Hello

[Judith(SO)]

Well I’ve finally got the courage up to post this. For some time I’ve been, yes I will, no I won’t for a while now, but here goes. I’m new to this sort of forum thing, although I have been reading this forum for around 6 months now seeking information
.
I do have a story to tell which hopefully may get me some of the answers I seek, but I hesitate to put my life out into the world for all to see, but I suppose things will work themselves out eventually. It’s a case of where to post and if I can find the courage to open up.

I’m a forties something woman, married 20 plus years, with 3 teenage girls which I need to protect, especially the eldest one who is in the final year of high school.

The short of the long is that over a year ago I accidently found a box of female apparel out back in our shed, and it turned out my husband had kept a secret from me all these years about his life.

My husband is a good man, but the worlds worst communicator, which makes for a very frustrating and stressing life, although life was never this hard until I discovered his secret, which I wish I never had, but things happen for a reason it’s said.

I know there are people who see the wives as the enemy, but I’m not, believe me, but I do believe I’ve been wronged by being deceived for all these years, but we can’t change what has gone, we can only hope to make the future better, and to help do this maybe some of you experienced experts can point me in the right direction, when you know the whole story, if that’s acceptable.

Judith.

[Carly]

Judith,
There are many aspects and levels to which we dress. It may take some questions before you get the answers you need. But one thing I can say, from one who has been there, is if you condemn him without compromise you relationship will suffer and probable end. Read the posts on why we don't tell. It can be a combination of fear, guilt and not really knowing the implications 20 years ago. I have been married over 35 years and it developed along the way. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have gladly shared it with the love of my life.

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Judith, welcome.

I'm never been married, but I still feel there's stuff I want to respond to.

One thing about the CDing is the keeping the secret aspect of it, which can be quite stressful in itself. In that respect, by coming here and talking, sharing, you're reducing the stress on yourself.

It is very unlikely that anyone will work out who you and your husband are from your posting here - so please don't worry on that score.

Personally I would agree with you about being wronged. The trouble is, it's really hard, in my experience, to get rid of the anger once that's happened.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Judith, and welcome to the Forum!


- SL

[Lydia]

Hi Judith,

The two primary and universal questions that are asked of a crossdresser are:
1:Are you gay?
2:Do you want to become a woman?

I would strongly assume that in your husband’s case, the answers would be “No”., and in which case his desire, indeed need, to wear feminine clothes is a harmless and frequent condition. There is nothing better than a frank discusion, but, above all, don’t make it a confrontation. Don’t make him feel guilty - he probably has enough of that already.

Crossdressing exists in varying degrees along a broad spectrum from guys who just like to wear panties to those who want to be fully dressed and made up. Eventually, you will need to find out where his limits are, and how strong his needs are. Also you should discover what your limits are. If there is true affection, love, between you, then the prospect of compromise is excellent.

There are some basic facts that you should know. One is that crossdressing is an irreversible need - it can be suppressed, but never “cured.” Suppression may lead to much unhappiness and sometimes severe psychological problems. The other aspect of crossdressing that is particularly irritating is that the root cause is unknown. There is a possibility that, like homosexuality, there may be a genetic basis, but the evidence is flimsy at best. As you read the discussions in this forum, you will find many theories but few facts. For myself, at my advanced age, I have ceased looking for an explanation - I just enjoy it.

You have already made the first major step in dealing with your husband’s proclivities - you have joined this forum. Read on and ask questions. Neither you nor your husband are alone with these questions. We are here to help.

You may want to join the all GG discussion topics. Ask the Site Administrator Silver Lady via a personal message.

Hugs,

Lydia

[DonnaT]

Hi Judith, to the forum.

Feel free to open up here, as you are anonymous to us.

For most, crossdressing is one part of being transgender, so don't confuse transgender with transsexual, another aspect of being transgender.

It is an innate characteristic, and one should not feel shame for it. A long time ago, people were condemned for being left handed (wrong handed), but they eventually determined that this too was an innate characteristic that one should not try to change.

[Ginny Jones]

Hi Judith! I wanted to add my welcome to the forum. I really appreciated how straight your introduction was and it seemed to me that this bodes well. Take your time to find your answers and feel free to ask all the questions you need to!

with warm regards

Ginny x

[LisaK]

Most of us hide the urge for fear of the world laughing at us. Usually do not want to tell the wife cause she may just hate the idea and us for keeping it a secret.
The fact that you are here makes me think you would like to work this out.
I hope for your spouses sake that turns out to be true and that you both
eventually get to have fun with it. NOW--I can't help wonder how you arrived at this site ??

[Paulette]

Hello Judith,

That was my wife of 40 years' name. I loved her very much.

She always knew, but never wanted to be reminded of or see me as a cross dresser. I was with her through the end of her life, but was never able to share mine with her as fully as I wished to.

Several years after her death I met and married a woman who happily accepted my CD. She felt she was getting not just a man, but a man with special benefits. Still does, and we are both still deliriously happy and in love.

There were questions at first: will I lose you to another man? to the woman you may become? to a life I don't understand? Even as accepting as she was and is, it took over a year for her (and I) to be confident that we would share our lives as long as we lived, and that though we'd both grow, we'd always be the same people to each other . . . aaand that I was not queer, was very heterosexual, and showed no inclinations to be otherwise.

I think your husband has at least as much need to understand and accept himself as you do. Perhaps more. He may wonder if this is a slippery slope to wanting to be a woman, to becoming a flamboyant drag queen, to something even worse? He may have a hard time believing that you (and your children) will ever accept him. He may have a hard time believing that he has not changed, but has expanded his life and role as a fully functioning and feeling human being.

He may not know that, with your help, he may never want or need to come out of the closet. He may not know where he wants to go with this, and deeply fears where it may lead. After all, he's had this compulsion probably since childhood, and has struggled to control it but never managed to make it go away for good.

On-line groups like this can reassure him that 1) he may not be "normal," but 2) he certainly is "natural." (Estimates are that at least 8% of all males in all cultures, including ours, are CDs.)

I once found myself in a discussion group of about 30 men, all of whom were married with children, and the talk somehow turned to my discovery that high-cut nylon panties were much more comfortable than tighty-whities, or even boxers. It was a bonding moment! All the guys were either curious to try it or had already done so, and were relieved to find they weren't alone or queer. Most seemed more concerned about how their wives would take it than about actually having a guilty little CD secret. I sadly suspect that many of them never followed up, and if they did, never told their spouses. Too bad: they'll never know how good it feels to have warm, loving flesh on both sides of the silkiness.

All of this is just to say that yes, it's troubling, and it will be difficult for each of you. But it is potentially one of the most rewarding experiences either of you will have. If you can come through this together, the closeness that will now be possible, the freedom from hiding, and the end of the anxiety of being "discovered," may bring a greater quality of togetherness and ease to your marriage.

I hope it does, and so does everyone here.

Paulette

[Anita]

Hi Judith--
Hello to you, and welcome. Like Ginny, I appreciated your introduction. You've been reading posts here for six months, so you have a fair idea of what others have experienced. I think it's safe to open up on here.

[Domonique]

Hi Judith and Welcome to the Forum. As you can tell already, you will get the advice you are searching for right here.
Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions, we're here to help. Take your time and think about the what we are telling you and
everything will workout. Sounds like to me you want to be excepting of this but you are not sure how to let your hubby know.
Anyway, ask on.

[Paula G]

Hello, and welcome, I generally agree with everything that has already been said, especially that this is a safe anonymous place, unless you choose to make yourself known. You have a difficult situation to deal with and I am sure that all of us sympathise with your situation, I will not try to give any advice, just to observe that your Husband is hiding this because he is ashamed, he would prefer not to have to do this, but in some way is compelled to. For most cross dressers it is not sexual thing and does not involve any real betrayal, it is just that we are embarrassed, ashamed and afraid of this compulsion we have. We do not lie about it other than from a desire to protect those we love from any perceived humiliation. If I could go back 20 years and tell my wife about this before we married I would, because I didn't it has put a blight on our marriage, it is up to you whether it puts a blight on yours.

[Davita]

Welcome.

Ro and I are working on our 38th... 39th? over 37 years of marriage. It took me 4 to 6 months to tell her AFTER we were married because I was too scared of losing her. I had to tell her eventually because the closet was killing me; the sneaking, the fear of getting caught, the inability to just be me. She was not the happiest camper in the world when she found out and I have pushed limits whenever I could, but we have both worked to stay together; we don't want to be apart. We're married, this part of our lives is just another part of our lives and all of a married life is full of compromises, giving and receiving.

Again, welcome. You can ask me anything; I no longer have any secrets.

[Leeza]

Hi, Judith(SO), and to our home on the internet.

Leeza

[Judith(SO)]

To answer the question of how I came to this forum. Quite simple really. In my search for knowledge I simply typed something to the effect of Men wearing womens clothes into my Yahoo search, and from there followed links from where I read many sites, but this one seemed quite good, so here I am.

To quell the suggestions that I may hate what happens, well that’s not the case. It may not be my cup of tea, but I’m very well aware of the variations which exist in humans, as I’m a RN and have seen most things cross my station over time. What knocked me for six at the time was that it was the furtherest thing from my mind that my husband could be involved, because over 21 years there had never been the slightest hint it was part of him, but there you go, nothing should surprise us and I know that from experience, but it was so close to home it shook me up.

I have no intention of allowing our marriage to fall apart, but that also takes two, not just one, but for me that’s not an option at this stage anyway. We have three girls to think of and at their stage of life they need their stable home to go on as it always was.

My husband is a good man, maybe too introverted, but that’s the man I married, he’s a hard worker and good provider. I haven’t forbidden him to stop his activity but then I haven’t encouraged him either, because I feel that if he has been able to go on with it and keep it secret for all these years then he should be able to keep the status quo for sometime yet while the girls finish their education and get through puberty, which sometimes can be a difficult time in a young girls life, and I don’t believe it would be good policy to expose them to this at this time.

This all leads me to ask you all a question which is giving me some sort of concern for the future.
Does this activity usually have its’ limit or does the desire to expand it get stronger over time. If you cannot control what you do now, then maybe you cannot control where it takes you, is that the case?
My hubs is in his late forties and I’m uncertain as to what the future holds. I don’t believe he is gay in any way, but as to anything else I have no idea, and maybe he doesn’t either, but there’s really no way to tell, is there? Wouldn’t he know in his own mind by this time of his life the truth of who he is, or am I just looking at it and hoping, from my point of view?.

I do keep myself under control, except maybe a time or two in my own quiet private space, and I try hard never to let any stress show, but from my side I never considered that I would ever have to confront anything like this in my personal life, with work yes, but that’s different.
I know from experience that people who have been a certain way all their life know no difference and with many things they cannot change anything. There we can run into a problem because they cannot comprehend how we think and we cannot understand it from their side, and this frustrates me no end because I agonise over where it may lead to, even though I realize that may well be out of both our hands.

Thanks for all the encouraging words and hopefully I’ll find some answers, if not, well maybe it’s out of my hands.

Judith.