I have gone the gammit of emotions. Two nights ago my wife messaged my oldest son, and asked him if he thought I would be willing to compromise the crossdressing thing. He came in to ask me, which of course she knew he would. I told him of course. It was my intention to return to the workforce someday, and it is very likely I will have to compromise. I already compromise for my kids. Making sure thier friends or friends parents don't see me dressed.
So he went back and told her I would. This relay went on for a while with a few more questions. So I called her. She said that she really made a huge mistake, that she was completely broken. She wanted to come home, but was afraid a reconciliation would be impossible because I would always throw this affair in her face. I told her I would come and get her right now. She said she had to tie up financial loose ends with her boyfriend. and she would be finished with training Thursday and would be off on Friday and we could meet and make a deal.
She said that she just started this really good job at JCPenny in management and it really paid good, and she had to go to work the next day to finish training, then perhaps she could transfer to a JCPenny closer to our house. We talked about mistakes we both had made, and how bad we had both hurt our children as a result.
She said she needed to think about it, and talk to her after work the next day. I agreed. But after I spoke to her and thought about our situation, I could not get it out of my head that she was in another man's bed.
So I wrote her an email at 3:30 AM telling her that we had huge issues, including my crossdressing, her being off her anti-depressants. Her refusal to get counseling either individually or marital.
I told her that I was very concerned that she was just going to get me to drop my divorce suit so she could later divorce me and get better terms.
I told her that that two of our three children were very scared about her coming home, because they did not want the fighting to continue, and liked the new loving each other attitude I have been promoting.
I reminded her that she was still at another man's home, and in his bed, and for all I knew just got done having sex with him.
I told her that I was a crossdresser and would never give that up, and would not be shamed for it, and that she was going to have to accept it, learn about it, and deal with. I also told her that I would be willing to make some compromise so she could have time with the "man" she married. I assured her that it did not make her gay to be in love with a crossdresser.
I reminded her of all her bad deeds, which took some time. I told her that I had just offered her that chance of a lifetime, and she said she had to think about it. I told her if she needed to think about it, I was not interested. She had to want it. She had to want me. She had to want me bad enough to accept me. That she was having a mid life crisis and she was going to have to admit that she was not only not going to get what she wanted, but it was turning out nothing like she imagined it would.
I told her that if we were to reunite, she could not spend one more night with her boyfriend. I know, I should not be telling her what to do. I should not be telling anyone what to do. But I wanted to test her. I wanted to see how serious she was. Would she just leave, and stiff her boyfriend? Would she be willing to burn that bridge?
She called me the next morning and said she had to leave for work, but really wanted to talk this out about how we could reconcile. She would call me after work.
She called me around 5:00 PM and said that she had one more day of training, but she did not know her schedule because her boss left, but she was going to have to return to work and work a few more hours, and her schedule would be posted after that. She would call me when she got back and tell me when we could meet because it was not going to happen tonight because she would not be off work until 11:00 PM and she would have to be at work again the next morning.
She said that she would pack up her stuff and come home after work. She still would not say the words "I love you", she was staying another night at her boyfriends, and she made sure to tell me not to expect to just jump into bed with her, it was going to take some time. The last thing she said was "be wearing boy clothes when I get there"
When I got off the phone I told my oldest son that mom was coming home, and that I was upset that she still would not say that she loved me. I told him about her staying one more night at her boyfriends even though I said that could not happen and that she told me not to expect to have sex with her. I also told him what she said about not being dressed when she got here.
He looked at me as if I were a mental case and said "why would you agree to that? That is what you had when she left".
The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I was so excited about us getting back together that I totally compromised everything I said I would not, to a point of it making me resentful, and she was not even home yet.
So I wrote her another email and told her to forget it. Not to come home. I told her that I had a good deal in the divorce, and I would have to compromise nothing. That she needed to get it though her head that I am a crossdresser, I am going to dress, and I not going to change. She was the mother of my children, and she was going to have to deal with it.
I again reminded her of what a crappy deal she got, and not to call me when her truck broke down. Not to call me to get the kids until I knew where she lived, her phone number, her employers phone number, and the names of any people who might come in contact with my children.
I recapped the terms of the divorce, and reminded her what she gave up to stay with her boyfriend.
She called me the next morning early and said "I can't come home?" and I said "no, you are just playing a manipulation game, and I am not playing no more." I told her how it was a test, that I could never have a relationship with her if I had to worry about her boyfriend. She had to cut ties, and burn the bridge so she could never return. And that I felt she was really just setting it up so she could return if she had to. That she had not burned the bridge, and I could not get back together with her.
She said that the truth was that she was really scared. That I tricked her into not filing a response to my divorce suit, and that she was afraid she was going to quit her job, burn the bridge with her boyfriend who really was just a good friend who helped her out, and they only had sex one time. When she first left me and was vulnerable. She was afraid that when she got back here, I was going to turn her away leaving her with no where to go, because I had been so mean in the terms of the divorce.
I told her that I had in fact told her not to listen to paralegals, and that what I told her was that if she lawyered up, I would represent myself and file motion after motion, I would depose all of her internet friends and empoyees, and that while I was quite experienced with representing myself in court, she was not and would run up a huge bill. What I actually said was "if you file a response you are not going to change the outcome, it is just going to cost you a lot of money."
I reminded her of her behavior which for sure was not in our childrens interests, and that, that is all judges care about. I told her that once it was clear we were getting divorced, I was going to get the best deal for me, and that in fact I told her that was what I was going to do, before she left.
I told her before she left "If you are going to leave me after 20 years of devotion and give me the hard [f-word], I will use every legal means at my disposal to give you the hard [f-word]. I know how to use the legal sytem, I am not afraid of it." I reminded her of several legal cases during my business where I represented my company against people who hired lawyers, and I still won.
She said it was not like that, that she had to have this job because we needed the money, but she would call in sick and come home while her boyfriend was at work. I told her I would not agree to not be dressed, and that she would have to agree to counseling, both marital and individual. That she would have to go back on her antidepressants. And that she would have to be emotionally aviailable to me, and vulnerable to me. Because that is what creates the trust between two people.
So she is here. And it is like a new woman. She is giving her love to me, and me to her, and both of us to our kids. I took her to lunch but put boy clothes on first. I still had my jewelry, my nails polished dark red, girls shoes, girls wallet. She said that I can wear what I want, go where I want, take the kids with me while dressed if they want to go with me, but that when I went out with her, I would have to be her man. She said I could still wear nail polish while out with her as long as I toned it down from the red I currently had on, I could still wear my earrings, but the girls watch and bracelet had to go when I with her. She also said I could take my girls wallet when out with her. She said that i needed to wear toed shoes when with her because the toenail polish embarrassed her. She then asked me about wearing black nail polish when I am out with her, as I have always been a rock and roll muscian and that would not embarrass her at all. I told her I would consider it, but I really am not into goth.
We decided to go and get the kids school clothes because JCPenny was having this huge sale, and she got another 20% off because of her employee status, but we had to do it before she quit, which meant, today.
She then realized she left all her makeup. So? She used mine. She had no problem at all using it, but said "I hope you dont have liquid eyeliner?" I assured her I did not. She did tell me not to buy cheap eyeliner pencils because of the way her eyes were it maked up her upper lid. I took that to mean we would be doing a lot more sharing, which really made me happy.
We all went out shopping, her , me, the kids. I wore boy clothes, but kept my red nail polish, and my girls wallet. And when I paid, there were my beautiful nails for all to see. It was still great. We held hands, we hugged, we kissed, it was just like it used to be. We were both trying to make each other happy, and it has been a long time since that happened. We put our wedding rings back on.
What I am about to share with all of you is very personal, and at first I was not going to share it. But it is so important to what is happening to me, I decided I must.
I have had a spiritual awakening. While in the Hospital I talked to a counselor there who had been sexually and physically abused as a child. She said she had spent her life with no self esteem, went from one abusive relationship to another. She said she finally broke the cycle in her late 40's with a 12 step program.
Now I have helped several people get off drugs and alcohol, so I am familar with 12 step. But because I was not an alcoholic or drug addict I never considered it for myself. But after hearing her story, I started thinking about it. My life was unmanageble, but I did not beleive in any god to help me. So how could it work for me?
So I went to my brothers house who I helped get off cocain and attended many AA meetings with during his time of crisis and told him of my thoughts about possibly using 12 steps to get my life back, just as he had, and what did he think about me trying this?
He thought it was a great idea, and gave me "the big book" And "The 12 steps and traditions of AA. " The later book takes you through each step, and it tells you how to do it. Even if you are a smart person who does not beleive in god.
I thought it was important to share with my wife what happened to me, so I included it in my email to her.
I am sure many of you have seen a dramatic change in my attitude, a lot of you have commented on it. While I am not "cured" and am still only in the infancy of my program. I would also like to share it with you all, my other family, because I have indeed had a spiritual awakening.
I know many of you have seen me say I do not beleive in "God", and I may not beleive in any particular religions "God", but I know there is a power greater than me, that guides my life and protects me and that is a big part of the reason I have tried to live a good life. So I do believe in God, as I understand him and it is he/her/it who controls the universe, not me.Elizabeth wrote in email to wife:
Step 1
Admitted we were powerless over the source of our troubles and admitted that our lives have become unmanageable.
I am powerless over my illness, I am powerless over my cross-dressing, I am powerless over my relationships with those I love, and my life has become unmanageable.
It was so hard to me to admit that, but it got me to step 2.
Step 2
Come to believe there was a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity.
I have talked many times about unexplained luck. About feeling like I was going to be lucky to the point of counting on it. My ego allowed me to just blow it off as getting lucky because of positive energy. But no matter what, where does the positive energy come from? Why is it that everytime I have needed something to happen, it has? Why did I refuse to acknowledge this? Because I wanted to take credit for it. Even though inside I knew I had nothing to do with it. Once I let go of my ego, step two was easy.
Step 3
Turn our will and care of our lives over to our higher power.(God) as we understood him
Once I was honest with myself, and realized that I controlled nothing anyway, this was easy, because he already had control it, It was just a matter of admitting it.
Step 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
I guess I am still on this one. and perhaps I always will be. But it is about being honest, about what we have done wrong, first with ourselves.
That is as far as I have gotten. But I am going to continue. I was advised by my woman counselor at the hospital that 12 step programs work for those who do not have drug or alcohol problems. She was a victim of child abuse, both physical and sexual. She never took drugs, nor had an alcohol addiction. She did not go to college until she was 50. She got her life back through 12 steps.
In the hospital I hit rock bottom. I wanted to be dead. What did I have to lose? I seen 12 step programs work. But I was not a drug addict, or an alcoholic. Not having to make all the decisions involved in trying to control the future is quite liberating.
Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to one human being, the exact nature of our wrongs
I guess I got out of order, because I have no more secrets.Not just one human being, but many know of all my wrongs. I have admitted these to myself, and to god.
I am sorry this is so long, but I could see no other way to tell this story.
I love all of you, your strength has been my strength, your wisdom has been my wisdom, your optomism has been my optomism, and my dreams are your dreams.
Love always,
Elizabeth
