Don't know what it is...

[Anne Bonny]

I don't know what it is but sometimes I just want to be girl, so here I am on another morning sipping my coffee full make up, touched up legs, top coated toes in my white top and floral skirt and sandals simply being who I am.

Of course, I dare not let anyone know, or go out. Isn't that sad? If men want to be girls why can't everyone just accept that? Instead we hide and have to hope no one comes knocking because we are far beyond the social construct so that we are in violation to be even in our own homes ...a threat to the insecurity of male domination and held in contempt by women who see us as worthless and definitely not wanted by them, as a partner.

And for all of the pot hole out there...yes I know that I am not a woman even so it is as I am at times and it seems to come more so in the mornings or at bedtime...sometimes I am equivocal and go to bed and find I have to get up and slip on some panties, drop a nightie over my head and put in my studs so that I am able to sleep. Otherwise it will not let me alone as I lay there desiring the sleep attire I desire as a girl.

I suppose I am insane but I cannot help being who I am. I have been this way all of my life, from childhood and I am now 62 no...I am not just doing it! I did not start it on a lark today so I can easily not be who I am in an instant! really that is what the pot hole think, I believe even if I told an un-accepting family member she would think just like that and then demand I see a Psychiatrist who was dead set against it and who would say it is not normal and would put me on psychiatric medications as they worked to get me to stop ... These people are idiots!

[Noeleena]

Hi.

How many women do you really know and I don't men . Oh..... I know so and so and we have a natter about life and the world have a cupper now and then , Oh …. really,

I,m talking about a woman who you sit down with and have a heart to heart good talk with do you know her so well that you don't have to ask what she thinks on some subjects or even bring up and talk about , do you know what makes her tick what moves her and why, do you really understand her,

I quess for men they don't because they are not women they are sure not female and don't have a life experance and don't really understand what it,s like being a female how can they they are not born female,

you can listen and hear what we say do you understand what we say, because what we say is not how men hear us or listen , I don't have a lot in common with men , I do in regard to work related subjects world events car,s trucks and machinery , and that really is about it , sexually not really what makes a man like they are,

you can be in a relationship and get to know each other I,ll say quite well in many details yet do you
really know each other, Your of cause I dare not let any one know or go out , why whats stopping you is it just the front door I doubt it,s bolted and has 20 lock,s on it, have you for gotten our Island people dress in skirts and lovely colours and many are men and do their wifes . partners say any thing , well no. so where,s the issue , I know women who look more male than female do our people comment no. and myself I,m in dress,s skirts, every day meet 1000,s of people dancing and so on ,

To day I spent time with my friend next door and her daughter we striped off and tried on a few dress,s , we have a ball together, and we talk about every thing have meals together go shopping and work together, we are family, .
It takes time to have that relationship, and you build on it with trust for each other, yes I have that advantage of being a female I don't have the advantage of being born with my female facial features yet that is not what this is about this is about being the real who I am It,s not about I,m trying to be other than I am ether ,

you step out the door you go meet people you let them see you and they begin to see you for who you really are, I,m 72 and get off my backside and do it , it,s not hard to do unless you don't ...WONT...TO.

...noeleena...

[Melissa Mac]

I find myself with some time on my hands due to a canceled vacation trip so I have been catching up on some of the posts I have skipped over. One topic that has caught my attention is one of the blogs here from Heather. She pours her heart and soul out here about her life most of the time but every once she does one on "The Gospel According to Heather." Her words, not mine. A while back she did one on choices which was excellent. In it she talks about what people go through making a choice and how we should weigh all the considerations before coming to a decision however she makes a couple of comments. One comment is how the worst decision one can make is not to make a decision something I am guilty of in my personal life and from experience I can 100% agree with her. The other statement she makes that is maybe even more appropriate here is to paraphrase her is whatever choice one makes don't blame others for your decision. Anne you are guilty of this.

http://www.crossdressers-haven.com/foru ... &start=270

I have been out for many years and have encountered a wide range of experiences from those expressed by what Anne terms "the pot hole" to curiosity to acceptance. To those offering acceptance I thank for their understanding to the curious I answer their questions and to the pot hole? Well in my mind I flip them the bird and think to myself it is my life to live. I don't tell them how to live their lives what right do they have to tell me how to live mine?

Anne it takes courage to swim against the current regardless of whatever it is. If your desire is to stay closeted do not let me or anyone else talk you into anything other. However you seem desirous of taking this part of your life mainstream, so I ask you what is stopping you? The way I see it is you have a choice to make. Either you stay locked away miserable or you take a step into the sunlight and go for it. Is it easy? NO to be polite but I and every other girl knows what is potentially out there and we accept it and go forward. The choice is yours but whatever choice you make don't blame others for it.

[KimberlyS]

So often the hardest door to walk through is the door of our mind. The door is unlocked and easy to open. But getting to the door, turning the knob, pulling it open, and walking out the door from across the room can be a difficult journey. The trip across 15 feet can take thousands of miles to get there. Our hand turning the knob and pulling can seem like the knob is welded and the door is 2000 pounds. And then finally going out the door to the sunshine, we stand on the inside and think about all of the storms that could happen when we go out and debate how long will the sunshine last, will it rain or storm.

Until we open the door in our mind, the what if's will keep us from going to the door and opening it. I am not saying there is not bad in this world. Just watch the news. But if we let the possibility of bad keeping us from going out the door, we would not be able to enjoy the outside sunshine and nice weather most of the time.

Do you not go out to the grocery store because there is a chance you may get struck by lightening when you get outside or hit by another vehicle on the way to the store. No we go to the grocery store. We may avoid going to the store when it is raining out, but once it is nice again we will go. We will take care in our driving and watch the traffic and other vehicles to to minimize the chances of getting hit by another car. But we will go out the door, go outside and drive to the store.

Like Melissa said, we are not going to push you out the door if you do not want to go out. Some people like the inside being safe in their mind or do not have a drive to out outside enfemme. There is nothing wrong with that. If you want to go out we are willing to lend a hand.

Anne we see your struggles in your posts about wanting to go out enfemme. You first need to answer the question of "Do you want to go out the door enfemme?". Do not generalize all of the bad that may happen and do not blame others. Just answer the question. If the answer is no then just enjoy your femme time inside your house. If the answer is yes, then wait for some sunshine, watch the traffic, and go to the grocery store, mall, maybe the ice cream store enfemme. My experience is what is on the other side of the door in my mind was a lot different from the reality. Enjoy the sunshine.

kimberlys

[Amanda R]

You first need to answer the question of "Do you want to go out the door enfemme?".

Thank you Kim, couldn't have put it better myself.

Anne the question Kim poses is one only you can answer and until you resolve that you will forever be caught in a confused, depressed state. It is not a difficult question and only requires a yes or no answer. Personally I surmise I know the answer however until you are ready to admit that answer first to yourself and then others you will continue to be caught in a never ending spiral.

I know there are 100's of reasons or maybe better put excuses you or anyone can give as to why you do not open that door, step into the sunlight, and introduce the Anne to the world. I am sure every other girl who is now out has used every one you can think of and then some but they overcame them. Few things worth having are easy and yes there are always possible consequences but all those can be overcome. Everyone is here to support you in whatever you decide and help you in every way we can but like with an alcoholic no one can help you until you are ready to be helped.

The question is simple Anne. Are you ready to walk through that door and into the sunlight or can you be happy hidden away from view in the closet? No one will think less of you either way you choose but no one can help you until you decide.

[Anne Bonny]

Melissa... have not come across you on here before...your picture is very pretty...I have probably heard this many times before but for some reason you are the one who has finally gotten through to me. You are right I have to decide the right path for my life, no one else can choose this for me. I am much more open than I have ever been, gee I have two very complete wardrobes which are both very satisfactory...little scant on jewelry but make up, how I groom and care for myself. I also have a wide network of people in my inner circle who know I am like this including my sons, and one of my sister's, a Niece of my deceased wife who also knew and as I say many others. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist...primarily from all the losses I have suffered, but my gender is also in there. At home I dress however I choose or feel inside.

You are right I will stop blaming the world around me, culture, religion, etc...society. As you say the choice is mine and until I find the inner fortitude and courage ...at age 62 currently... to leave my house to walk about openly before everybody in the world ...they are not the ones to blame...just as I have heard when pointing a finger of blame at others there are three pointing right back at myself!

I will stop blaming other people for my own fear and cowardice ... I do not want to lose the regard of a neighbor, or of the remaining sister who has no idea but who is quite devout and conservative politically. Or of people in the dance community I am friends with who are who knows. I do not want to lose the very few people that I have left in life after losing a wife, mother, father, grand mother and a brother in law in the last decade who were all there and I am not inclined socially. I am struggling to rebuild contact with people...I suppose I fear losing everyone would be unbearable to me...it's bad enough now...but it is my own choice, and I must place the blame squarely on myself.

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Anne,

I've read your posts several years now. A wonderful caregiver to your wife, sorry for her passing. You surely have the need to present as female in public. What's holding you back? I thought you had made that decision long ago. You don't have to announce to the neighborhood, just slip out and go shopping. My dear husband finally got the courage at age 52.

Put on your best face and outfit and enjoy life!

Eileen

[Amanda R]

Anne, Eileen has some good thoughts here and would give you an opportunity to gauge other's reactions to your femme side. That said as I and others have told you before do not let anyone talk you into or out of what you want. The choice is yours, the door is there but the final decision to go through it has to be what you want.