THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[SilverLady(SO)]

Ah, yes, April, I remember those days very well!


* * * * * * * * * *

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!

[April]

That's a good one SL. It reminded me of this one.

---

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.

As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Old people know how to get you.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Ditto, April, and thanks for the laughs! And now for an exercise program that is sure to put you on the right track to compete against Virginia and myself in the powerlifting world:



BENCH PRESS EXERCISE PROGRAM FOR THOSE OVER 40


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 pound potato bags.

Then try 50 pound potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.



Hugs, everyone!

- SL

[Carol Elizabeth]

Has anyone tried the new Wrangler bra?

It doesn’t kris-cross you heart but –

It is supposed to head them up and moves them out.

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sorry

CE

[Carolynn]

Yep, that is an oldie Carol Elizabeth. The incarnation of the joke in my youth centered around a television western, called "Rawhide". At the begining of the program, the trail boss Gil Favor would call out the the waiting cowboys,

"Move 'em up-----Head 'em out!!!" so of course the bra was referred to as the "Rawhide bra."

The show ended after Eric Flemming (who played the trail boss) was drowned in the Amazon River while starring in a projected movie. The show is also known for introducing the character of Rowdy Yates, played by a much younger Clint Eastwood. The kind of squinty eyed semi hero he has usually played since was set already by then.

Remember Carol Ann? I think you may be one of the few on the forum who might recall that. Older than dirt, that's us.

In the late thirties, it was the "Roundup Bra", for the bra Howard Hughes designed (as an engineer and boy friend) for actress Jane Russell who needed something like an E cup.

[April]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. What do they say, the priest inquired. They say, Hi we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? That's obscene the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time. Thank you the woman responded. This may very well be the solution. The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun? There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed: Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

[DonnaT]

[April]

Thanks Donna

---

After getting Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

Excuse me, Your Holiness, says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

'What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, The Pope floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.) 127 mph for those wondering.

'Please slow down, your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. ‘So bust him,' says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: Bigger.'
Chief: A senator?'
Cop: Bigger.'
Chief: The Prime Minister?'
Cop: Bigger.'

Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: His chauffeur is the Pope!

[April]

The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go
on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together
they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't
you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off
when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace
and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

[April]

Free Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' Card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the Shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[April]

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.

[April]

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f...... candle.'

[SilverLady(SO)]

[April]

Thanks, SL

---

Saying Prayers

Putting his three year old daughter to bed, her dad told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The dad asked, "Why did you say Goodbye grandpa, Sweetheart?"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The dad thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the dad was putting the little girl to bed and listened to her prayers. They went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Oh my God," thought the father to himself, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the little girl was going to bed the dad, heard her prayers and this time she said: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

Practically in a state of shock, the dad couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "You've never worked this late before! What on earth is the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it! I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[April]

The Male Genitals Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the &*&(&%$ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!