A welcome step forward ... but ?

[Sue]

Hi to all . It's quite a while since I posted on here . When I first did , I was in a bad place . The usual guilt and frustration .

I have been a closet CD most of my life . I am married to a wonderful woman but she has never understood my desires to cross dress . We had talks about it early in our marriage but in the end I just had to dress when alone and hope she never found out .

We are both now retired and together most of the time . This being so I get very little chance to dress . A few weeks ago , this came to a head . My need was so great that I had to talk about it to her . I had been very stressed for a while and I told her that if I wore a nightie at night , I felt it would help . I was amazed when she agreed . At first I wore one of hers that she no longer uses . A long silky one with thin shoulder straps . Of course that was just the start . I have since bought more ! I have about 10 now . She goes to bed before me so I sit downstairs in my chosen nightie and just enjoy the wonderful feelings of relaxation and calm . It seems to bring out another personality in me . Also I feel as though I am insulated from all negative thoughts and stress . The feeling of those soft silky nighties is heaven to me . When I get in bed , my wife often hold me in her arms and we both enjoy the feelings of closeness . When I wake during the night , I am aware of the delicate and gentle feeling of the nightie on my skin . I keep it on as I make breakfast for us both . We often eat it in bed and I just love that sensation .

Of course I want to take it one step farther and wear a dress perhaps in the evening but so far my wife cannot deal with that . We will have to wait and see . At least I feel I have at last made a breakthrough .

Just being able to do what I have described has changed my life ..... Does that sound strange ?

I am a happier more relaxed person . My wife has noticed that . I have no intention of ever dressing "full time" but I would love to be able to buy and wear lovely female clothes just in the home .

One question ? Why on earth is CD so frowned upon by nearly everyone . I consider myself a good person who has never harmed anyone . OK , I like to wear female clothes . Does that make me a freak ? Am I perverted ! They are just clothes . I remain the same person . When I wear , I feel gentle and inwardly happy and content . In fact I feel more like "myself" wearing female clothes . Can that really be so bad that others would condem me as some sort of weirdo ?

Almost everything is OK these days in modern society , but not CD . Often I feel frustrated and annoyed about that . Maybe one day things will change but there is little sign of that yet .

Sorry this is such a long post but I felt I had a lot to say .

Thanks for reading and love to all .... Sue .



*** Post edited to insert spacing between paragraphs (that makes it so much easier for everyone to read!), as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; . . . and as a reminder, tab indents do not work with BBCode (they're automatically removed).- SL

[DonnaT]

I could stay in my night gown all day

There seems to be a lot more acceptance for CDing these days, but there are still people that don't understand it, so they don't like it.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Sue,

Society is coming to terms with the trans and gay community, whether they like it or not. Cross dressing is an odd bird to understand. A hetero male that enjoys dressing female with little or no desire live full time or transition. Hard enough for the CD to live with, harder for a spouse that never experienced gender confusion.

Your wife may be afraid that dressing at home will lead to dressing too often for her comfort. Going out dressed, her fear might be you being humiliated if caught. Even worse, that neighbors will find out and bring shame on her. She didn't ask for this situation.

As a CD spouse, I'll offer some suggestions. Doesn't mean that I have sage advice, this is what works for us.

Don't buy more or prettier things that she has, that feels like competition with another woman.

In bed, I'm the woman, he's the man. I enjoy his femme times, but I married and want to live with a man.

He gets plenty of femme time at home. We have a girls night sometimes too. It's one way to get him to watch Hallmark shows with me. His femme time is still a very small percentage of our life.

He is more relaxed, content, and happy now. Dressed or not, he knows he can when the desires become a need. In exchange, I have a much more sensitive husband that seems to understand my emotions more than I thought any man could ever do. When life gets stressful or he gets antsy, I'll tell him to go put a bra on and leave me alone.

Sue, your wife is missing out on a better relationship. You are not a freak, perverted, or a weirdo. Maybe a little weird, but the fun kind. My husband's feminine side made him a good and caring husband and father. I didn't know then that he wanted to put a dress on those femme feelings. It's part of him, and you.

I'd rather live with a happier man that dresses like a woman now and then, than a frustrated husband that resents his wife's non acceptance. The social events we have gone to are lots of fun also.

Eileen

[Requal Jo]

Hi Sue. I fully understand your post as my wife was not fully accepting of my dressing when I shared with her about the topic.

By taking small steps and giving time, time, she is becoming more accepting and understanding.

It has been 2 years since coming out to her and each day her acceptance of Requal grows.

So, take small steps and look after your wife and acceptance will continue to develop over time.

You are not a freak or any other name that you choose. You are you and realistic you a man who just enjoys the comfort of female apparel.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Don't think this will help much , any way a maybe . men in dress,s or skirts and this will depend on the men here and I doubt know full well that none of them are wearing the garb - clothes for any reason other than for our reinactment group = The SCA , world wide and do have a look at our group, yes some look lovely and many colours and for us a week to gether and of cause other do,s we have , we have about 150 men plus our women so 250 for a week together .

Now of cause the garb is made by many of our women for the men so they fit accordingly . okay they are very manly men strong and do lay in to the sports armory , yet theres no 2 nd looks from others out side in the mundane world just aq look of wow that's different and quite neat.

Right, what I see is because this is manly for men in their garb , this would not apply to the dresser,s would it , because it does not have the side issue of being sexy looking clothes , as a ? would any dresser,s be interested in some thing like this try bringing this up with the women folk as it may just open their eyes to men do dress in pretty looking yes I,ll use garb = clothes is it worth a try .
Now I know all the men and I know them well enough to know what they would say if they were asked are you trying to be a woman , answer is a very strong ...NO...WAY.... they are just men all out and nothing more .

...noeleena...

[Marissa Mae]

Sue, you wrote:

"They are just clothes."

In a way, they are lots more than just clothes. That's what many people are scared of. They're scared of the feminine person in us who longs for expression, and the clothes are a visible sign of that deeper, more threatening thing: a man, a husband, a son, a brother, a father who has this inward need and longing.

And those are the people who genuinely try to understand. Many people don't even try—they don't want to think about it, the revulsion is primal for them, they never get to the stage of reasoning it out. Thank goodness for Caitlyn Jenner and other public transgender people who are taking the heat and slowly but surely making inroads on this fear and total turnoff, resulting in unwillingness/inability to accept us for the harmless people we are and the pretty clothes we want.

You wrote: "When I wear , I feel gentle and inwardly happy and content . In fact I feel more like "myself" wearing female clothes . Can that really be so bad that others would condem me as some sort of weirdo ?"

I would say that this feeling "more like myself" is pretty threatening to a wife who's invested in her husband's maleness as part of the relationship. It's all about stability and expectations. Learning of a husband's transgender leanings is like an earthquake.

My wife has been remarkably understanding, but she misses the feeling of having a plain untarnished male on her hands. Seeing it from her viewpoint—how would I feel if she wore jockstraps and boots and adopted male personality traits—helps me understand what's involved.

This is a slow process with much give and take on both sides. I'm so glad for you that your wife is willing to go along with it. Time may well make her more comfortable and accepting.

Marissa Mae

[Anne Bonny]

I think the best thought shared with me was that we have every right to be who we are, and others have every right not to like it. Robyn told me that. I believe Christianity permeates our society and pushes its religious strictures and views on everyone with a very heavy and oppressive hand even on non adherents of their faith. Christians believe there is only the binary of male and female as that is what god created, you will hear them state this is god's grand design and of course going against that means we are sinners. They pass over the inter sexed, Kleinfelters. They argue that we are delusional, that we are mentally ill.

I will say if you are born male or female, no amount of hormone treatments, or surgeries will make you the opposite sex because our brains are with probably rare exceptions wired identically to that of our sex. We are sexually only set up to be what we are, setting aside the inter sexed.

I do reject though the thought that we are delusional or mentally ill, if we were mentally ill we could not function and I can create a very long list of trans gendered people who are successful in every aspect of their lives, I would count myself among them and I bet everyone here would be on that list. I have lived most of my life from a very young age with my gender flowing all over the place, people do not want to accept it. The fact is that there is no surgery or porceedure or medication or even a miraculous event to change who we are, we are born this way, will die this way. But until society faces that fact we will continue to face oppression, rejection, and nonacceptance from certain quarters of the population while many are willing to accept us. Make friends with those people, the rest can move on, I am not asking their permission or acceptance they are free not to like it but I have constitutional rights to live my life openly, to be in public, own a home, get a job, and education, and function openly in this society with the same voting rights of any citizen.

[Anita]

Sue wrote:

One question ? Why on earth is CD so frowned upon by nearly everyone . I consider myself a good person who has never harmed anyone . OK , I like to wear female clothes . Does that make me a freak ? Am I perverted ! They are just clothes . I remain the same person . When I wear , I feel gentle and inwardly happy and content . In fact I feel more like "myself" wearing female clothes . Can that really be so bad that others would condem me as some sort of weirdo ?

Sue, your description of the good that it’s done for you comes across very clearly. Your wife may have mixed feelings about the situation, but there is some benefit for her. That’s not always the case, and it’s heartening to read about it in this one instance.

Anne has often expressed the same question you’re asking. The frustration level gets high when something you do for yourself brings positive feelings, and yet it can't be shared, or acted on past tightly closed doors and shuttered windows.

Human beings have all kinds of secret behaviors that can’t be openly acted on, and many of them are harmful if they are acted on. In comparison to all the “secret” desires I can think of, crossdressing is among the ones that have the least amount of harmful effects on oneself or on others. However, just by being a secret behavior, it’s tainted by association with all the other examples. People assume that in addition to being shameful, it must have some destructive aspect to it, just like many other secret behaviors do. Since it’s so difficult for us to go out and be who we are, few people ever get to see anything that would make them change their mind about this.

Over the years, I’ve found that no amount of talking about CDing seems to make much difference in people’s impressions of it. They may listen, and even be curious, but it doesn’t seem to change their attitudes about it. If I show up presenting as a woman, it makes an impression on them. Demonstration speaks loudly. They see that something is going on there that’s not part of their ordinary experience, and they have to go a little deeper to understand it. It doesn't mean that they'll accept me, but they can't ignore having to look at their beliefs and their assumptions.

High profile people like Caitlyn Jenner aren’t necessarily going to help people understand crossdressing any better. She had to crossdress in secret for much of her life, but that part of her story is not focused on. Her CDing was a means to an end—changing her gender, and taking on a new identity. CDing as a stand-alone behavior, with no desire to become a full-time woman, is still going to be just as mysterious as it is now. The only people who might shed some light on it is someone like myself, who presents as both male and female at different times. As much as I’ve gained by doing this out in the world, it can be a difficult life to maintain, and I don’t see a lot of us wanting to do it. The initial novelty can keep a person going for five to ten years, but there comes a time when that motivation is not enough any more. Yet change will come very slowly without men actively presenting as women, and also being "read" as such. Stealth TS women and crossdressers who pass all the time are not as much part of the learning process for the general public.

Living in both genders takes a lot of energy. As one gets older, the tendency is either to dress more and/or transition to the other gender, or just stop switching genders. I'm talking strictly about those who go out, here. As one of our former members put it, there were no more "first times" for her--she'd experienced a lot of things in her femme role, and she had run out of the desire to continue doing it. She moved back into male-only. I still dress to lead the support group once a month. Otherwise, I don’t go out. [This is not all because of lack of motivation, I'll have to add. My partner is partially disabled, and her care requires a lot of time and energy.]

I’ve seldom gotten stress relief by dressing at home. I needed to go out in the world as my own version of a woman in order to experience the positive effects of this. In the big picture, this was a good thing, as it forced me to be a role model for people who otherwise would have thought they didn’t know anyone who CDed. Face-to-face contact, and diminishing fear of the unknown, are both important for changing attitudes.

[Anthony Simon]

One question ? Why on earth is CD so frowned upon by nearly everyone . I consider myself a good person who has never harmed anyone . OK , I like to wear female clothes . Does that make me a freak ? Am I perverted ! They are just clothes . I remain the same person . When I wear , I feel gentle and inwardly happy and content . In fact I feel more like "myself" wearing female clothes . Can that really be so bad that others would condem me as some sort of weirdo ?

People read someone male who wears women's clothes as someone who unmans himself and therefore cannot function fully as a male. That is understood as undermining the very centre of society.

There's an unstated - and deeply sexist - assumption in there somewhere that without "real men", society will fall apart in a kind of "centre does not hold" way.

That's the rationalisation.

I believe that actually men and women approach the problem quite differently. I think men are afraid that CDs function as a Trojan horse for the rise of women. Like, if they were to allow men to sometimes show "feminine" characteristics, that would be tantamount to accepting that feminine characteristics were quite as valid as masculine ones. And then they'd have to accept that men were no better than women. Which men would only do after much kicking and screaming because they just love being "top".

I think (and I'm guessing) that women are concerned that the man they marry should be able to function as such within a marriage. Wearing a dress is taken as a great big red sign saying "probably not".

[Noeleena]

Hi ,

Is this about.... just.... wearing a dress or skirt I doubt it very much it has nothing at all do with this peace of clothe fabric, what ever you call it why ???, we with in our nation wear Kilts our island people wear skirts and no one says you men what are you doing and Romans back 2000 years , its accepted and has been for many 1000,s of years for us try from the aprox 1300 .s as a nation Scottish , and even the English of all people took from us our custom now I wonder why, have they lost the plot , (( no comment )) if you know us you,ll know why .

okay so its not the skirt or dress so what is it its not wether your male or female that does not come into it at all , so look deeper , and find the ...REAL... reason then you may find the answer .

Be nice to hear back and see what you found or have to say ,

...noeleena...

[Anthony Simon]

okay so its not the skirt or dress so what is it its not wether your male or female that does not come into it at all , so look deeper , and find the ...REAL... reason then you may find the answer...

Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't; for some people it is and for some people it isn't; in some times it is and in some times it isn't.

Everything can be upside down. I can go into being a woman by wearing women's clothes and then end up, next day, I've found a deeper level to being a man - or ended by being more committed to being a woman.

[Sue]

Thanks to all for the wonderful posts . They are all so true and honest in their own individual ways .
I guess dressing means a multitude of things to different people . There is no single answer I am sure . I spent too long looking for the reasons and answers . I now just accept the fact that I am a little different from what is normally accepted . I love being the way I am and would not want to be any other way . A few years ago I would not have thought that way . This forum helped me so much to understand myself and maybe not spend too much time delving into Why Why Why ?
I have no desire to dress "full time" but the time spent doing so it of great pleasure and comfort to me . At the end of a tough day , to slip into a long silky nightdress is pure heaven . My mind becomes free . A part of me that lies dormant inside is released . I feel like a different human being . Emotions are freed and I become calm and happy . What can be wrong with that ? I rather pity those who have never experienced it . They have missed something precious and beyond words . Our "gift" is one to be celebrated and not viewed as deviant or weird .
I wish all happiness and contentment .
Sue .

[Alexia]

One question ? Why on earth is CD so frowned upon by nearly everyone . I consider myself a good person who has never harmed anyone . OK , I like to wear female clothes . Does that make me a freak ? Am I perverted ! They are just clothes . I remain the same person . When I wear , I feel gentle and inwardly happy and content . In fact I feel more like "myself" wearing female clothes . Can that really be so bad that others would condem me as some sort of weirdo ?

That is not one question, that is a lot of questions and really good ones at that.

-Why are crossdressers so frowned upon?

Because we don't fit the mold. It is like putting a square peg into a round hole, it wont fit unless the hole is wide enough and even then it is not the way it is supposed to be. People can barely wrap their head around men wanting to be with men, or women wanting to be with women, or men wanting to be women and women wanting to be men. But a man who wants to be with women, yet wants to dress up as a woman? That is just something that people often can't seem to understand. It doesn't fit with the usual perception of masculinity, the macho culture, if you will. We can only hope and wait patiently for the day to come that something like this will also no longer be seen as an exception and become a bit more ordinary. Maybe one thing the brave ones among us need to do is go public. Thanks to many courageous trailblazers gay men and and women are becoming more and more accepted. And if it is okay for transgenders to come onto talkshows and talk about their troubles, then why can't we? There are many similarities. We all feel the need to change something about ourselves. For some of us it really goes at least skin deep, for some of us it stops at our clothes. We feel unhappy when we need to hide that part of ourselves, when we can't be free to enjoy it. Hiding a part of your identity from all or most of the people you know can hurt a lot and be very unhealthy.

-You consider yourself to be a good person who never harmed anyone

Not a question, but a statement, but one that I would like to heartily concur with! I would like to state for the record that, in my humble opinion, crossdressing doesn't harm anyone. If you keep it a secret, or do it while it upsets someone else, that is a different matter, but in and of itself, it is quite innocent. In fact, as I said in my first post on this forum, by buying all those extra clothes, I am actually stimulating the economy.

-Does crossdressing make you a freak?

No. Not even in the sense that you are a tiny minority, as even just judging by the activity on this forum, which is after all only one place for people like us, there are quite a few of us out there, possibly many more than even we would imagine. Many more of us are hidden. That hiding, which I did too until very recently, may not be good. It makes us feel isolated and reinforces all the negative stereotypes of us. If we see no others like us, it makes us feel different and even more afraid to show others what we are into. The internet is, in this case, such a blessing as it allows us, from the safety of our own homes, to connect with likeminded people and help and support each other.

-Are you perverted?

Why would you be a pervert, whatever that word may mean exactly, just because you have a tendency to crossdress? Again, there is no harm in it and often, no one even needs to know about it. If anything, I would say it is a bit kinky, but no stranger or worse than any of many fetishes that are way more accepted and have found their way into mainstream p0rn and into many a bedroom. Fifty shades of grey, anyone? Without wanting to step on any toes, that is a movie about a dysfunctional relationship, as far as I can tell. Not a meeting of the minds, of equals. That alone makes it an example of unhealthy behaviour. Yet it seems to have captured the imagination of many, without much of an uproar.

-Is it bad to feel better about yourself while wearing women's clothes?

I think anyone who would say yes to that, would be a male who never wore women's clothes. They can be so soft and comfortable, it is simply amazing and it would be unfair if genetic women should get to have all the fun. Even just that would possibly be enough reason for me to continue dressing this way, even if only in the privacy of my own home. I may probably never wake up with perfect skin and covered in boobs, round buttocks and gorgeous long hair, which is just what I may have to learn to live with, but if anyone wants to take my women's clothing away from me as well, they may have a wee bit of trouble doing so.

Also, I can identify with buying many variants of one item of clothing. Different colours, fabrics and so on. I love doing that and am ever so grateful for online shopping facilitating this.

Finally I would like to say that you are lucky to have a SO that at least is willing to try and accept that part of you. Treasure that and be careful with it, it is a gift many of us don't have. Don't push it too far, respect their boundaries and if need be, compromise. Discuss your needs and wants and their needs and wants, if the situation makes it necessary. Disclaimer: I have zero experience in relationships, I just think this is always good advice.