this woman walked into a bar and asked for two double whiskys. she drank one and poured the other down her panties,much to the amazement of the barman.
after she did the same thing 3 more times, the barmans curiousity got the better of him.
'excuse me love' he said 'but you've bought 8 double whiskys, drunk 4 and poured the others down your panties....why?'
'well' she replied 'I've just won the Lotto, and thats the only c*nt who's getting a drink from me'.
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a 7 year old boy tells his teacher during class that he saw a dead cat on the way to school.
'how do you know it was dead?' asked the teacher 'it might just have been asleep'.
'I knew it was dead cos I pissed in its ear, miss' the little boy replied
'you did what? pissed in its ear?' exclaimed the teacher.
'yes miss..I leant over and went 'psst' in its ear but it didnt move'
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Eloise Goth
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THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
And you thought I was dead.
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Carolynn
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Carolynn
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Ooooo- knocked the "pulp" outa that one, Lorna!!! 
Ok, for future reference:
> > Smart-backside Answer #1: A flight attendant was stationed
> > at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
> > approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
> > he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
> > missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your
> > ticket, not your stub."
and
THE TEACHER Smart-backside Answer OF THE YEAR!
> > A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
> > final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
> > for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
> > nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> > illness, or a death in your immediate family but
> > that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-backside
> > guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
> > "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
> > from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The
> > entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
> > and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
> > smiles authentically at the student, shakes her ZZZhead,
> > and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
> > the exam with your other hand."
PUT DOWN CITEEEEE!!!!
Maybe these will inspire you to find similar ones for your critics!!!
>
Ok, for future reference:
> > Smart-backside Answer #1: A flight attendant was stationed
> > at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
> > approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
> > he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
> > missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your
> > ticket, not your stub."
and
THE TEACHER Smart-backside Answer OF THE YEAR!
> > A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
> > final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
> > for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
> > nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
> > illness, or a death in your immediate family but
> > that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-backside
> > guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
> > "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
> > from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The
> > entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
> > and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
> > smiles authentically at the student, shakes her ZZZhead,
> > and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
> > the exam with your other hand."
PUT DOWN CITEEEEE!!!!
Maybe these will inspire you to find similar ones for your critics!!!
>
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Eloise Goth
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Eloise Goth
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Beauty
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The classic:
Johnny walks into class late and sits down.
"Mind telling us why you're late, Johnny?" The teacher inquires.
"Oh, I'm awful sorry 'bout that ma'am. You see, I was up late last night because I had to take pa to the emergency room. Mule done kicked him in the backside."
"Rectum," She corrected.
"Wrecked 'em? It damn near killed 'em!"
Johnny walks into class late and sits down.
"Mind telling us why you're late, Johnny?" The teacher inquires.
"Oh, I'm awful sorry 'bout that ma'am. You see, I was up late last night because I had to take pa to the emergency room. Mule done kicked him in the backside."
"Rectum," She corrected.
"Wrecked 'em? It damn near killed 'em!"
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Sally
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the bad jokes thread
Little Mary and Johnny were in grade three at the same school. Johnny was a right proper little scoundrel who loved teasing the girls. One day Mary was playing in her front yard when Johhny walked by with his football under his arm. He shouted out to Mary, " Ha ha, you can't have one of these because you're a girl and girls can't have footballs."
This upset Mary greatly, so she ran crying inside to her mother to tell her what he said.
Next day as Johnny walked by he saw Mary playing in her front yard with a brand new football, which upset him greatly and got him thinking how to upset her again.
Next day Johnny rode past Mary's on his bike and as he did he called out, " Ha ha ha, you can't have one of these because you're a girl"
With that Mary ran inside crying again to tell her mother what he said.
Next day as Johnny passed Marys he saw her in her front yard with a brand new bicycle and this really got his dander up, so he walked up to the gate, pulled his pants down and flashed at Mary saying, " Ha ha ha, you can't have one of these because you're a girl, ha ha ha, and this time it's no good running to your Mum because she can't help you this time."
With that Mary started crying and ran inside to her mother. She came out a few minutes later with a big grin on her face, walked up to Johnny, pulled up her dress and said to him, " My Mum said that because I've got one of these, one day I'll be able to get as many of those as I want, ha ha ha ha ha ha."
This upset Mary greatly, so she ran crying inside to her mother to tell her what he said.
Next day as Johnny walked by he saw Mary playing in her front yard with a brand new football, which upset him greatly and got him thinking how to upset her again.
Next day Johnny rode past Mary's on his bike and as he did he called out, " Ha ha ha, you can't have one of these because you're a girl"
With that Mary ran inside crying again to tell her mother what he said.
Next day as Johnny passed Marys he saw her in her front yard with a brand new bicycle and this really got his dander up, so he walked up to the gate, pulled his pants down and flashed at Mary saying, " Ha ha ha, you can't have one of these because you're a girl, ha ha ha, and this time it's no good running to your Mum because she can't help you this time."
With that Mary started crying and ran inside to her mother. She came out a few minutes later with a big grin on her face, walked up to Johnny, pulled up her dress and said to him, " My Mum said that because I've got one of these, one day I'll be able to get as many of those as I want, ha ha ha ha ha ha."
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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Eloise Goth
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two friends were talking in a bar.
the first guy turns to the other and says 'I'm really worried..I've got a green ring round the base of my penis'
his friend says 'oh, thats nothing to worry about-I had a red one..went to the doctors and he wiped it off straight away'
feeling reassured, the first guy went to the doctors, and showed him the ring, expecting him to wipe it off.
the doctor looks at it for a moment or two, then looks at the guy and says 'I'm sorry, but I'll have to amputate your penis'
the man was obviously shocked at this 'but...but...but..when my friend came to you with a red ring on his, you just wiped it off'
'true'said the doctor 'but his was lipstick, and yours in gangrene'.
the first guy turns to the other and says 'I'm really worried..I've got a green ring round the base of my penis'
his friend says 'oh, thats nothing to worry about-I had a red one..went to the doctors and he wiped it off straight away'
feeling reassured, the first guy went to the doctors, and showed him the ring, expecting him to wipe it off.
the doctor looks at it for a moment or two, then looks at the guy and says 'I'm sorry, but I'll have to amputate your penis'
the man was obviously shocked at this 'but...but...but..when my friend came to you with a red ring on his, you just wiped it off'
'true'said the doctor 'but his was lipstick, and yours in gangrene'.
And you thought I was dead.
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Lorna
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Lorna
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Tracy wrote:The classic:
Johnny walks into class late and sits down.
"Mind telling us why you're late, Johnny?" The teacher inquires.
"Oh, I'm awful sorry 'bout that ma'am. You see, I was up late last night because I had to take pa to the emergency room. Mule done kicked him in the backside."
"Rectum," She corrected.
"Wrecked 'em? It damn near killed 'em!"
LOL!!!
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
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Carolynn
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Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the contry. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since the accomodations were limited, he was required to sleep in the same bed as his young nephew Johnny. When he went into the bedroom, he saw Johnny on his knees with his head bowed, and thinking the lad was saying his good night prayers, he decided to set a good example and follow suit. He knelt on the other side of the bed from Johnny and bowed his head.
Johnny looked across the bed at him and said "Hey, whatcher' doin?" His uncle replied, "Same thing your doin'".
Johnny looked at him, and said "Well momma's gonna be mad at you!!"
"Why should she be?", asked the honestly puzzled Abner.
" "Cause the pots on my side of the bed", replied the lad.
Johnny looked across the bed at him and said "Hey, whatcher' doin?" His uncle replied, "Same thing your doin'".
Johnny looked at him, and said "Well momma's gonna be mad at you!!"
"Why should she be?", asked the honestly puzzled Abner.
" "Cause the pots on my side of the bed", replied the lad.
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born