Just need to get this out

[Renee N (SO)]

This is my first attempt at expressing how I feel about my H CDing. I don't really have anyone else to talk to as my family and friends are very conservative.

I'm 24 and found out about a month ago that my husband is CD. Having known each other since 7th grade and having been married for 3 years it came as quite a shock to me when I learned about this part of him. Like many other SO's as first I was confused, uncomfortable, and uncertain about the future when I found out.

Since finding out I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I am excited about finally having someone to go shopping with, while other days I doubt myself and the way I am handling the situation. I want my husband to know that I am interesting in finding out as much as I can about CD but don't know what questions to ask.

Another thing I am struggling with is how it feels to me we are moving very quickly, trying new things almost every day while my husband is a kid in a candy store. How do we balance my feelings and his at the same time? Compromise is easier said than done.

He has been very understanding and has taken my needs and feelings into consideration from the beginning and I feel very grateful for that. We have open conversations each night for about half an hour before we go to bed where we can share anything and ask any questions, again something I am very grateful for. I want to engage more in these conversations but often don't know what to talk about or what questions to ask since I feel very unknowledgeable about the topic.

Also, I find myself censoring myself as I don't want to offend my H or say something hurtful. He told me part of the reason he waited so long to tell me was because he felt I wouldn't understand due to comments I had made in the past about CD. This made me feel terrible.

My H does involve me in every decision before something happens so that I’m not caught off guard. We are taking many baby steps and easing into him being fully dressed. He often asks me for advice which makes me feel like an important part of his CD. If anyone can offer any advice it would be appreciated.

I look forward to learning all I can so that I can be a supportive SO. (Another thing I am struggling with is how to stay true to myself and not give up who I am in order to make my H happy in his CD adventures)

(Finding this site was a blessing. The people here are so much more friendly and insightful than another forum I tried.)

[Erica S]

I am not sure I can advise you, but do be supportive and understanding as you are doing. Is your husband a member here? If not he may wish to join we are a good group and very supportive of our sisters. I think you are a good wife to listen and try your best to understand him. I myself have not told my wife as she has said too much for me to come out to her, she would kick me out. I wish all wives were like you. Anyway I am rambling. Thanks for understanding your husband and just be there for him. Also enjoy the shopping trips when you both go together.

[Virginia]

Hi Renee,

It makes me feel so good when I read posts such as yours, they are actually few and far between. I congratulate you on being open-minded enough to consider what is happening within your relationship. That being said, first, your relationship seems to be built on solid ground in that you both communicate with each other. (I think a lot of us would like to know how you found out/discovered "this other woman in your life?")

The second thing is you hit upon a major motto we have here and that is "baby steps, just baby steps." Actually, based on what you have told us, you have control of the situation and this is not a bad thing. Communicate and you initially set the limits to what you are comfortable with all the way from voice inflections to gestures, to what you are comfortable with "her" wearing, when and how often.

Third, since you are trying to accept this "other woman" in your life, be gentle, don't criticize or belittle. As you pointed out here is, well, actually, a girlfriend to do things with (if you so choose.)

Again, not knowing you or your SO, all I can do is speculate, but some points that you may or may not know. Assuming your SO is somewhere on the "continuum" as a crossdresser, transgender, or transsexual, it is part of him, and "it" ain't gonna go away! Some who have what I fondly refer to as this "gift" choose or are forced to ignore it, suppress it, repress it or are given ultimatums of "either it/she goes or I go!" Those choices when "forced" on the relationship are, needless to say very detrimental and again, needless to say are "accepted" in a multitude of ways, especially if the "non-accepting/injured" spouse throws her hands in the air and "runs screaming into the night!"

The upside of this is as my SO, who is also the forum admin SL, likes to say, "hey, I got the best of both worlds."

Most of us with "this gift" not only seek to emulate what we most admire, ie., women but we seem to have a better understanding of not only what you go through, for example, just to get ready to go out, but your thought process, how you "see" things, how you react to things. We like the "touchy-feely" side, the empathy, the listening, the smiling, all things that are "female." That is in general and not associate with all CD'ers but that too depends on where they may be on "the continuum." Some are content with just limited to full dressing at home to, like myself, dressing and going out among "the great unwashed," Not to fool anyone but that is just what Virginia wants to do and she does. Dining, shopping, movies, concerts, it what girls do and I are one!!!!!

I think you have a keeper - just take your time, make "her" take her time and try and understand where each of you are coming from and you will both enjoy your "Magical Mystery Tour."

Keep us posted and see if your SO would like to join our little sorority.

Love,

Virginia

[Renee N (SO)]

How I found out is sort of a long story that started months ago.

A few months ago I found out that my H was talking with girl online, which I had no problem with at first. However, I learned that they were spending many hours a night talking and I began to feel jealous that he was spending so much time with her. Our schedules are often opposite and don't allow us to spend a lot of time together, so I was frustrated when I would be lucky to see my H for 2 hours a day when this other girl was talking to him for 5-6 hours a night online.

Anyway, I started to think that something was going on between them and confronted him. He showed me a picture of her and explained to me that she was a transsexual who was transitioning into a female. He told me I had nothing to worry about. He said he felt bad and should have told me from the beginning about her. I felt a little better but was still jealous of everything they had in common and the time they were spending together.

Now here comes the lowest point in our relationship, something that I am not proud of at all. I've never had any reason not to trust my H so looking back I realized I didn't go about things the way I should have. I knew that occasionally they texted each other so one day while my H was in the shower I checked his cell phone and was reading the messages they were sending one another. Again, I began to think something was going on right in front of me. We had several discussions about this other girl but I just felt something was off. I told him how horrible I felt for searching his cell phone and for not trusting him.

Then about a month ago, I had another feeling and decided to check his cellphone again. What I found gave me a sinking feeling. I found a text where he told this other girl that "One day he was still hoping to be with her." I freaked out, it felt like I didn't know my H at all. When he got out of the shower I shoved the cellphone at him with the message and told him we needed to talk.

He then told me he was going to tell me everything. I was expecting the worst, that he was cheating and didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me the reason he talked to her so much was because he felt she knew what he was going through. I didn't know what that meant but kept listening. He then told me about how when he was a child he tried on his mothers clothing and told me about his CDing desires. He talked to this other girl online about his feelings and confusion and it was through talking to her that he realized he wasn't a female trapped in a woman's body but simply a crossdresser. He said he was trying to sort things out by talking to her but ended up hurting me in the process by hiding what was going on.

This didn't make me feel any better and I was speechless when he finished his story. I felt a variety of negative emotions but was happy to hear that he wanted to share his CDing with me and only me. (I don't understand the women who would rather have a cheating H than a CDing one.) I was so relieved to hear that he wasn't cheating.

There is more to the story but I think I've covered most of it.

(Just a side note, my H will be joining.)

[CJ]

Hi all,

Welcome to the forum, Renee. In your original post, you wrote: I want to engage more in these conversations but often don't know what to talk about or what questions to ask since I feel very unknowledgeable about the topic.

What to ask will follow from what you talk about. There's some given and take involved here; a time to listen and a time to talk. This is true for both you and your DH. Likely, your own feelings about his crossdressing are right there, just underneath the surface, while his are buried deeply--there's often a tremendous amount of shame that comes with being a crossdresser. Lend him an ear; give hime room to express himself, without judging off-hand. Again, in all likelihood, he may already be judging himself severely--too severely. Then, once you've had a chance to let the things he tells you sink in a little bit, ask him the questions your own heart wants you to. If something bothers you, let him know... but don't make it a point to demolish him. Conversely, he must listen to you, too. More than listen; he must hear you, understand you. And this, both of you will have to try to do. It cannot be done without the comm lines staying open. Sometimes, our anger and pain want to make us shut those lines down. Don't. Keep talking, keep listening.

Your DH might be in a slightly disadvantageous position as he, not you, is the one who introduced this relationship-changing element into your couple. You may feel some sense of betrayal or come to believe that he's been dishonest with you but, Renee, there's a good reason he may have felt the need to hide this: simple fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of your reaction. This fear is poison to the soul. There's no real need to berate him for this. He knows. Still, just because you're the one who's being asked to adjust to this revelation, you ought to set the pace and the rhythm that you feel comfortable with. Yes, once they find acceptance, many crossdressers tend to go a little bit wild for their real selves having been cooped up for so long. This is the infamous "kid in a candy store" syndrome. My suggestion: poll your own feelings frequently during this phase so that you don't come to experience "empathy burnout." Set your limits and make those limits clear to him. At the same time, be open to the possibility of exploring your limits over time. But this above all else: always keep the communications channel with your DH open. And stay true to who you are, just as your DH, by revealing this side of himself to you, is trying--maybe for the first time in his life--to become true to who he is.

May your relationship blossom, Renee. Again, welcome aboard and, by all means, ask your DH to join our big informal family.

Love,
CJ

[Renee N (SO)]

You girls are amazing. Just having someone to talk to about everything that is going on is so helpful.

My H had this weekend off so I told him we would have an adventure. We painted his nails for the first time and I helped him shave some body hair. I am having trouble though when it comes to him wanting to shave his legs and chest. At this point when the makeup and clothing comes off and he transforms back into my H, he is my H. However, if he shaves his legs and chest that isn't something that magically grows back when he's done dressing.

I'm curious to hear other stories about how any of you dealt with this.

Another thing I'm struggling with is how I am so in control of the situation. I don't want it to get to the point that he is afraid to do anything without asking me first. From what I've read most CD want to have time to themselves to CD in private. This is not how it is with my H. I am happy that he involves me in everything and talks openly with me, but I feel that I am holding him back from doing things he wants to do.

[Susan]

Renee

I am lucky in that I have next to no body hair, this means I only have to shave my legs. I have been doing this since I was 13, no not because of my CDing, I was swimming at a national level at that time and everyone in the team shaved. When it became time for me to retire from the swimming (aged 16) I tried to let my leg hairs grow and hated it so off they came and have ever since.

A bit of serendipity perhaps, I have been told from my pictures here that I have nice legs.

Its all in the genes, my 21 yo son is exactly the same as me as regards hirsuteness. I am not saying much about my daughter in this regard other than she is completely normal.

Best wishes

[CharLee]

Renee,

If I might, why is it that women drool over " Hunks " in the movies and on TV who are hairless, but object to their SO's or husbands shaving off their hair. Is it the man you love, or the hair on his body ? It's just hair.
Take it one step further, if your H is like me and likes you with long hair and you decide to cut it, does he say to you "Don't cut it because then you are not the same person I am attracted to ". Of course he doesn't.
It's the person not the hair, not the looks, not any of the trivial things. If the relationship is strong you have to get over this quirk that all you women seem to have.

Sorry for being so brutally honest, but that is how I feel.


CharLee

[KimberlyS]

Renee, IMHO the best thing you and your husband can do is to have open and honest communication between the both of you. And it sould like you are off to a good start. Tell your husband your fears and other things you have told us. And hopefully he can be open and honest with you also.

I am just find out now that after 21 years my wife could not be honest and open with me about my CDing and how she felt about it. And I have tried talking to her about it but it was never something she wanted to say much about. And it is causing us some big issues right now. And I think if we would have had some of these issues in the open long ago and talked about them they would not be the large issues they are. As I am finding out my wifes perception of my CDing and needs is a lot different than mine. Many of my wifes perceptions go back to when I was still trying to figure out who I was as a CDer. Then add in some information from here who knows what she is thinking. I just wish she would talk to me about it.

So please talk to your husband. He may not know all of the answers now. And some of his answers may change. But if you both can keep the communication open about it than it should just be another part of your relationship.

[Stef L]

I met my future wife and was shaved to dress. As far as I know, she had no problem with it. Actually, our bodies together feel terrific for us both. As with any man, person, I suppose there is always that need for alone time. Maybe your husband is very happy that there is someone, namely you, that he can be open with and is willing to and estasic(sic) that he has someone to share this with. You are a wonderful person to be so receptive to her. Looking foward to hearing from both of you, Stef

[Absaroka]

I have to disagree with Char Lee about this. Maybe of course it turns out to be fine that your husband shaves his body hair, each couple has their own dynamics. But it is wrong to put the onus on only you to change, both of you must adapt.

Personally I think the whole body hair thing is pretty funny. I have a daughter in college who has decided that shaving her legs is submitting to the materialistic patriarchy and no longer does it, which is fine with me. I've also got women friends who don't shave under their arms. So there hairless feminine is just an arbitrary thing.

In that same vein however, your husband may need to be asked that if it's okay for him to shave his body hair, would it be okay for you not to shave yours? And if your answer is that it's your hair and if you decide not to shave it then it's none of his damn business, then of course the same applies to him. On the other hand if he would be really upset with you not shaving, then he needs to respect your feelings in this area as well.

Zari

[DoryLinn]

moving very quickly, trying new things almost every day

This sounds like a classic case of the pink fog to me

It happened to me when I told my wife. She seemed accepting at first but the fog was too thick and overwhelmed us.

It was like a big zit that finally popped after years and years of hiding and isolation.

Like many here say, Baby steps.

Don't stop communicating. I don't know if my wife is o.k. with something unless she tells me.

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

you sound cool reneee. sounds like you two are doing pretty good. i think its bad he was secretive and you thought he was cheating.
I agree anyone who prefers a cheater to a crossdresser is a bigoted nutcase.
don't take this the wrong way but may i ask what did you say about CDers that made him worry?

[Ralitsa]

Hi Renee,
I would just mention one thing. There are a million reasons that couples have problems about, CDing is only one of them. But it seems like it's often the one that gets the blame, when really there is some other problem that nobody wants to admit to. Well, I think you're too early in you marriage for this to be the case (as if I know anything about your marriage ). But the thing to keep in mind is this, "either you get through it or you don't". You only get through it if you really want to, and you both have to really want to. I would recommend that you not be afraid to ask questions, but also understand that he might be afraid to answer them. So you might need to ask the question quite a few times before you get the real answer. Remember that just as you're worried about making him uncomfortable by asking too many questions, he is worried about making you uncomfortable by giving you too much information. And you need to be realistic about yourself, you might want to know something, but you may also not be ready to deal with it and might be better of not knowing just yet.
And since your husband has only recently admitted it to you, he may not even know most of the answers himself yet. This is something you need to figure out as you go, just don't panic and do something stupid. It's perfectly understandable that you were upset that he was sharing this part of his life with somebody other than you, it was wrong for him to do that. But I hope you don't think that it's unacceptable for him to ever make a mistake, because by extension it would then be unacceptable for you to ever make a mistake also. So give him a good spanking for it and then get on with life (you can use a belt if you want, and you might need to tie him up so he can't get away). Somehow you guys are going to have to work out the rules, what can be done and what can't. But I will warn you, don't ever make threats about the fatal "D" word or it will happen sure enough. Marrying somebody means that you totally rearrange your life, this is only one of very many issues that you two will have to get through. So don't let it become the scapegoat for not dealing with all the other problems in life.
That's my 2 cents, and with inflation it's only worth 0.003 cents.

[Davita]

Hi Renee, good you're using your new found resource. I told Ro, the better half, 36ish years ago. It took us some counseling to get her to tell me she almost left me way back when I had come out to her.

Let me sum it all up to you with one of my web pages - http://davita-farley.webs.com/reference/require.html I think if you guys practice what's on this page, you should be able to get comfortable with it all.