us do not put a plan in place for the what if things go wrong..sure we prepare through Insurance for our health,our homes,maybe set up funds for our old age,and for our kids even..but a drastic change that can turn your whole world upside down..well we just are'nt prepared.
So that was me not ready for such a life change..swung into carers mode straight away..I wanted my partner to be sure,I wanted them to have the best help available..I got Marie writing a journal of her past and what her feelings were now..all the time hoping she would write that she had made a mistake..imagined it and that yes she was just a crossdresser..who was I kidding..I was kidding myself..so the longer I helped her..the more I did'nt have to face me the individual..then one day I realised that what I was doing was creating a co-dependent relationship..I did'nt want that and it was'nt healthy..so then I focused on me.....Marie began her journey,I read,I spoke to many people..but you can read and you can speak to many..but each persons journey is completely different..the tools we have within us to cope are completely different also.
So I then began to view my life as a cube...rolling it..looking at my life now..my feelings and how I would feel should our relationship end and how would I feel should we stay.How will people view us..willl they mock us or support us,would I be able to cope with people mocking or stareing at us..would I cope not just being near Marie..able to talk about all the things we did talk about.The kids were on my roll of the dice..how will they feel,how will they cope,what would their peers say..would this damage their development emotionally...if we stay together what needs to be in place for the kids,how will I and we communicate to them..seeing they are of various ages and needs,about their Fathers internal struggle.
Sexuality was my biggest roll on the dice..how would I cope knowing one that Marie found it difficult to make love as a man...I did'nt know,she put on a great act..this was hard to swallow..pardon the pun..how could she not enjoy my body entwined in hers..next roll of the dice..this is purely selfish..would I not ever feel the hardness of a man within me..the climax when we both orgasmed.....next roll of the dice,how will I feel,how will the children feel as Marie transitions from man to woman..chest muscles to breasts,softer skin,perfumed smell,clothing of softness and colour,shoes with heels,stockings ..and the biggy how will I cope after her surgery seeing her with genitals just like mine..bossoms enlarged etc.
SO you see the journey for me has been massive..and it has just been as massive for the kids and for Marie..we are all facing our own personal issues.
The biggest part of starting our journey was Marie not totally hating her male life..and accepting that the pain and hurt she felt as a child and teenager had really prepared her for the joy of now..that every negative in her life no matter how painful..actually had a positive shine to it..and that is what I have done for myself also..that first year I could have been totally negative 24/7..but what is the point..it was'nt her fault and it was'nt mine..she tried to tell me she just could'nt..I had seen the signs, I had questioned her much in our life.about her maybe being gay...but I put those questions i asked as far back into my mind as I could..so I did'nt remember.Hate is a horrible emotion..I could've hated as well,but what was the point I loved her, our life was'nt broken..it was merely going through a change..should I have ran..no bloody way thats not me..but I ws prepared to try and find some resolution so that we somehow could continue,either as friends or still as a couple either as seperate family or together as a complete family unit.
Each roll of that dice brought new questions for me..the what ifs the maybe's.
The final roll and the one many people have struggled with..I am staying I love this individual..I love the soul of this individual..and our souls know no gender..they are free they are what makes this person..the body is a tool a temple that allows our soul to express itself with fluidness....Marc had trouble with the fluid..always angry yet creative always negative but wanting to be positive..but crumbling at the knee's that life was just to hard.When Marie began to emerge the true innate self a change took place..not straight away..but as she began to feel comfortable and in control of her life..she began to shine ,she was fluid in motion..I could see it, the kids could see it, we could feel it....that was when I realised that finally Marie innately was no longer trapped,and that was when I began to feel totally at ease with her,I liked being around her,I wanted to be around her...and the amazing thing was she wanted to remain with me and the kids.
We as a family unit are in perfect function..I actually call us a Dysfunctional family who are highly functional..the kids are amazing and strong a credit to themselves..their peers have been wonderful and those that come to our home and that is many..as everyone calls my home the local drop in centre for kids..are happy to converse and respect Marie.
Don't get me wrong through all this discovery we have had some hell banger arguments,have brought each other to our knee's......but honestly it has made us both stronger.
Now your probably wondering how I will cope with seeing Marie and her new Genitals..to tell you the truth I have had no problem...I have had no problem exploring my sexuality on the other side of the fence.However i don't look at us as being gay women enjoying each other...Love is an amazing thing,our souls are truely wonderful and I truely believe that we are capable of loving either sex..if you are truely in love with that person..as I said to me the body is just a tool to enjoy touch and smell..the soul is the energy that drives that..so why can;t the feeling of arousal,intimacy be the same..to me they can..just being able to still hold Marie in my arms,have her hold me,and entwine our energies together with our bodies..is simply heaven.
My boys have asked me many questions..they have even asked me if I am gay now...I just say to them..you love Maddy still (maddy is the kids name they call her M for Marie and addy for daddy) no matter what she looks like?she is still your dad?..they always answer with yes of course,well its the same for me,I still love Maddy as I did the day we united together in marriage..nothing has changed for me.
I know we are going to make it through life..because we are able to be open and flexible with our communication to each other..I feel positive that what ever life brings forth we will all be prepared ..just because of a roll of a dice that allows you to see life in so many angles..and I guess that is the beauty of life and nature itself...there is always a positive from a negative and there will always be up and downs....but to survive every roll of that dice you need to see and find the importance of life to you first ,the beauty and amazement of the human individual and to know that we are all capable of seeking out what is best for our lives.....no one person is as special as another..a rich person will bleed,cry and feel joy and pain just the same as somoene who has been classed lower than them..embrace every individual..do not look down upon them and think you are greater...we as human beings are all special..we all have good in us as much as evil..it is the tools within us that will help us prepare our way in life...if you see somoene not coping ,help them a little,help them to find a way to see just how special and amazing they are.
Hugs Penny
