Trying to understand

[Sami Cover_SO]

My husband came out to me about being a CD about 3 months ago. I was as understanding, and supportive as I could be for him. Which for me, was shocking, because I didn't really understand it. I know more now than what I did when he first told me, mainly because of everyone here, and the support that I get from you all. Especially the CD's, whom I sincerely adore! My problem is, now that it's all out in the open, I find myself dreading it when she dresses. Whether it be in pantyhose and nighties, or dresses. I find myself angry at Shannon for appearing, when I just want my husband. I love him so much, and I know that Shannon is a part of him, but I really am having a hard time dealing with it. I even cry sometimes because I'm confused. At times, it doesn't bother me at all, and I smile when she comes down. Other times, I ignore her, and get angry because she's there. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and make her feel like she can't dress in front of me. So I don't want to tell her how I've been feeling. I guess I just need someone to tell me that everything I'm feeling is normal.

[Carol Ann]

Sami,

Your feelings are more then normal and you have a right to your feelings.
I have openly dress in front of my wife for? well since we got married. I believe the problem is you two don't talk about it, your side of things and his side of things.

For some GG it is hard to see the man you love in a dress and heels but honey he is still your man the one you married. Try to think of it as just cloths as that's all they are is cloths.

Now on the other hand my wife will tell me when she doesn't want Carol around ( far an few between) and in all things there is give and take. Talking is the best helper of all.

[Anita]

Hi Sami--
As much as I like being able to be my gal self whenever I need to be, I can understand your anger at seeing Shannon. I have had friends that had a side of their personalities that I didn't like, and when that "side" showed up instead of my friend, I felt hurt and angry. My friends needed to express that side of themselves (and I'm including drugs and alcohol, here), and I had a need for consistency and trust. The two needs collided.
Objectively, CDing shouldn't be as disturbing as drug abuse, but the change in personality can be there in both cases.

It seems like the two of you may need to set limits as to when Shannon can dress, at least in the beginning. You need to be able to "gear up" for when Shannon is going to appear--that's just the reality of it being new and unknown.

[Amelie-Laveau]

You are not normal, everyone in the world is either crazy or insane,, but no one in the world is normal.

You are part of the marriage, in a marriage there is supposed to be understanding between the two partners, each partner has equal shares in the relationship and your feelings and desires are just as important as your SO‘s. As Carol said, you both should talk more with each other,,,, communication is the key and don‘t let things get bottled up inside you.. Relationships are a two way street,.

Of note,,, I know that there are many, many reasons why a guy doesn’t tell his wife from the start that he is a cd. Most cds know what they are from an early age. But I can’t help but feel that this coming out later seems to be the major stumbling point in a relationship. This messes with the wife’s head with emotions of anger, confusion, hurt, and hate. To me, this doesn’t seem fair to place at the feet of the wife, and because of this, I feel the guy should bend a little in the relationship, after all, it was he who came out late with this new life style. As I said, there are many good reasons why a guy doesn’t tell his wife from the start, but still,, this seems to be a major problem in these relationships.

Good luck to you both.

[DonnaT]

Hi Sami,

My wife has been along that roller-coaster ride a few times, and still hops aboard even after 33 yrs of knowing. And here you've only had 3 months of knowing.

Emotions are real, so what you are going through is real. So don't get upset with yourself for feeling like you do.

My wife would not be able to handle seeing me fully enfemme more that once a month, so when I dress around the house it is without the wig and makeup. I only fully dress when going out.

So, you do need to tell her how you are feeling. Let her know it is occasional. Work out a compromise, since there are times you are fine with it. Hopefully she's as understanding as you.

If you don't talk about it, and communication is key to a marriage, you'll likely start to resent her all the time.

[Virginia]

Sami,

Hi, thanks for posting, it tells us that you are open-minded enough to at least seek some answers that will help you cope. I only hope that we can help some. As has been said, communication is critical. Actually you hold the controls. I would think you need to tell Shannon that there are times when you need your husband rather than her, but you also have to accept the fact that for most of us this is a part of who we are. Why this "woman" chooses any particular time in our lives to make herself known to us and demands to express herself is something we just can't answer.

Your husband perhaps has been suppressing this aspect of himself all his life up until it just became impossible to do so any longer (a lot of us fit that category). What you have the right to do is set the boundaries for her. This is the communication aspect. First, as I said this is part of your SO, it ain't gonna go away, but usually it can be controlled by mutual agreement. Please don't think that you can make Shannon go away, but you can set the parameters for her "existence," through communication.

Let us know how you both work this out. What you do that hopefully works for you can possibly help another couple that may be struggling with the same situation and they may say, "well it worked for them maybe it can work for us."

Love,

Virginia

[Absaroka]

Sami your feelings are your feelings, neither right or wrong.

I'd agree about the communication, and also you need to be comfortable with things-it's your home and your marriage as well as his. I'm going to refer to him as masculine because this is your HUSBAND we are talking about.

It's very important that you be able to accept this aspect of your husband, because that is who he is. But accepting does not neccesarily letting him unilaterally change all the parameters about these things. Any agreement needs to include your needs.

If you need help in getting him to understand this try wearing strongly mens clothes, a suit and tie or maybe really dirty and smelly longshoremans clothing and a fake beard, and see how he reacts.

Absaroka

[Elizabeth]

Hi Sami,

There is probably not a lot I can add that my sisters have not already mentioned, but I do want you to remember to take care of your needs. While I am transsexual and present female all the time and my wife has known me no other way, I can see from your point of view how seeing your husband dressed as a woman can be upsetting. Change is always difficult.

You might be just as upset if he came home dressed as a biker or an urban cowboy or his face pierced and tattoos all over. Not that there are anything wrong with those stereotypical looks, but that they present a great change in appearance and that can make one uncomfortable.

I think you really need to talk to him about what makes you feel uncomfortable. Not in a disapproving way, but in a way that shows that while it may be a good thing for him, it can be very unnerving for you. Perhaps you can try to figure what times that make you uncomfortable and what times do not? That kind of thing.

Whatever you do, don't feel like you have to keep your feelings bottled up to be supportive. That will only lead to resentment and anger. So tell him how you feel.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[KimberlyS]

Sami, finding what is comfortable for you is something that needs to be worked out with you and your husband. And it will take some communication from both of you. So you need to talk to each other, especially you so he knows how you feel so he can adjust as needed. And yes your comfort level will vary from day to day, hour to hour at times.

But the only way to make it work is to keep the communication open and flowing from both sides. Then add in some compromise and trying some new things now and then with follow up communication.

Good luck and glad to have you here. Hope to see you around here more.

kim
joe in a skirt

[CJ]

Hi Sami,

First, welcome to the forum. It's always great to see another SO join us.

Now, about your feelings regarding "Shannon," I'm assuming here that you've had an opportunity to chat with some of the other SOs on the forum? Doing so will, at the very least, give you a sense that you're not alone in your feelings regarding the (shocking) discovery of a spouse's true gender identity late in a marriage.

While there seems to me little to be gained from assigning blame, I do agree with Amélie on this one. Honesty and transparence from the get-go on the part of both partners seems a wise choice in a life partnership. While this transparence may not be explicitly discussed at the outset, it's usually implied in the decision to trust and respect another person for the rest of your life. When that implied trust and respect is violated by one partner, the other has every right to feel angry, sad, and betrayed. In this sense, your husband's alter ego is very much like "the other woman" that can cause so much grief in marriages where infidelity becomes an issue. Just try to remember, though, that "Shannon" is not that other woman; "Shannon" is just another part of your husband's personality, one that he probably should've been more honest about much earlier in your relationship. Having said this, and as Amélie has mentioned, there are a few reasons why crossdressers aren't more forthcoming about this side of themselves to prospective (or even actual) partners. The main ones, seems to me, are that CDs fear ostracism (as well they should, given that they will, indeed, increase the likelihood they'll be ostracized once this becomes known about them) and, also, that they will lose the love and respect of those they, themselves, love and respect. While many people can deal with being hated by a relative stranger, there aren't many out there who can live with being hated by a loved one. Moreover, there are even fewer who can tolerate never being loved at all, by anyone. So, in order to avoid this, they make it a life habit to hide that part of themselves they believe others will hate (often, on the mistaken assumption that, just because they hate that part of themselves, others will, too). It can be a very lonely place, being a crossdresser. Even when he's married to the most wonderful gal in the world. It can be, but it doesn't have to be.

This is where communication plays a major role, as my sisters here have already said. Honest communication (I'm tempted to say, "for once"). Make him aware, as unambiguously and unequivocally as you can, of your feelings in the matter of his crossdressing. Invite him also to be clear about his own feelings and emotions. Again, remember that many CDs aren't really at ease with this part of themselves and will try to avoid having to delve too deeply into their own feelings about it all. Make him see how much more difficult it may be for you to be at peace with this when you've only found out three months ago while he's known about this aspect of himself for most of his life and may still have trouble dealing with it.

If there's love in your relationship (and I assume there is, otherwise you probably wouldn't be here, trying to get a handle on things), there's always hope of finding some place in that relationship where you both can meet in all your emotional vulnerabilities and strengths and where neither of you need be condemned to loneliness.

The ball really is in your court now, Sami. The big step for your husband was to tell you of his crossdressing (with indescribable anguish, I'm sure). Now, it's up to you to see (and "feel out") if this is something you're prepared to live with... not necessarily on his terms alone nor on yours but on terms you both are comfortable with (hence, the need for honest communication). Until you've taken that step, "Shannon" ought to be more circumspect in your relationship. And you need to make this clear to your husband. It's been the experience of many an SO that, once the cat is let out of the bag (or, rather, that it has let itself out of the bag), the cat believes it's instantly free to roam at will. That's just not the case, though. In the first few months following a husband's self-revelation to his wife, he may go "hog wild" and take his newfound freedom to extremes. Often, his wife will initially (albeit perhaps uneasily) play along. That is, until she's had time to reflect and to get in touch with her true feelings in the matter. Then, things will usually get a little wobbly. Support may be sought by either spouse. If not, a drift may become a rift. Your husband needs to give you the time you need to sort out your feelings and to play your own hand. Anything less may only serve to further alienate you.

I have little doubt your husband loves you. He took a huge chance by telling you just who he really is. While it may be that he did so because he felt he was (as is often the case with closeted CDs) "at the end of his rope" in dealing alone with his own transvestism, there's also the fact that he trusts you and loves you enough to want to show you his "secret garden." (Remember, it's still considered a huge liability for men, even in this enlightened day and age, to show their softer, sensitive, more delicate side; when a man does so, he doesn't do so lightly.)

To sum up, Sami, be patient (with yourself and with "Shannon"); take the time you need to work this out and make sure your hubby understands you do need that time and that he should act accordingly.

Above all, talk, communicate, listen.

I wish you both luck, love, and mutual satisfaction for many years to come.

Love,
CJ

[Georgia(SO)]

Hi Sami -

I don't have long to talk, but will tell you that your feelings are normal. They are already starting to calm down, aren't they - I think you said that sometimes it doesn't bother you at all... it is just *sometimes* you get annoyed.

You can try a couple of things here, before you have a big talk with your guy. First, see if you can figure out what triggers the annoyance vs. what triggers the smiling. Were you planning an evening with *him* and *she* appeared - were you just surprised - were you already in a cranky mood? Whatever it is, you may or may not be able to figure it out... I know that, after six years, I still get annoyed sometimes, and other times it really doesn't matter. I haven't entirely figured out what triggers the annoyance - it's often different things - maybe I was planning to snuggle up to him later that night, or maybe *I* was having a bad hair day and here she shows up all glammed up - all sorts of things can trigger your response.

Sometimes just knowing what it is that is bothering you can eliminate the problem - it took me a long time to realize that I was jealous because she often looked better than I did since she was dressing for a special occasion while I was just putting clothes on to keep from being naked. (Whether he is going anywhere or not, getting dressed up as a girl is a special occasion for him...) Once I realized that, I treated myself to a bit of dressing special and most of that issue went away without ever having to discuss it with him.

Secondly, if you can figure out what is bothering you about it, then you are better able to say to your sweetie - "Sometimes she makes me feel dowdy", or "Sometimes I'm planning on loving you mercilessly and she doesn't turn me on", or "Sometimes I feel like there are three people in this marriage and I don't particularly like sharing you...".

Despite what the CDs have said here, it is my experience that you will have better luck with your sweetie not getting his feelings hurt, or not getting defensive (or both) if you can A) word the conversation in the "I Feel..." paradigm (rather than the accusatory "You did..." phrasing) and B) explain that you don't always feel that way and C) try to explain what it makes you feel like.

hope it helps -
outta here and back to the salt mines...

-georgia(so)

[Georgia(SO)]

P.S. Sami

Don't forget to say, over and over, that you don't think it's wrong, you don't think he's a freak, and it's not going to make you stop loving him. Over and over again...

-g (so)

[JenniferPL]

Give it time. You may start to notice a change how you are treated.

My wife has noticed that in the past nine months we hold hands more often, we cuddle more and overall we are talking more. My advice to everyone has always been go slow and try to stay within their spouses comfort zone. If you do not want to see Shannon, than tell him. If there are times when you are ok with Shannon being around than let that be known. When Shannon is around, that may be a good opportunity to express yourself about how you would like to treated by your husband. Find your comfort zone. Hopefully, over time you will allow your comfort zone to enlarge. Do not be afraid to set some ground rules.

I started coming out to my wife like 15 years ago. It wasn't until recently that I came to terms that I am a cross dresser, with her help and understanding. She told me as long as I do not go out in public dressed, do not dress in front of the kids, I can do whatever I want around the house. It helps we live in the country.

[Nikki Adams]

Sami,

I can't even pretend to know how you feel. I can only tell you how I feel, and maybe it will help you look at your husband in a different light.

I married young and had never really fully explored my "feminine side." For years, I just ignored what I was knew was true. I made up a fantasy for myself--that I was just "a little kinky" or had a fetish for silky lingerie. I would try to get my wife to wear these things, just so I could feel them on her. Then in later years, I would sneak them out of her dresser drawers and try them on when she wasn't home. Slowly, the old feelings from my childhood began to resurface. I knew I needed to dress.

Once, when I tried to include some lingerie in sexual play--with both of us wearing them, acting as if I were just being playful and trying to "spice things up," my wife let me know this is not acceptable. It was my way of testing the waters to see if fully dressing were ever an option--and obviously it was not.

What I'm trying to say is that I have had these feelings as long as I can remember--back as far as when I was four years old. I can't deny them. I can't blame anyone for doing this to me. It was not a result of sexual abuse or having a CD father, or anything else I can think of--it just is who I am. But now I know I can never share this with my wife.

I will carry this secret to the grave. My wife will never know this part of me. It really pains to know that I have something to hide from her. She deserves to know who I am, but she has let me know it is not a possibility. Someday, if she outlives me, she may find some very confusing evidence of who I really was and know that I had deep secrets I never trusted her enough to share. How horrible!

I respect your husband for fulfilling his marriage vows of being faithful and honest with you. That took a lot of courage and trust--and a desire to let you know that he loves you enough to be honest. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you, but please return his honesty with honesty. Tell him what it will take for you to be comfortable with this. If you never will be, let him know. But if you really want to stay married to him, in spite of this new facet of your relationship, find a way to talk to him, to show him your love and to strive toward acceptance.

I wish you both the very best. I know you didn't ever expect this or deserve it, but please believe your husband didn't knowingly "do" anything to you.

God bless you and may your tears of pain someday become tears of joy.

Nikki