Ok, now that the short intro is done, here is some background.
I don’t recall the first time I wore “women’s” clothes. The earliest memories of this time are vague and somewhat mixed up in my mind. I am sure that I was in to my sister’s clothing and not my Moms. I think it was a style/generational thing (maybe even the fit). I know I first discovered the thrill of the good feeling wearing my sister’s clothes before I reached puberty, because my earliest memory is when I was about 12. I was pushing someone in a wagon and my sister was with me. She asked me if those were her panties I was wearing. Of course I said no, and may have acted defensively.
Something I don’t have much of memory of but have a picture of, is when I was about 5. The babysitter of my siblings and I was taking the picture of us on the porch. I was in a dress and girls socks and shoes; I also had on a wig. I don’t recall much else of the picture. Recently I was talking to my parents and I instigated this topic coming up. I mentioned the baby sitter and asked about him. My Dad made sure to suggest that he was a great guy. I asked if there was anything unusual from this time and my Mom jumped in and shared her memory. My parents came home from something and found that I was dressed as a girl. But the way My Mom said it was more like this; “When we came home, you were dressed up in an interesting/different way”. So I said “dressed as a girl”. They seemed to not hear and I said it again. The subject quickly changed. I grew up in a very conservative religious home. I’m thankful and burdened.
Throughout my youth, I was able to get rare opportunities to go in to my sister’s room and dress up. It didn’t happen very often due to seven people living in the house, and the guilt and shame I felt from the religious and cultural conditioning I was raised with.
I was married for 13 years and occasionally would don my wives’ clothing. I didn’t go to the church of my youth anymore but still had fears of shame, especially since I now have two children.
Throughout my life I have shown my feminine side in many ways. I’ve had long hair for most of my life that I would secretly want to be pretty. I’m sure that most people that know me can see that I am somewhat feminine. I was a bit of a hippy in a way and took advantage of the fact that I could occasionally wear a skirt, and my wife was fine with that, as far as I knew. (Dang Hippy!) Smiley face.
I know that the culture I grew up in considered me a sinner and gross, and this was hard on me. I was confused my whole life and pushed my thoughts far away. This is why, I feel, that I don’t have a lot of memories of wanting to feel like a girl in pretty clothes. I have a wonderful friend that has allowed me to be myself with her lately, and what do you know, she is very supportive of my feminine need. In the last few weeks, she has helped me to actually buy my own dresses, bra, and make up. I have never worn make up before and these experiences of makeup and doing my hair are very emotional and fulfilling. I saw something in the mirror that I was happy about; I looked pretty. Wow! This is big for me because my masculine side has suffered. I hate shopping for clothes (turns out I only like shopping for girl stuff) I buy neutral colors and styles and comfort before fashion has been my motto. Wear it till it crumbles away. I guess I wasn’t taking a lot of pride in my appearance. I also have worn a beard for most of 20 years. Now, at 41, I find myself constantly wanting to shave and moisturize. Weird. Now if I can keep myself away from the mirror. Needing to find balance in pride and humility. It is hard since I find myself in new “gender” adolescence.
I am thankful for my supportive and beautiful friend, and now, for this forum in which I can find nourishment in my bloom.
*** Post edited to insert spacing between paragraphs (that makes it so much easier for everyone to read!), as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL
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