i am so confused

[Charon (SO)]

Hi Absaroka
Thanks for your responses i really do appreciate them,after reading your last post i see what you mean about the shame thing.since i have being posting my boyfriend has being trying a bit harder at our sex life so maybe there is some hope for us, at least he is maybe aknowleging that we both need to work on this part of our relationship,i have been reading lots of posts on here so i am at least gaining some knowlegde about crossdressing are there any posts you would recommend i read,i am going to try and find some stuff on the internet about the differences between men and womens thinking aswell i think that is probably part of the problem of understanding each other lucky for me i love reading lol

[Rikki]

good for you guys, Charon.

But that has to be the longest run-on sentence I've ever seen in a post!

all the best,
Rikki

[SilverLady(SO)]

^ Maybe in Britain they use commas instead of periods to end their sentences?,

((Hugs))

- SL

[Charon (SO)]

Thats what happens if you write things in a hurry and don,t read them back properly

[MelodyPerkins]

I'm not a professional and I do not know either of you.

Speaking for myself,...masturbation has nothing to do with how I feel about my wife and does not take the place of our intimacy. It is an act of self pleasure in which I am to only focus,...my feelings, thoughts and fantasies. Were it as simple as that, I would say,...just let him go for it. I think most guys just like to have that release, and enjoy it all by themselves.

However, and this is just a feeling I get,...your boyfriend seems to be more into the sexual role of a female.

I see this interest happening in two ways. The first is the way I am into it. I like to imagine what it is like to be a female and experience sex from the female perspective. In doing so, I get enormous pleasure by creating the most pleasurable sexual experiences for my wife,...and during it,...try to imagine how wonderful it is for her. From that, I am immensely sexually satisfied. While it is a little odd,...it is healthy in that both she and I are getting wonderful sexual pleasure from one another, and we are really in tune with one another. It is sex based on being a couple and connecting with one another.

The other way to feel sexual in the female role is rather than the focus being about how a female feels things,...the focus is on the male anatomy. The focus tends to be all about the penis,...and how a man's penis turns you on,....and all the things you want that penis to do. That, is more of a homosexually based fantasy. For this person, the object of his desires is male anatomy. Cross dressing for a person with sexual fantasies about male anatomy, rather than being a female,...is more about being mentally congruent. In other words, someone who has a homosexual fantasy but still feels ashamed about it, constructs an outward appearance of femininity to justify the homosexual fantasy being appearing female (hence a quasi-heterosexuality). If true, he may not want to discuss it with you, because to do so honestly would be to tell you that he has sexual desires for men.

Given that he his fixed on your vagina, it may be that he has bisexual feelings as well. However, being narrowly focused on certain anatomical parts does mean that he is not truly connecting with YOU as a lover and person,...rather his is focused on the objects of your anatomy. In other words,...he is using you as a sex toy,....a doll or dildo,...but is not connecting with you emotionally, as a woman or human being.

He sounds very immature emotionally and sexually,...and you may just want to step back and see how he handles other emotional situations. Is he easily frustrated, quick to anger? Does he often make disparaging remarks about women, or their body parts,...even in jest. Everyone makes gender based jokes,...but if it is constant,...or if there seems to be a real resentment lying underneath the joke,....then he has emotional issues which need to be addressed.

In any case,....my opinion (that's all it is), is that at best,...you boyfriend does not connect with you as a woman and lover,....he objectifies your anatomy for sexual pleasure. At worst,...he is more attracted to men than women,...but is too ashamed or guilty to confront it honestly.

[Anne Bonny]

Oh boy.... This is an issue, my wife accepts me, but I do not believe she is attracted to my feminine side. Sex is rather rare with us. She is frequently tired or not interested. I feel the initiation of intimacy is all up to me. The excitement has gone out of it for me. I wish she would take the iniative but this is usually just "lets snuggle" meaning sleeping while holding each other. Sometimes in the past I would take the initiative but would be put off, or I would satisfy her only to find she is experiencing dispariunia, so I must pleasure myself. Now I have found it easier to please myself - this is frustrating - I feel we have lost all the excitement we had together in our first years of marriage and am at a loss as to how to recapture the magic. I suppose I have only myself to blame - I sleep enfem 90% of the time. I am not sure how to regain the love and excitement we had for each other. We are committed to our marriage and to each other it is a different kind of love but there is little intimacy. I suppose it is because of who I am, something I cannot help. I wish she was attracted to all of who I am, but I cannot blame her for loving and accepting who I am while not being excited or attracted to me as a "woman." This impasse has developed in our intimacy. I experience much greater pleasure having intimacy when I feel feminine, rarely when I am masculine, and this is not fair to her. In our early years I was masculine in intimacy, but have lost the desire for this. Perhaps I must work on this.... I would not change who I am and cannot but how do I rediscover excitement being the man in the bedroom, even though I am feminine I am still the one who must initiate intimacy. I hope this post is not breaking any rules here on the site but this thread seems to be openly writing about intimacy among the transgendered. My wife is traditional. I suppose it is up to me to rediscover why I was attracted and excited as a man and owe it to my wife to do so. I must understand she is simply not excited or turned on by my feminine side though she does love and accept me as I am. We cannot have it all, though some are lucky enough to have their lovers encourage and cherish their partner even in intimacy be they in masculine or feminie mode and even initiate and take the lead......

[MelodyPerkins]

Oh boy.... This is an issue, my wife accepts me, but I do not believe she is attracted to my feminine side. Sex is rather rare with us. She is frequently tired or not interested. I feel the initiation of intimacy is all up to me. The excitement has gone out of it for me. I wish she would take the initiative but this is usually just "lets snuggle" meaning sleeping while holding each other. Sometimes in the past I would take the initiative but would be put off, or I would satisfy her only to find she is experiencing dispariunia, so I must pleasure myself. Now I have found it easier to please myself - this is frustrating - I feel we have lost all the excitement we had together in our first years of marriage and am at a loss as to how to recapture the magic. I suppose I have only myself to blame - I sleep enfem 90% of the time. I am not sure how to regain the love and excitement we had for each other. We are committed to our marriage and to each other it is a different kind of love but there is little intimacy. I suppose it is because of who I am, something I cannot help. I wish she was attracted to all of who I am, but I cannot blame her for loving and accepting who I am while not being excited or attracted to me as a "woman." This impasse has developed in our intimacy. I experience much greater pleasure having intimacy when I feel feminine, rarely when I am masculine, and this is not fair to her. In our early years I was masculine in intimacy, but have lost the desire for this. Perhaps I must work on this.... I would not change who I am and cannot but how do I rediscover excitement being the man in the bedroom, even though I am feminine I am still the one who must initiate intimacy. I hope this post is not breaking any rules here on the site but this thread seems to be openly writing about intimacy among the transgendered. My wife is traditional. I suppose it is up to me to rediscover why I was attracted and excited as a man and owe it to my wife to do so. I must understand she is simply not excited or turned on by my feminine side though she does love and accept me as I am. We cannot have it all, though some are lucky enough to have their lovers encourage and cherish their partner even in intimacy be they in masculine or feminie mode and even initiate and take the lead......

Anne,

What I have realized in my own marriage is that my wife married a man, and for some reason, she likes that. For the life of me, I can not understand what women see in big, awkward, clumsy men,...who view women as their inferiors,...but there you have it.

I also realize that if I want to maintain my marriage with love and intimacy, then I also have to accept some compromise. I use to be big into Christianity (not so certain anymore), but there are a couple of helpful quotes, which I will paraphrase,... "a man marries as woman and they become one flesh",.... and "you are not your own". While these are taken slightly out of context, the meaning is that you and your wife have become as one, and that your body and hers no longer belong to each of you alone. Hence, you have some responsibility to maintain your body according to joint ownership expectations.

Well,...that's the preachy stuff,...but basically what it means is that I respect that my wife is confused and turned off by the cross dressing, as many women are. She respects (but doesn't understand) that I feel a need or desire to do it. To that end, there are compromises. One of those is that the bedroom becomes a sanctuary of our marriage. After all, my wife married a man,...that's what she wants. If she wanted a woman, she would have found one. Additionally, I only cross dress away from home, so she doesn't see it. Panties are the only thing I wear daily, and while she has seen them,...she's never seen me wearing them.

It does sound like your wife loves you,...otherwise she'd be out of there. But, if you are not feeling the "magic", then she isn't either. My concern is that that magic can easily be found in a little flirtatious danger from someone else.

We all want our SO to be accepting, and even a little intrigued by our cross dressing. After all, we are still the same person,...aren't we. Yet, it is an unfair assumption that we should expect such a high demand upon someone that they should rearrange their sexuality to suit us. So then the question comes down to this,...are you willing to be flexible to her needs? If not,...if this is a true identity issue for you, then is she willing to to be flexible to your needs? In either case, the flexibility must maintain a satisfactory level of love and intimacy between you. It needs to strengthen your marriage,...not cool it down. If neither of you is willing to meet the others needs, then neither of you have enough respect of how the other feels, and you are both hurting one another by remaining together.

Now,...my last bit,...and I apologize for the length. I have written about this before,...but it bares repeating.

Sex for me became boring and predictable. My wife is not "adventuresome". In fact, there is an unwritten script, which can be followed with a stop watch from foreplay to orgasm.

"Sex occurs between the ears, not between the legs" a professor once told us. So,...true!

During sex, there is nothing about me that is feminine. She has with her a man, just as she has always desired. However, during sex, I begin to imagine and fantasize about what it must be like to be her,...having sex with me. What does it feel like?

There are sexual acts which I know she likes quite a bit,....acts which I may not have enjoyed myself so much once. Yet, when using my imagination to think and feel what I believe she feels,...suddenly,...these sex acts become better than I had ever thought possible. Her responses to sex, become cues for my imagination,...to truly become as one flesh,...one mind,...one spirit. My sexual satisfaction comes because my entire focus and state of arousal comes from giving her pleasure and showing her that she is desirable to me.

My wife has a great deal of self esteem issues,...one of those is my cross dressing, in which she feels that she is undesirable to me,...so I make of myself a fake woman. Additionally, she has gain some weight over the years, which makes her feel less desirable.

I think that the reason we still are going strong is because I care about and respect her enough to be flexible. She is also accommodating to my needs. But there has to be give and take.

That I am still passionate and expressive about my love to her, and still find her body sexually arousing,....is very reassuring for her.

I did make the mistake once of telling her how I try to connect with how she feels as a woman during sex. Her reply was, "that's creepy!". So,...keep sex between your ears,....but express yourself passionately.

I wish you the best.

Melody

[MelodyPerkins]

DELETED

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you Melody. I needed advice on this and appreciate your thoughts on this. I will take the time to take it all in and carefully consider and begin to apply it. Anne

[Carly]

Melody,
Thsnks for your post. I find that you're facing the same issues as I am and your insites are a great help to me and i'm sure others as well.