THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[SilverLady(SO)]

Saying Prayers - - Absolutely hilarious! ". . . Goodbye Mommy!" is next, eh?!?

The poem is sad but true, or so I've heard . . . but not in our home!

((Hugs))

- SL

[April]

Thanks, SL. You’re way to kind.

---

Today's Groaner



It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

[SilverLady(SO)]

April, you are absolutely correct!!

(Hugs)

- SL

[April]

Thanks SL (hugs)

---

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Pat]

April, very funny.

[April]

Thanks Pat

---

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat."

[April]

Problem Solving

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

[Pat]

April, Your solution has one problem - There will allot of Obese alligators in your moat

[April]

Pat, personally I do not see that as a problem.

---

Problem Solving II

Think about these:

Cows:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow?

The Constitution:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq? Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore?

The 10 Commandments:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Also, think about this: If you don't want to other to see this for fear of offending someone-- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!??

[Carolynn]

When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?"

this 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating .......


"Yes , but....I had to get there before I forgot where I was going".

sounds logical to me!

[Carolynn]

If stereotyping offends, do not read this:


A man was drinking a beer in a bar with his friends, and said,

"I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first check Friday. Damn, this is a great country."

[April]

Carolynn give it enough time both will actually happen

---

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to her and said, 'Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today.'

After a few minutes, she returned and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.

'Oh,' she said, 'on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together.'

So when we get Jesus back where he belongs our country will come together.

[Carolynn]

•Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender grins and says, "Heeeey! We got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says,
◦"You got a drink named, 'Larry?'"

•What is the relationship between a pumpkin's circumference and its diameter?
◦Pumpkin pi.

•Where does the King keep his armies?
◦In his sleevies.

•How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
◦Fish.

•*** Speaking of fish, what do you call a fish with no eyes?
◦Fsh.

•Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other,
◦"I'll handle the guns, you drive."

•What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
◦A stick.

•A doctor, lawyer, and physicist are sitting at a bar.
"Years ago", says the doctor, "everybody had a mistress, but you just can’t behave the same way nowadays. The diseases you can get... it’s just terrible."

"You’re right", puts in the lawyer, "and then, if your wife finds out you have a mistress, she sues you and takes everything you have and you never see your kids again. It’s just not worth it."

◦"Oh, you guys are missing the point," says the physicist, "The great thing about mistresses is... if you’re not with your wife she thinks you’re with your mistress and if you’re not with your mistress she thinks you’re with your wife. And all that extra time... you can be spending at the lab!"

•Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
◦To get to the same side.

•What does a Quantum Zombie want?
◦BRANES!

•How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
◦Two. One to change the bulb, and one to not change the bulb.

•What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
◦Kinky is when you use the feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

•So, there's a pub what holds an infinite number of mathematicians so it can be the site of a joke that geeks find hilarious. What's it look like?
◦A blue police call box, duh!

•Why doesn't Julius Caesar ever answer his cell phone?
◦Because he's DEAD, Jim!

•Ya know the way geese fly in a "V" formation, and one side is always longer than the other... know why that is?
◦There's more geese on that side.

•Mickey Mouse is in divorce court and the judge says, "You said you want to divorce your wife because she's insane?"
◦"No," says Mickey, "I said I want to divorce her because she's bubbles Goofy!"

•How many 18-year olds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
◦Just two, but you need a pretty big lightbulb.

•Today, I changed a lightbulb, then I crossed a road, then I walked into a bar... and I realized...
◦My life is a joke.

•They say that celebrities die in threes... Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson...
◦Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in the fourth for free.

•I stared at the baseball, and I could swear that it was getting bigger...
◦... and then it hit me.

•*** How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper?
◦Same way you get to Wales in any other car: You get on the M4 and go across the Severn Bridge.

[Kyra]

Yep...I agree, those were all Bbaaaaaaaaaaaadd!

[Kyra]

Oldie, but... well, it's an oldie.



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly
said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador
Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the
dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the
room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat
jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook
its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I
said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."