This is Jackryder talking, not Tiana

[Tiana]

Jackryder and Tiana, they are 2, but one.

Hi everyone, thank for reading this post... I really feel depressed and stressed to day.

It all happen about 1 week ago. I was feeling so depressed and lonely, and i lost my faith in God, too. Dont know what to do and so tired of feeling like this, i go to sleep, asking myself some question, and finally decided "Heck, I will tell my friend". And so i put it on facebook last week, everything was perfectly working. My friend know that, and ofcourse, they dont support me, but they are not against me neither.
On Wednesday (yesterday), i decided im gonna wear a bra to school. So in the morning, i put a bra and a camisole under my school uniform. Put a fennel on to hide it, i go to school. Yes, guess what? The boy look at me, know that im wearing one, they didnt say anything, but they were being really nice. During PE period, at my school, we have to change out, they let me take the room and let me change (a guy was taking it and other boy yell at him to get out and let me in lol). The girls were nice, they were telling me to listen to Justin Bieber music and of course, i did that too. I was feeling really happen, until today. A terrible thing happened to me.
Like every normal day, i go through history, math, bible, science, computer, pe, english then elective. But today, in PE, my PE teacher ask me: "Are you a crossdresser?" And of course, i lied to them with a confused face "No, why?" And she told me "The 6th grader asked me what a crossdresser is, I asked them why and she told me that the 8th grader was talking about Jack (me) is a crossdresser. So i want to know." And ofcourse, i lied to my teacher again, but now instead with a confused one, i give them a laughing face "Oh!!! That joke, it was a joke!!! I put it on facebook, dont believe that rumor." And she told me "Yeah, i thought so, so let me confirm with the class that you are not one and end the rumor." So she told the class that im not one, but ofcourse, i smiled at them, they know that i am one, and they accept me.
But that not why im really depressed and stressed today. Tiana side is hurting, not just hurting, it is damaged. Today is my second day wearing a bra to school. After the PE period, i go to English, and then my elective yearbook. In here, i saw the 6th grader (there are only 3 of them in 6th grade and 2 of them already absence). I know for sure that this girl, she was the one to ask the teacher what a crossdresser is. So i sit down on the table, take out a piece of paper, write "Hey, (her name here) were you the one who ask Mrs. (the teacher name) what a crossdresser is. Surprised me, she didnt answer, she ask the yearbook teacher if she can go and get her binder, then she go and she come back. And she leave early because she have a volleyball game. Later in the class, the 6th grade teacher come in, ask me: "Were you the one to write this note?" I said "yes", she look at me with her mean face "Do you think it is appropriate??? Next time you do this, you will receive a citation." and she walk out. And guess how was me??? I was shocked, this is the second time in the day that the teacher talk to me about crossdressing, and more than that, they gave me a name on a board (so i will lost my reward for this quarter). I was feeling really shocked and stressed, why do they have to do that??? What did i do wrong, and there was something that even shocked me more than the warning: "I didn't know crossdresser was a bad word."
I am a Vietnamese, I lived in Vietnam for 12 years before i go to the U.S. I just move to the U.S for a year and a half, i dont know much English, and i dont know much of the bad word, neither. There was a joke that my dad keep telling me when he remind me to study English: "An old man doesnt know any English was driving a car, he crashed into another the car, the Americian say F u and the old man said thank you!!!" He remind me that joke to make me study English, and to know if some one curse me or say bad thing about me (im not making this as an offensive joke). So of course, i just know some basic swear word like the f one, s one and some other easy one. I have never thought in my life that "crossdresser" is a bad word. I was shocked, really really shocked, "crossdresser" is a bad word??? Is that true??? Then, I am a crossdresser, and now people saying it a bad word??? It make me really sad to know that.
...
So why do my teacher have to tell me that??? It make me feel like there was a dagger stabbing in my heart. It is really windy in here (California) and it was hot and cold at the sametime - i was sick. I was aiming for the "100% participate" reward at the end of the year so i didnt stay at home, but now, the teacher say that to me when i was sick, which really shock me, make me even sicker. It was almost the time to go home, only 5 minutes left. I sit on the chair, look into the computer screen, my body was freezing on the outside and hot in the inside, i cant even say a thing, my throat was stuck. All i can feel was the feeling of hatred, sadness and loneliness. I just sit there, for 5 minutes, then go out, take my backpack and go home.
...
But why do people have to treat me like that??? What is wrong with this world??? Why cant boy wear what girl wear but girl can??? A girl wear boy cloth is ok but a boy wear girl cloth is a crossdresser. What is wrong with this word??? What is wrong with the word crossdresser? It basically mean a person wear the opposite gender cloth. It doesnt have any sexual meaning, i dont get it, it not even a swear word, how can it be a bad word??? Why??? WHY??? I dont get it!!!! it is really sad to know that it is a bad word. But why??? why???
...
This thing apply to gay, lesbian, and other word like that too, this world is just so wrong, these people should receive the same love as other people. I go to a Christian Private school, my dad pay $5000 a year just to let me study in here. Everyday, the teacher teach us to love God, and love your neighbor as you love yourselves. But look, even the teacher just do it wrong, they did not treat crossdresser the same way they treat themselves!!! Crossdresser DID NOT receive any love from other at all!!! It is just weird!! WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD!!! I can't accept it, the teacher teach but cant do what they teach. People like us always suffer from the need of love, friend, and almost everything. Why must there is a border between a boy and a girl? They end up needing both to born a children anyway!!! People encourage girl to do many many boyish stuff and leave the man out, end up having a community where girl can do anything while boy can only do boy thing. This society is just so wrong, i cant accept it. If you are a Christian, base on what God said, didnt He told you to love other as you love yourselves? Oh dear, I dont think many of us do that, look, LGBT suffer from the lack of love. If you are a Buddist, He told you to go around and help other people. Im not sure if many of them do that or not i dont have many buddist friend, and none of them know so i dont know. Why is there a border after all? There are more thing about religion but im not going to say it out. Dont you agree with me???
I am just really shock when i type this. I am the only one, the only one in my school that is a crossdresser. All of my friend were normal. And because of this, i began to suspect some of my friend that they were information leaker, which give us a big discussion (but it is because i put it on facebook, im ok with it). And because of this, i know who i can trust and who i should not trust. I put some of my friend on my close friend list and remove some of the close friend on the list down to the should-not-trust list. I wont say their name out because it will be rude. I just want you to think about this, this society is so wrong, isnt it?
At school today, at lunch time, i did it my lunch, but it wasnt delicous like normal at all. And this lunch, i sit separate from other friend, i wish there was a gay or lesbian friend sit next to me. But i was wrong, i was alone... i decided that I should sit next to the boys at first, then i thought im not a boy so i thought i should sit with the girl, but then i thought im not a fully girl yet so i will just sit alone. Now I really wish that i can move school,... I hate my school, it is a small one, only about less than 150 students (the biggest class is my class and only have 16 people). I want to move to a public school, and im gonna ask my dad, tonight... I want to break free...
That is it... Im tired, Tiana is shocking, Jackryder is sick - the body need some rest.
Please reply to the post. I need some help, i dont know what to do now

[Anita]

Tiana, "crossdresser" is not considered a 'bad' word, and it isn't considered a sexual word, either. But it is considered "not right" to be seen crossdressing when you are attending school.

A Christian school would have more problems with it than a public school would. It may not be right, but schools do not like boys wearing girl's clothing to school, as you found out. This also applies to public schools, though.

They can enforce dress codes like that one, by sending you home, making you change, or whatever else they decide. I know that girls wear men's clothing with no problem, but it doesn't work the other way around.

I am sorry you're hurting from the day's experiences.

This is very hard to write about in an understandable way, and I hope others can join in.

[Carolynn]

Tiana, you seem to be having so many crisis at once that it is hard to do much more than listen to you. I don't recall if you told us your age, so it is kinda hard to know what to tell you from that standpoint as well. So what I will do is tell you about one of my own crisis when I was in the 11-12 age range, OK?

My parents belonged to a Southern Baptist church, a protestant church. We went to Sunday school at least, and usually to church. My Dad didn't like to stay for the church services, and I wanted to go home when he did, but often I was made to stay. it was boring to me. As I got older, and my emotions woke up more, I found I was affected by the music sang at the end of services, with a feeling of melancholy and a desire to walk to the front of the congregation to be "saved", and then Baptised. I resisted but was often in tears, and finally one Sunday, I did walk before the preacher. In a few Sundays, I was Baptised and made a full member of the church. I felt kinda pround at the time.

About a year later, a woman who's husband had divorced her and left her with their three kids while he went off and married another woman, moved to town. She was renting a house from a deacon of the Baptist church. Now these people are supposed to be a, supposedly, settled and staunch members of the church, and live as good lives as possible and be above base emotions. Well, I was friends with the eldest of this woman's children, and we were doing homework together and studying for a spelling test the next day. The door to the kids bedroom was open to the living room and this deacon who was also the landlord came and knocked on the door. When she opened it I guess she expected that he had something to say about the house or something. But what he did, in view of her kids and me, was proposition her, offering her reduced rent for sexual favors. I was shocked and did not know what to do. She turned him down and he left in no good humor, and just two days later, his wife (who he had told that my friends mother had propositioned him) arrived with her friends from two churches, and they moved her and her children out. They put them on the sidewalk in a neighboring town, at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. They didn't even have time to find a place to live in the same town or the new one, they just kicked them out of town.

I was very shocked over that whole affair as I knew the truth. I had no respect for the deacon nor for his wife and her friends that participated in driving her and her kids out of town. I began seeing the differences in what was presented in church services, and how we were told to behave, and comparing the behavior of the adults to what we were told. I saw a different deacon buy liquor in a neighboring town, more than just one bottle too, and that was after a sermon where we were told of the evils of drink. Then I had a major crisis in faith and stopped attending services, since I saw them as hypocrites. So that put an end to my belief in organized religion.

Before that, I used to pray that Jesus or God would fix me, one way or the other, and often woke feeling betrayed, and finally quit praying.

I had earlier thought to tell the preacher and ask his advise (as he always told us kids we could talk to him about anything), about my feeling like I was a girl not a boy, but I didn't and then counted myself lucky as I think it would have been the wrong thing for me to do.

I tried to confide in my mother, and got a lecture that was religious based and very hurtful, so that avenue was out. My school teachers did not include any counselors, so that route was out. So I lived in secret misery for most of my upper levels or high school as I tried to hide who I was.

So see, you are not entirely alone. We all share some things, though some other things are different, specific just for ourselves. I don't have any real answers for you, as the way you have posed your laments don't really lend themselves to anwering. Just know you are not, nor have you been, alone in these feelings.

I know it might be hard for you, but when you ask your dad about changing schools, perhaps you could ask him about a counselor for you because you are confused about some things in life. Then talk to the counselor.

Persevere Tiana, cause as you get older and away from highschool, it gets better with more independence.
Carolynn

[Tiana]

im 13, if you want to know. Im going to high school next year, and i know for sure that im going to public school. But here is the hard thing for me, i dont want to leave the school, it is fine for me, i just dont want any more question about it... im sick of being asking by teacher. Yeah right, they call themselves teacher, i call them "people who think they are smarter than us". I know that some of them are really nice. In fact, I like 2 of my teachers. Maybe 3 but the last teacher asked me about Crossdressing so i am putting a guard on her. I willl edit or upload new reply, my dad is at home, thank for reply

[Caith]

Tiana, I'm going to offer you my personal, individual perspective on having faith in God. Hopefully, it may provide you greater insight and relieve some of your stress. [Mods: if you believe the religious component of this post is too controversial, please feel free to move the post and notify me. Thank you.]

First, I was raised in a strictly French Roman Catholic family in Louisiana in the early 1960s and 1970s. I knew at age seven I was different, but my family was horrified. I quickly learned to hide who I was, lest I be shunned by my own mother and brothers.

Second, it was not until after age thirty that I finally accepted who I was, a cross-dresser first, and a transgendered person second. I did this by rejecting and throwing away years of repression and guilt placed upon me by my family, particularly by my mother.

Third, as I began to appreciate myself and learn to accept and love who I was, I realized that (for me, anyway) God resides in me and enables all the good things that I do. This critically differs from most traditional Christian teaching, which always insists we are less than God, and can never come anywhere close to his beauty and wisdom.

Think about this, why does the Christian faith deny us the possibility of God-like existence? There is quite a beautiful concept in the Jewish faith, that of b’tzelem elohim, or created in God's image. Below is a quote from a Greensboro, NC synagogue, welcoming everyone:

Gay or straight; man or woman; black or white; rich or poor — all are created in God’s image — in Hebrew, b’tzelem elohim. Being created b’tzelem elohim carries with it both responsibilities and privileges. As God’s children, descended from ultimate royalty, we need to conduct ourselves with highest standards of interpersonal morality, kindness and compassion for others. Towards others, also bearing God’s image, we are required to act in a way that reflects the dignity befitting another child of God, our spiritual sister or brother. Being a religious person means that we must recognize, and act upon, the Godliness in ourselves, and in each other.

I'm neither Catholic nor Jewish, but I'm not agnostic or atheistic either. I am a spiritual person who very strongly believes God lives within me and works through me, performing acts of love and grace. Believing this way means I can never lose my faith, because no one can take away something you believe and live every day. The Jewish concept presented above is so simple and so beautiful, I find it very difficult to disagree in any way.

[Absaroka]

Tiana/Jack there is so much going on that it is hard to know what to respond to. This is a difficult situation to begin with, complicated by language problems.

To begin with, although being transgender is not about sex, crossdressing is often a fetish and as such is often about sex. To say you are a crossdresser leaves many questions unanswered. Do you wear a bra because you feel you are a woman or girl? Many girls get excited about needing to wear a bra as a sign of becoming a woman. But a great many grown women (my wife for one) would say why in the world would you wear a bra if you were blessed with breasts small enough not to need them. Another reason for a man to wear a bra IS that he finds it sexually stimulating. So when you talk about being a crossdresser, some teachers will feel it should be determined are you transgendered or just playing sexual games in school. It's not something we talk about much at this forum, but there is a reason why it was neccesary to make rules at this forum about no porn, no sexual solicitation, no graphic sexual conversation, and so on.

I'd say that having your male friends stick up for you and try to be helpful to you is really wonderful. Many do not have that experience and their kindness is something to be remembered.

As for church, Christians (and members of any other religion) are as imperfect as any one else.

American society as a whole is in a period of transition about sex, sexuality, and sexuality as it relates to children and adolescents. Although you were merely trying to sort something out, the girl you wrote the note to may have felt threatened. You don't know what life has held for her, what her experiences have been.

I doubt that you are the only crossdresser in your school. Statistically speaking there are likely other boys who like to wear womens clothing. You're merely the only one who is out. Statistically speaking in your school there are also a number of chileren who have been sexually abused. This experience may have left them very aprehenisve about a variety of things.

I guess my suggestion to you is to choose your battles wisely. Perhaps it is important to you to let folks know you are transgendered. If so you will likely need allies. It sounds like you have support among some of the students, you will perhaps want to talk to one of the teachers at length about what else to do. On the other hand if you are merely a crossdresser this may be a battle you wish to withdraw from for the moment.

My experience is very different from that of people like Carolynn. Carolynn, if I may speak for her (please correct me if I am wrong) is a woman who found herself in a mans body. I am a man who likes to wear womens clothing. I am a crossdresser. My clothing defies cultural norms for my gender. Carolynn had the far more profound and difficult experience of wearing the clothes that culture said were right for her gender but having a body that defied cultural expectations for her gender, and having people say seeing is believing, you have a mans body so you must be a man.

Figuring out where you are in all of this will not be easy. Keep coming back here, I hope we can be of help.

[DonnaT]

Tiana, I don't think going to a public school will be any different. Sure, it could be better, but it may be worse.

Seems, where you are now, at least you have other students around you that haven't turned against you.

Remove any reference to crossdressing from your facebook pages. Facebook isn't as secure a site as they would have you believe. What you put online, it's out there and can be used against you.

We come into this world naked. Clothes are the invention of man. As such, it is man's, and only man's, hang-up and rules regarding who wears what.

Accordingly, many do not understand why the rules man set up about who wears what can't be followed. And if man can't understand something, they can come to fear it. Fear can lead to hate and/or violence.

On February 12, 2008, a 14 yr old boy shot a 15 yr old boy, in a California classroom, because the other boy was transgender and gay.

I'm not going to suggest you not tell anyone. That's your choice. Nothing wrong with accepting yourself for who you are.

You've found out that a number of your fellow students don't care. At least at their current age.

However, you also found out that there are some who do not respond favorably. And that there can be consequences.

What ever your choice, be ready to stand up for what you believe.

Crossdressing is not a bad word, and is not harmful to others.

[Tiana]

Donna T, i am not moving anymore, i changed my mind, today is a little better.
To Absaroka, I am different than you, i feel like, yes, i am sure that i feel like im a real girl stuck in this boy body, and i will show the world how and who I am. Im not afraid, for I know that my friend will not against me. Im not going to withdraw, I will only pick between 2 choices: Going until I die, or stand back and stuck in this body forever.
To Caith, it is nice that you believe in God. Because I lost my faith. I describe myself as a deism now (a person believe that God did made the world but He did not take care for it). And i dont know if it will surprise you, my dad is Buddhism, my mom is Buddhism, grandmom is buddhism, grandpa is evolutionist, uncle is Christian, aunt is Catholic, other doesnt believe in anything or doesnt care at all. But we have fun time together, we rarely talk about religion, most of the time we just discuss about what should we do right now. And thank, I love who I am - as a girl. I like the way i am, how i dressed, in both boy and girl cloth, it just so much fun to explore my feeling, my emotion as different time and different gender.

So back to the topic of how i feel:

I have feeling better now, the teacher that give me a warning smile at me this morning - it look like nothing happened. Everything back to normal, and of course, i keep wearing a bra to school and no one need to know about it. My friends are cool, i asked them once, "what will they do if i told them i was gay" and they told me: "We dont care, guy are cool, they dont mind about these thing". --> it give me courage to tell them im a crossdresser. I have removed all the post about crossdressing on facebook. My friend still talk to me, but i still have a funny feeling that some of the boy hate me.
At lunch time, this is the second time i feel apart. I still wonder where should i sit, I was sitting on the table, alone, and no one come to sit next to me. I planned to move to a group - the boy or the girl - but im afraid to move. The boys changed their view about me, they are now think me as crazy instead of a girl, and the girl, i dont know about them, i guess they are okay with me neither. I still feel lonely, but best of all, I am happy that i told my friend about who I am. Thank to everyone, you encouraged me alot

[Absaroka]

Tiana I'm glad your are feeling better about this.

Also thanks for clarifying that you do in fact feel that you are female in a male body.

Lots of folks here have been through that journey. I hope they will be able to guide you through a confusing time.

It might be good to talk to someone in your school more formally to let them know where you are at with all this.

Good luck and please keep posting.

[Tiana]

I still have some question that need to ask, but that is for transgender section, thank for response I will make a post on the ask transgender section. Thank ^.^

[Absaroka]

Tiana as you have no doubt noticed there are several people here who have either partly or completely transitioned from male to female. They have a lot of wisdom among them and I hope they can be of help. Also maybe some of them can point you towards finding F2F resources.

Keep posting

[Azurielle]

Yeah, bigots can be pretty blunt at times.

L've had a similar issue with people on the intramural sports team, and I find that the most successful approach so far is to overwhelm them with their own question.
When asked ''Are you a crossdresser or something?'' I usually overplay it and go ''But of course! I've been wearing pants all effing year long! I mean seriously, my crotch is basically gasping for air right now! I know we're all about tears, sweat and blood, but you guys are probably the most masochistic bunch out there wearing these things all year long.''
Oh and remember to add overdramatic arm waving. It usually leave people going ''uuuuuunh, okay?'' approximately 95% of the time. The other five percent they usually just ask the question again, to which one should reply just as comically.
I mean honestly, who can look me in the eye and deny that they love frilly, fluttery skirts? Really.

Anyhoo, thats how I deal with it, but I guess its not for everyone.

Also, kudos for tackling this so early, I though I was one of the youngest regulars who wandered in here.