Boredom, Anticipation, Depression, Quietness

Elle · Post by **Elle** » Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:31 pm

As I set here this morning, Thursday February 26, 2004, I am depressed. Not clinically depressed, needing drugs to elevate my mind depressed, and certainly not needing consuling depressed, but just down in the dumps depressed. This is not the type of depression that leads to thoughts of suicide or hurting others, it is just a dark dreary place in my mind or that I simply don't care about anything. As I sat down to write this document this morning my plan was to restrict the length to just a few short paragraphs. Instead it ended up well over 10 pages long, I offer this brief excerpt from that 10 pages as an explanation and an apology to any that I may have offended.

As a 55 year old man who has cross dressed since he was 13 years old (yes 42 years of this) I find that I have four moods, each marked in their own way and with their own set of problems and triggers. The first is boredom. I define boredom as the desire to do something but not having the will, time, or opportunity to take action. This may also mean no financial way to take action and as a child this was my primary problem along with no opportunity (think privacy).

The next step is anticipation. I know that this sounds strange but it is really the most dangerous phase of the cycle I have repeated for so many years. At some stage of boredom I look for something to pull me out of the endless cycle of staying busy but not enjoying it. I take on new projects that spark the creative nature of my brain. It may be in the form of writing, making something with my hands, or simply daydreaming about what could be.

Sometimes the action is a simple as shopping for a new garment and the anticipation is that this new garment will either sooth my desires to dress or allow me control. So to play it out I will sometimes be busily involved in some activity that I hope will challenge me. During this activity I may think, "if I would go to Sears (could be Penny's, Younker's, eBay, or whatever) and buy this garment (it varies which garment comes to my mind) then I will stop thinking about all that has gone on in the past."

During anticipation I at some point take action. Over my life the anticipation phase could start and end in a matter of minutes, other times, like over the past month it can take weeks or months. You see denial is a major part of this phase as well. But not denial in the sense that I deny that I have a problem. At this point I have reached the conclusion that I am racing towards the cliff's edge and I must try to deny myself the pleasure I seek so that my actions do not harm others or my self with risky behavior.

I find this a very dangerous period, not only because I am racing towards actions that will cause me to fail to control my actions, but also because I become very creative in how to conceal my actions. But as I reach the point of action in this phase I also become reckless. I throw caution to the wind and when I finally take action it is swift and reckless.

Once I take action I may move quickly to being depressed or cycle back to the start of anticipation. This is where it all gets so complicated. Generally the boredom phase lasts a short time and I move past it and do not slip back into it. Once I reach anticipation I may be stuck in it for weeks, months, and yes at one point for years, constantly cycling within the same phase from start to finish like a dog chasing its tail.

If you are wondering why I call this the anticipation stage it is because I have come to learn that my anticipation of action and fulfillment (acquiring and using the item) never really meets my expectations in reality. By that I mean that the action of going shopping never really fully meets my thoughts of how nice it would be to go select the item. When the item arrives or when I have purchased it, it doesn't fit or feel like I thought it should. It doesn't bring me the pleasure I thought it would.

But the actions of anticipation lead to the next step, and that is where I am today. For every trigger I have identified for the other phases there are as many triggers for this phase. The trigger this time was being told that my writing was inappropriate for the forum it was displayed in. The person telling me this did a flawless job of handling it.

She was polite, to the point, and non-judgmental in her approach. She was kind in her follow-up messages and did nothing that could be judged as cruel or condescending. But the mere mention that the work I displayed was inappropriate triggered an instant end to the anticipation phase and sent me to the depression stage.

This cycle began about 2 months ago with the loss of my mother-in-law. I was unable to see this as a trigger, in fact when my wife showed concern about me during the days following the death I indicated that I had no problem at all. You see I busied myself with funeral arrangements and things I could do for the family. I grieved privately as this loss was great for me but I wanted to be strong for the others.

I did things for the family that I never thought I'd be capable of. I acted as the spiritual leader during the graveside ceremonies, taking charge of the arrangements and writing the service. I acted as the caretaker by closing the grave and making sure everything was in order. I consoled my wife and other family members and tried not to show any tears even though inside I was sobbing most of the time.

Depression is marked by simply not caring about anything. I don't care about dressing, not dressing, creative ventures or anything. I try to mask my depressed state so that it does not show but I am sure those close to me notice it. I am never depressed to the state that I would think of hurting others or myself, I simply don't give a rip about anything. It is nothing like boredom, during boredom I seek out something, anything to challenge me, here I don't care.

I won't dwell on the depression phase because I can't find words to fully describe what goes on in my head. Perhaps another time will bring words to mind and I will try to write about it. But quietness is the phase that is best for me and for those that love me. I become thoughtful of others, and don't seem to dwell on any problem too long. I still have a desire to dress, but would say during this time I have full control of myself.

If the desire to dress gets too strong I will it away. I tell myself that I will allow myself the pleasure at a later time. I am not lying to myself or setting myself up, I simply control my actions to fit what is appropriate. My longest quiet time ever was from the time I met my wife and started dating until the return of the desires to dress. This was a period between 1966 and 1977, yes, you read right 11 years of full and total control.

My latest quiet phase started on March 3, 2002. I remember the day, time, and discussion that led to it. The depression phase started the same day and ended within a matter of hours. And the quiet phase lasted until the death of my mother-in-law on Christmas. I think this cycle has been the most hurtful to me of them all. I don't remember having one guilty thought in 1977 when my dressing began again.

This last quiet phase began when my wife discovered my dressing and although she did not ask me to stop she did ask me to respect her and how uncomfortable she was with this. I made a promise to myself and breaking that promise has hurt deeply. My promise was NOT to stop dressing, but to never loose control again, which is to say I would never go into the anticipation phase.

The quietness phase for me is what I think life should really be all about. In this phase I am happy with who I am and although I still wish I was not plagued with desires that I can't control or explain I am comfortable enough with it and my control to not let it become a dark cloud hanging over me. This phase is also a time when I think I am the most creative and productive. I can focus on a single project and be happy, or like a juggler I can have 4 or 5 things going on at one time and still accomplish something.

There are moments when I think that during anticipation I am in my most creative state. As I look at some of my writings or graphic work I marvel at the things I think of and can accomplish. But if I am honest my quiet times are the most creative times. If I could have one wish in the world it would of course to be normal in my thoughts about dressing. But if I couldn't wish for that it would be to remain in the quietness state forever.

If you have read this far I hope you will perhaps understand me a little better, and that you will accept my sincere apology for posting details on this forum that were offensive to some. Everything I wrote and posted were true and at no time were the written with the thought that I was being inappropriate, again, I was in my anticipation phase and at my most dangerous part of it. I have no idea how long this gloomy depressive state will last, perhaps it will pass just as quickly as the phases that preceeded it, perhaps not.

I will not be posting to this or any site until this passes, I will not be answering any e-mail on this topic since at this phase I am most likely to lash out in anger. I can be a real jerk at times, once this phase passes I will be in much better shape to contribute something meaningful. I will continue to check into the site in hopes of finding support through others posting. I am not fishing for compliments rahter just know that this group seems to have a heart and understands the hurt that can come from not understanding oneself. I am very new to this site and feel I have shamed myself and feel horrible about that.

You all have something good going on here and harming it or others is the last thing I would want to do. I thank you for this indulgence............

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Thu Feb 26, 2004 5:14 pm

Wow! It is so true - we are all "wired"a bit different, even in this "community." Not wishing to be self-serving, but we are close to the same age ( a lady doesn't tell- well at least I don't). Let me tell you how I look at this - Its magical!!! There was a post on another thread and it states that we are so very fortunate to be "wired the way we are" We have the best of both worlds. We can appreciate beauty from both sides of the mirror and experience the ups and I guess unfortunately the downs that GG's actual feel (maybe not all) but we have a hellofa better insight than a majority of the guys out there. I came out to my wife several months ago because I just refuse to live in "fear of getting caught." I was however prepared to discuss it with her by all the research we have available to us on the Net. At this juncture in our marriage (27 years) she says she accepts it but she is not ready to see me dressed and may never be! I furthur realize that there are SO's out there who will not or can not ever accept it and it behoves those of us in that situation to do what works for them, but with the understanding that we have a beautiful gift, that is to see both sides and using that gift can strengthen our relationships and make us even better people. Research to date says that CD'ers are not mental, but are, even in the worse light, more versatile and flexible and loving because they better understand. CDing is simply and extension of that love and understanding and an attempt to grow beyond just being some honking macho male. Love it, embrace it, if its a true self go with it - I think the journey is beautiful and well worth the effort! Deborah

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Feb 26, 2004 8:55 pm

Hi Elle,

I read every single word. I took a break because I had to fill my wine glass once. I thought it was a very, very open letter.

I think your quiet time stage is the best. The stage that you're not going to describe here is dangerous, but it also happens because of repressing the CD'ing. The more severe the repression the more extreme the coming out again party.

The balance lies with Rikki. By doing as Rikki does the balance is there. Security, at times, could be scary. Like her Mexican experience where she wisely walked the other way when perhaps there was a threat. Those moments seem to pale against all the hours she spends dressed and living a transgendered life happily being herself.

I think we should all become like Rikki to be honest. Dress and get over it.

I'm not that brave however. Not yet at least.

I am so tired of being someone else, but I'm not where I think I need to be professionally to do anything else right now.

Your post was very well done. I hope the current phase you're in passes quickly as you are very wise and very expressive. We could use that here ya' know!

Don't be selfish you!

I'm glad you're here Elle. Great post!

Beauty

Allena · Post by **Allena** » Thu Feb 26, 2004 11:56 pm

I read your post and found it quite interesting.
I'm not familiar with the other post you mention. My interest is sparked, but not knowing is okay with me.
You spoke alot about anticipation.
I kept wanting to see you type-in, INSPIRATION, somewhere within your writing.
It almost seems to me that you keep yourself too "reigned-in" with the constraints of "anticipation".
Might you look for the inspiration there also?
To Inspire is a wonderful thing...I believe!

CJ · Post by CJ » Sun Feb 29, 2004 8:15 am

Hi Elle,

What an honest baring of your soul. Very moving. I understand what you're going through... the stillness, the anger, the anticipation, the disappointment, the disillusionment, the dark, dark moods. It's good that you can at least identify the triggers to your depression.

At some point, I was also politely asked to remove possibly offending material from the forum. I did so gladly and willingly, never taking it personally, because I try to remain fairly secure in the knowledge that who I am is never inappropriate even though, in certain contexts, what I say or do may be considered inappropriate. It has little to do with me, as a person, and much to do with my not quite yet grasping the explicit or implicit rules of those contexts in which I express myself--this very forum being just one example of such a context.

For various reasons, how we behave can sometimes rub others the wrong way (don't this girl know it!

), and this often leads us to want to throw the towel in and say, "to hell with it all! I don't want to deal with this kind of rejection anymore, especially in a place that's supposed to welcome such a one as me!" But, please, Elle, don't give in to these feelings; your worth and value as a person are in no way diminished by your having to abide by occasional restrictions and rules. Accommodation and compromise are an essential lubricant in any social relations setting, whether at work, with your spouse, or on forums such as this one.

Your post is long but, like Julie, I would've read more if more there was, and, like Beauty, I went to get myself another coffee before continuing to read. And I read it twice. The genuineness and the honesty I see there (both in, and between, the lines) makes me want to know more about you and I fear that whatever happened (you give no details) will make us lose your potentially rich contributions to the forum. Please, Elle, don't let it be so.

Pull back a little if you must, let the anger die down, but come back when you can, Elle. We're all human here, forum rules or no.

Love,
CJ

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Sun Feb 29, 2004 8:55 am

Your post struck several similar chords in me. I am in a depression phase and I think my wife is also - maybe midlife creeping in on us.

Due to a physical condition, I'm usually always in pain. A neurologist has prescribed a mild antidepressant to help with that and I'm seeing if it helps my mood. Doesn't seem to much but I'll wait.

I have been debating therapy - due to my job it might have consequences

Don't give up maybe is a good way to put it. Life has so many possibilities.

Anne

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Mon Mar 01, 2004 8:51 pm

Did I kill the buzz of the thread?

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Mon Mar 01, 2004 9:09 pm

Not at all Anne.

I would have said.. I mean should have said, "I agree with Anne!"

Sorry about that.

You kill a buzz? Noooo!!!

Leave that to a professional like me!

Beauty

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Tue Mar 02, 2004 12:40 am

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Tue Mar 02, 2004 8:23 am

Is that a buzz kill?

Beauty

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Wed Mar 03, 2004 3:22 am

Anne · Post by **Anne** » Wed Mar 03, 2004 7:53 pm

Thanks girls - I needed that

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Wed Mar 03, 2004 8:12 pm

Julie wrote:Come on ladies -- Bee on topic .

I know -- not really that good of a joke but I had to say something.

Love, Julie

I can't believe I laughed at that!

Beauty

Amber(SO) · Post by **Amber(SO)** » Wed Mar 03, 2004 10:52 pm

Elle,
I don't know if you are still reading this, but I hope you are. I recognize every symptom you have. I have alot of experience with psychology, my daughter, my sister, my father and myself. I also have several friends whom I have "diagnosed" before they went to see a counselor/psychiatrist. I don't want to be blunt, but you need to seek counseling. Your "phases" as you call them are classic signs. You may consider medication as a weakness, however if it helps you to feel whole again, why is it weak? Medication is mankind's way of returning the brain to it's regular chemistry. The brain has a way of having too much of one thing and not enough of another. In other words, it's chemically mixed up. This causes emotions to get out of whack. The problem is you are trying to tough it out, but YOU are the one who suffers.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Because of the original problem, your chemicals are out of whack. It's a catch-22. Try to use your intellect and think this through, not your sense of "what a real man does" or your emotions.

I read every word of your post, and it touches me deeply to think how you have suffered for so many years. Don't make your life a living hell. Try to get the support you need. I am sure that if you do, these phases will no longer seem so horrible or your life seem so unsatifying.

I hope I have not offended you. You seem to be a wonderful and itellegent person. Please write to us soon. I know many of us are concerned about you.

Take care, Amber

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Mar 04, 2004 8:46 am

Hi Amber,

You are beautiful person. You post was incredible. It was empathetic, knowledgeable, affectionate, and super kind.

Just incredible!

Also, is that you in that picture?

If so, you're also a looker! :: whistles ::

Krya, I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but you have a GREAT wife. Congrats!!!

I wish you both heaven in your marriage!

Beauty