My dilemma

[CharLee]

Hi ladies,

I hope you will bare with me and let me vent my frustration of what I should do. As most of you who know me, and how I feel about being a woman, or at least living as one, know that i have a problem many of us face. For employment and my wifes' sake I can not and this has caused me a great deal of heartache.

My being en femme is more than just the wearing of the clothes, although they are a major reason, but it goes beyond the clothes. When I am en femme I am more relaxed and at ease, more socialble, I feel right and natural. My breast forms are not a foreign object that I put in my bra but become an intracle part of my body, something that should always be there. My legs encased in my stockings with my girdle holding them in place makes me feel so feminine. I love the way my legs look when I wear my stockings, love the smooth feel.

When I am dressed and look in the mirror I see the woman that I feel I should have always been and want to stay that way forever. As a woman I take better care of myself and my appearance. I make sure everything I have on looks right and is appropriate for my age, from my wigs to my make up. But as a man I could care less.

Now my problem is that my need and desire to be a woman is getting stronger and stronger everyday and my need to be dress does the same. Unfortunately for me my wife won't allow this to happen on a daily basis and we can't seem to agree on a compromise that we both can live with. Although she does not try and stop me from dressing she just doesn't want me to be dressed at home when she is there.

This has all come about since I told her that I would rather be a woman than a man. Before that she was alright with me being dressed at home. I can understand her feelings about this revelation and not wanting a housemate but a husband but I cannot help the way I feel.

For the most part I am in male mode 90% of the time for her sake, but it drives me crazy because I would rather be in a skirt and heels than just a shirt and pants. I love the diversity of my womans' clothing from the different style, materials, choice of a skirt or dress to jeans and a top and how wearing them makes me feel.

I just want to be " CharLee " as much as I can ( and 24/7 would be ideal) for that is who I truly feel I should be but it looks like that isn't in the cards right now. I can only hope that her attitude will change some time and my " dilemma " will be over.

Thank you all for letting me vent and bend your ears

[DonnaT]

I can't profess to know how most TS women feel regarding the clothes they wear, but most that I correspond with don't respond to the clothing in the way you articulate.

Sure, they wear women's clothing because they are women, but many find that pants and some nondiscript top are quite sufficient, like many 'women raised as women' do. And without the need for makeup.

So here's my question to you, do you have to wear skirts/dresses and heels or can you wear casual wear like many women do today and still feel like Charlee?

Maybe with all the usual underpinnings as you'd wear with a dress but with pants and a casual top, no makeup?

If so, do you think your would wife react better to your wearing such casual wear?

[Carolynn]

Hi Donna and CharLee. In talking to many of our support group people, and observing them in their early stages, there is an evolution in their attitude toward (evolution in terms of changes, not in terms of advancement into more complex or less complex).

Like many who consider themselves CDers, in the early years of trying to cope with the feelings they have, the pre-op, pre-HRT TS tend to go through dressing up dressy during the usually few hours they have to dress. It's kinda a self image thing I think - they need to see themselves as they know they are, but can't express, so in the limited time they have, they make the most of it before having to remove it all and hide or put it away.

That's how I see many of the cders of this board when they snatch the time they need to dress, or get the chance to do so for several hours or days during their wife/kids absence. And photographs. Many CDers like to have photos of themselves dressed to help recall, I think, those events. This even though the photos are potential dangers to being outed. Some TS, especially after going full time, and some before, will have pictures. Not all. For example, I hated to have my picture taken, because it portrayed me as I was not, with all my flaws and served as evidence of a sort that I was not me. I still don't like to have my photo made, but I am a lot easier about it when it is needed.

The attitude on removal of the clothes might be a difference -- most TS feel a sense of loss rather than being kinda ashamed or guilty over dressing - and rather than feeling kinda relieved for being able to be dressed (which they may do while dressed, but anxious over discovery too), they feel more grumpy and often depressed because they had to return to a presentation they see as a lie. At the same time, there can be a sense of fear of response, shame/guilt if they are still hiding themselves from wife, kids, and other close relatives and friends. Again, that evolves over time, and eventually they hit a wall where they just don't care anymore -- its be themselves or dead. THAT is a full on what the psych types call GID, a major depression.

After starting therapy, after HRT, and being near full time or are full time with greater opportunity to dress, TS find that dressing "down" rather than"up" is just fine, and gives them the freedom from the daily pretence as males at work and so on if they are not "out" there. Basically, they are able to accept themselves and the presentation and "dressing up"doesn't matter so much since they often do for most of a day at least. Then they dress for comfort, like any other woman.

I have noted several folks on this forum who have gone through acceptance of themselves as CDers, and they seem much more happy with themselves than those that are still hiding their CDing. I think that is much the same thing that TS go through on their road to accepting themselves.

That is one reason I have concluded that the difference between a CDer and a TS is a matter of degree, and they all fall along a continuum. To be TS is at one end of the continuum, to be mildly transvestic over certain clothing in a sexual way (almost fetishistic, maybe though that seems to evolve as they get older) is the other end of the continuum. To be out and about CDing is at other places on the continuum, and to be a non-op TS or Transgenderist (living as female full time without any surgery) is closer to the full op TS end of the continuum. And yes, I think it can change over time in some cases, due to such psychological tricks as self delusion or denial (Much more than a major river in Egypt).

JMHO!
Carolynn

[Joan]

Hi Charlee

Like you my wife is tolerant to a point. My wife is concerned as she knows and sees that my activity is increasing, she also has introduced some ground rules so that the situation is OK for both us.

She tolerates my CD activity but is concerned even scared I think that i will announce progressing to TS. Progressing to TS would impact severely on her world especially as we live in a rural area where ones business is known to all.

Joan

[CharLee]

Donna,

When I was describing the clothing in my post that is my choice of clothes that I like to wear as a woman. But as I said it goes beyond the clothes and make up.

To answer your question, even when I wear the casual jeans and a top, my wife still dislikes that because of her fears of loosing her husband in the process.

[Absaroka]

Char Lee, you may be on the cusp of something very, very difficult. Some of the folks here are in fact transexual, they transition from male to female. Some with surgery, some not.

The question is do you really want to be a woman? That sort of question is way beyond the ability of people in online forums to address. You will likely need some serious therapy from a therapist who is knowledgable about this to sort this out.

As for your wife, this is as important to her as it is to you. You may in fact still be the same person, but she married a man. Expecting her to accept a woman in his place may be too much to ask of her.

Personally I think you need to ask yourself some very difficult questions. If you decide that deep down inside you really want to be a woman, and not do the play acting that folks like me do and love, you will need to decide how important this is to you. Can you express your feminine side as a man, naked? Appearance is an immensely important yet small paart of being either a woman or a man. If you can only feel feminine with the clothes that may tell you something.

I don't envy you this path or this pain, not for a second, ever. But I and the others here will be happy to listen and offer our unexpert and perhaps bad advice.

Good luck, hang in there, and please keep posting.

Zari

[Anita]

Yes, you do have some choices ahead of you, CharLee.

Now my problem is that my need and desire to be a woman is getting stronger and stronger everyday and my need to be dress does the same

This feeling you have will probably not recede for any long period of time. I can see why your wife doesn't want to concede any ground at all. She might feel that it's the proverbial "slippery slope," where if she gives a little, the whole hillside might come down.

It's hard for you to reassure her that it won't. How can you know? That's not blaming you for not knowing; it's just a statement of how it is. My TS girlfriend's wife is still bitter and angry that she (the wife) was blindsided by my gf suddenly needing to transition. The wife felt she'd been lied to.

But it was a case of her husband telling her he was a CD before the marriage, and then finding that it was more than that. "If I'd have known where I was headed, I would have told her," is how my girlfriend would put it.

I would say that you need a little more room to find out what your feelings are about. I would hope your wife can find it in her heart to allow some home dressing to go on.