To the SOs: The matter of appearance

[CJ]

Hi all,

I was reading the new posts in the SOs Section this morning and was struck by a theme running through some of the threads and that is the matter of your appearance or your weight.

Although the current canons of beauty dictate that "thin is in," (hopefully, that's slowly changing) please remember this: your DHs love you and are attracted to you for the person you are, not for the person you wish you were. How can it be otherwise? Your love, your understanding, your oh-so-human struggle to come to grips with who we are, your very womanhood itself, are what draw us to you.

I may be speaking for myself, here (yet I don't think so), but there's little I find as sexy and alluring in my SO as her, admittedly sometimes hard-won, ability to revel in the beauty of her own body, whether she be thin and petite or tall and +size, or any combination of these.

I've been in relationships with the odd SO who was slightly overweight (or slightly thin, for that matter) and it never bothered me so much as when it bothered her. I could only say to her: "I love you just the way you are!" knowing full well that who she was (or what she looked like) was apt to change over time. Still, this never had much impact on her if she, herself, had difficulty loving herself the way she was.

For me (and, I suspect, for most of the DHs out there), women are sexy. And the woman we're with is the sexiest of all. Period. Whenever I'm asked what my "ideal" type of woman is (usually by male friends--yes I do submit to that kind of talk once in a while), I'm always at a bit of a loss for an answer. The truth is, I don't really go walking around looking for an ideal type. The woman of my dreams is the one who thinks of me as the man of her dreams. When the chemistry works, when the sparks fly, when the blood boils, it's always more than a merely physical thing, even though the tingling sensation, the shortness of breath, and the delicious shivers are all physical manifestations of my attraction to a woman--and it's always an attraction to the "package"... her mind, her personality, her body, her heart, her face, her eyes, her everything.

If you think your DH looks somehow better than you do in some of your clothes, just remember that, regardless of the clothes you, yourself, wear, nobody in the whole wide world looks as good as you do to him.

Again, I want to thank you GGs, from the bottom of my heart, for being here with us--even in your own struggles, your companionship matters more than you possibly know.

Love,
CJ

[Oregon (SO)]

Hi CJ,

I loved your post and lucky that girl that gets to be with you. I will tell ya, sadly not every man or crossdresser would have such a glowing review about their SO. I was emailing a new wife on an SO only list I run a while back and she was telling me how her cd husband outright told her that one of the reasons he decided to start dressing again (he self imposed a purge that lasted a few years) was she had gained some weight. Of course in my mind I was thinking, oh my God, how much did this poor woman gain. Guess what she went from a size 7 to a size 12! Oh for shame! Give me a break. She sounded very attactive overall, I mean could not believe that he was giving her hell over about 15 pounds. I only thought, what a freaking a**hole!

So sadly not every guy is coming from the 'it's inside what matters' school of thought. Espically when alot of women are looking at a very sexed up version of their husbands femme self. I know not all cd's dress like a tart, but alot do try to look like they just walked out of a fashion photo shoot.


Also, excuse my bad spelling trying to type with a wiggeling baby in my arms!

i hate to say this, but I actually made a major effort when I was single to only date crossdressers that either took the same size I did or were bigger. Dating someone who was thinner than me just did not work well in my mind. Obviosuly alot of women don't have that choice, but I personally just felt uncomfortable if someone was just too perfect looking next to me. I tried to date one really sweet guy/gal named Trish, and Trish looked amazing dressed. I mean, when we went to the gay bars, he actually had lesbians hitting on him. He looked so natural and yet so strikingly beautiful. I loved that we could go anwhere fairly without hassel, as he was passable perfection...but I kept thinking in my head, oh my God he looks so much better than me. I could not get around that and we stopped dating and just remained friends.

Anyway, I guess in a way that was my safeguard to not running into the 'he looks better than me'! I think sadly in the end that I really am not better than alot of the guys I call jerks. I have a sometimes unrealistic approach to not only my own beauty, but to my partner. I also ruled out dating guys that were just too tall as I knew we would get read easier in a mainstream crowd. Pretty bad in alot of ways. And I feel for the women who have to deal with those feelings I tried so hard to avoid when I was single.

kathy in canada

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Josey,
Thank you for opening up enough to share that post . I am deeply sorry for your loss but I am happy to know that she had the opportunity to have you in her life.

CJ,
I second the notion that you will find one lucky girl someday(and then you'll be two lucky girls).

Kathy,
Yay..I hear you about wiggly babies mommie!

I have also heard many an SO mistakingly take full responsibility for changes in their personal life because of gaining weight and I just try to remind them that this is most likely untrue.

Lefty

[Amber(SO)]

C.J.,
If only the world could see me through your eyes. You have such an idealistic view. It's wonderful and kind.

I have always had weight problems, mainly due to genetics and a sedentary lifestyle. The last three years have added on about 30 pounds due to college, and what I call study-butt. I don't get much time for myself, so exercise is the last thing I have time for. I also have a mother, sisters and aunts who all fight 250 pounds or more. I have never gotten that heavy, but I got over the 200 mark and thats too far. I have gone through anorexia nervosa twice. Once in high school when my boyfriend said I was getting fat, (I was 5 foot 8 and 118 pounds) and once in college just before Kyra and I started dating. In high school I dropped to 92 pounds and college I went to 104. This is far below the ideal 140 to 160 pounds I am supposed to weigh for my height.

Anyway, my point is, I am not happy with the way I look, so I can only imagine what others think of me. I have lost 14 pounds in the last 2 weeks and I don't want to stop until I get to my ideal range. I am not only doing this for my looks, but my health.

Kyra has always been smaller than me, except for when we first started dating. She never complains about my looks, but I do. Women want to look their best for their DHs because they are afraid of what might happen if their DHs lose interest, or are turned off. I don't want to be embarrassed by myself. And being grossly overweight is embarrassing.

So, being the kind loving person that you are CJ, you may see your SO as beautiful inside and out, but they may not see themselves as beautiful.


Affectionately , Amber

[Curly(SO)]

CJ,

Thank you for your kind words, I know what you say is true...Ed says the same things, I just don't know why I have trouble believing it
I even know I'm not overweight, just 14 pounds heavier than I used to be, but like most women I know, I'm convinced I will look and feel better if I lost those pounds.
Weight is a huge and complex issue for many women, and I know I spend far too many hours worrying about, I wish I could switch off from thinking about it so much
Kathy, you are right about some men being a**holes, my ex-husband said to me, shortly after I'd given birth, 'I hope you are not going to get obese' as I hadn't quite got down to pre pregnancy weight! Once I had got back in shape, I left him
How is your wiggly, gorgeous baby doing?! I hope we get to see some more pics!

Curly(SO)

[CJ]

Hi all,

I just wanted to let the SOs know that I replied elsewhere to many of the issues they raise in their own posts here; go to http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... .php?t=753

By the way, Kathy, I want to see some more of Cleo, too. Hope you'll put some pix up soon!

Love,
CJ

Oh, just a little P.S. to Curly: I don't know much about your ex, Curly, but some men can, indeed, be immature and shallow. Perhaps it's best to leave them where you find them. And then put the rock back in place.