Hello

[Kathleen A (SO)]

My husband dresses sometimes in the privacy of our own home- the dressing doesn't bother me and can actually be really fun. But I wonder how this aspect of him influences other aspects of our relationship that seem to be troubled or lacking. He told me before we married but kept it a secret for years before even when I specifically asked is there was anything he was into that he hadn't shared withme, this led to trust issues for me that I can't seem to overcome 100%. I have always identified as a very open and honest person and bothers me that there is secret that I can't talk to my closest friends about. I look forward to being part of a communtity where I can share these feelings.

Kathleen A (SO)

[DonnaT]

Hi Kathleen, to the forum.

I'm having a hard time understanding the trust issue, since he did tell you before getting married.

Note that some, if not most, find/found it quite hard to talk to anyone else about this characteristic, much less someone you are afraid may run for the hills if they find out. I'd say it took a bit of courage to tell you when he did.

I didn't. Not that I was afraid, it just never came up in our short romance/engagement/wedding. And at age 19, not quite up there with other thoughts at the time.

As for having someone to talk to. I've told my wife she can talk to whomever she desires. She's not been able to open up about it though.

[Kimberly Kael]

My husband dresses sometimes in the privacy of our own home- the dressing doesn't bother me and can actually be really fun. But I wonder how this aspect of him influences other aspects of our relationship that seem to be troubled or lacking.

Welcome, Kathleen. I hope you find some useful insights here from folks across the cross-dressing/transgender spectrum. Unfortunately your first line of inquiry is sufficiently vague that it's hard to offer any ideas. What areas? Is there any reason to believe there's a connection between his dressing and these trouble spots in your relationship?

He told me before we married but kept it a secret for years before even when I specifically asked is there was anything he was into that he hadn't shared with me, this led to trust issues for me that I can't seem to overcome 100%.

Trust issues in a relationship with a cross-dresser are extraordinarily common, so I'm not the least bit surprised. That doesn't mean they aren't a very real issue for both of you to work on, just that it's common enough that you should be able to find other couples who have worked through it together. I think the most important aspect is for both of you to learn to empathize with the other. He needs to understand why you feel hurt by keeping secrets and build a habit of sharing things he thinks you might disapprove of to learn to trust you to be supportive and understanding. You need to learn just how deeply ingrained it is for him to hide his cross-gender behavior, established through decades of social conditioning as a relationship-killer, source of parental disapproval, and potentially career-ending source of gossip. It definitely takes time.

I have always identified as a very open and honest person and bothers me that there is secret that I can't talk to my closest friends about. I look forward to being part of a communtity where I can share these feelings.

Metaphorically speaking, you've been dragged into the closet with him and it can be a very frustrating experience. He has had a lot longer to get used to it than you, but nobody grows to like it very much. Finding a community you can share with, and potentially broadening that group is definitely important. I hope you feel at home here, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Anthony Simon]

Welcome, Kathleen. You seem to be saying that the CDing is attacking your sense of self as an open and honest person in two ways. There's the fact of you not being able to share fully with your friends, but there's also the lack of trust you have for your husband - which implies a less than full letting go with him.

An inability to fully let go might cause "other aspects of our relationship...to be troubled or lacking". Or are you talking about something else, like specific problems you see in your husband? Like do you feel the CDing is making him "less of a man"?

I kind of get the feeling from your post that there's a big lack of context for your situation for you, so that although the CDing is itself somewhat positive (or better) for you, there is a sense of you being at a loss.

On the thing about your husband not telling you when you asked directly, he may not be as open and honest a person as you are naturally (not uncommon amongst CDs perhaps given that we're obliged to hide what we do by society) - but when he came to deciding to commit to marriage felt "now I have to tell her", which would indicate a basic honesty and decency. If that were so, I guess the moral would be you can trust him to get it right...eventually.

[Leeza]

Hi, Kathleen, and to our home on the internet.

with the above.

Leeza

[Domonique]

Hi Kathleen, Welcome to the Forum. The only advice I can give is to come back everyday and ask your questions and read the responses the girls here give. I say everyday because it can be a day to day process. Just know that every experience is different, so the advice will be different. It's up to you to think about the responces and see how they apply to you, your CD, and your relationship.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Kathleen, and a huge welcome to the Forum!!


- SL

[Carly]

Welcome Kathleen,
I too was married early (at 20yrs old) I wish I would have told my wife then but I thought it would go away. She says she would not have married me if she knew. I would have missed so much. But that is one reason why don't tell. Your husband did a brave thing by telling you before marriage. I hope communication can take down the rest of the barriers along with a community to share this "gift" .

[Paula G]

Hi, and to our little group, I hope we can help and interest you, keep asking, and keep reading.