To answer a member's questions about me...

[Allena]

Hi Allena,

Welcome to the board.

Congrats on finally deciding to confide in your wife about your CDing. It is definitely taking the next step towards total acceptance of self!!!

When did you decide that now was the time? What made you decide?

Have you thought about how are you going to do it?

Please remember to be very careful because she won't see this coming. You've known for years but she'll only know for moments after you tell her.

I don't want to be a downer because I think telling your wife is one of the best things you could ever do for you and your relationship with her. I saying this only because lots of us have gone before you, so we may be able to offer you some advice.

My wife knows, but it wasn't super easy and her reactions . . . well, I could have anticipated if I'd known about some things other learned from telling their wives.

Thanks again for joining us!! You sound like you had a fun weekend.

Beauty

When did I decide that now was the time?
It's been recent. I've been spending more time in the past few months visiting the more helpful websites about crossdressing.
I finally decided to make me some "breasts" out of stocking and flax seed. Thankfully, I made them on the smallish side instead of the too large side
My wife had some old underwear that she didn't use anymore, but were perfect for me to don without the guilt of wearing her intimates.
I did have to borrow a dress and slip, until my first foray into a thrift store for a "Holloween" costume. I had a really fun and helpful stranger help me pick out a dress. She even found it amusing that I planned on not shaving my beard.

After my very first day spent at home in the feminine clothing, just doing bills, housework and reading, I came to understand how nice it felt to be doing this.
It was the first time in my life I didn't attach my "seedy" sexual proclivities to crossdressing. To say I was Stunned!, Relieved!, and Happy!, is truly an understatement.
I finally was able to dispense with the "commonly held" notions about crossdressers, and go with my true feelings about myself.
Well, with that burden off my shoulders, I realized I had to take action in a more positive way for myself and my family.
That's when I decided I had to learn more about the non-porn image/reality of crossdressing, and following that, come out to my wife.

As I mentioned in another post, early on in the beginning of our relationship 13 years ago, I explained (tearfully and with much trepidation ) that I had been dressing in women's clothing...well...basically that I had no memories of my life in which I didn't long for and actively crossdress. I also mentioned my brief experimentation with homosexualism. I don't remember specifically what I said then, but I'm sure I assured her that all those things were in my past.

My wife understands that I have MAJOR issues regarding family (mom,dad, sisters) and that I've been struggling with other personal issues, but I'm not sure if she has ever wondered about me donning her clothing.
We have discussed in general terms how I am more likely to be the one in our relationship that is open to "new" things sexually, but nothing "racy" or "weird" has been discussed much.

I know she is accepting of male homosexuals, and she deals with teenagers regarding health and some mental issues;she seems very caring and concerned about these.

Based upon that and my own growing anxiety over this issue, I decided that since we mutually agreed to seek marriage counselling because of communication issues, I would open up to her.

The other question..."Have you thought about how you are going to do it?";
Reading several excellent websites on this very topic (here, Dixie's, and others), I decided on a course of action.

I've printed several articles and letters concerning crossdressing and a wife's reaction and put them into a folder for my wife.

Today (1pm to be exact, and after a dentist appointment ), I will go see our counselor by myself. I plan on taking her a copy of these same papers, and discussing this whole issue with her.
Then, tonight at 6pm, my wife and I have this week's session together.
This is when I plan on sharing the fact that I have not been truthful to her, and that I am still crossdressing. I hopefully will get out that I understand more about this now and many of MY fears and misunderstandings have been finally dealt with. I will shut-up and invite her to express her feelings and ask me any questions she wants.
I would like to have the opportunity to assure her that although I plan on living with this side of me in a more healthy manner, I will do so in concert with her feelings and input.
The last thing I want is for her to worry that I'm going to parade about the house in drag and/or maybe out in town (small town, logging community, etc. :| ). This may come about in the future, but for now just coming out is such a gift to me!

Anyway, I believe she will be understanding but then that's probably what every man has ever wanted.
We have a daughter approaching her teen years, and that is an issue I want my wife and I to approach together. I want to help my daughter understand this part of me so she doesn't accidently happen upon it one day unprepared. I want our daughter to learn openess about other people, before she is exposed to other people's fears and prejudices.

Well, the Dentist's office called and I can go in a bit early so I'm on my way to get a couple of teeth worked on...WHAT FUN!

I owe so much to the many men and women that have contributed to these types of outlets...THANK YOU ALL, and I'll let you know how it goes.

I plan on pacing this exposure according to my wife's desires. I feel very well informed about not pushing the issue to hard/fast. I've done this once before in another relationship before I fully understood it all myself, and that ended in disaster. I am facing that fact that I am possibly fixing to hurt someone in a way that is almost unbearable to me...almost, because I have come to believe that continuing to evade/hide/lie about this would bring a greater/deeper hurt to myself, my wife and my daughter.
I've got to believe that what I am doing is right. I've got to believe that everything I've ever learned about the truth is correct and that I can do nothing better for anyone than to come out with all of this.

Rambling now, part of it is probably not wanting to go to the dentist...part of it is wanting to keep talking...

Bye!

[CJ]

Hi Allena,

My heart and soul are with you. Godspeed.

Oh, and good luck at the dentist's! :-&

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

Hi Allena,

Wow. You've really put lots of thought and planning in your decision.

I think it was a great idea to involve a therapist. To be honest, that's another first for me. I've never heard anyone doing that before. What a great and caring idea.

My heart is kind of in my throat as I wait to hear how it went. I hope it went really well.

You telling her 13 years ago and being so upfront should pay dividends.

Again congrats on your very thoughtful planning. I was really floored to read how much planning you'd gone through in preparation for this day. Your wife is really fortunate to have such a caring hubby.

Read from you soon. Hopefully it'll be great news!!

Beauty

[Allena]

I'm back, still at home, and still talking with my wife!
First, I went to the therapist by myself. That was a GREAT move!
I actually didn't have that part planned out until almost the last moment.
I frantically called her to see if there was any way possible to see her before our joint session. She had called Monday to say she had the afternoon appointment that I took.
Having been to other folks about my life's issues, I have to say, "right time, right person"!
I've always had this fear that a woman therapist might "take sides" with my female partners and condemn me for the things I tell them. It actually has never been that way though, but it's just part of the fear and anxiety of talking about everything all over again.

So, my personal session went well and I now had renewed confidence in what I was going to do that evening.

Well, when we sat down on the couch together, I turned to my wife and said, "I would like to start first tonight, I have something to say, something to share with you.". She gave a slightly surprised look, smiled and said to go ahead.
I reminded her of how I discussed my past with her when our relationship was just beginning. Next, I proceeded to tell her that I felt I had been lying to her and that I had never stopped crossdressing.
Since she works as a professional in the medical field, she kinda went into this "this is unpleasent, but I have to deal with it" mode like she would if dealing with an emotionally difficult case. Basically, I didn't get any, "I'm so sorry to hear about the enormous stress you've been through. I'm glad you finally came out...".
Then again, I really didn't expect this to be easy for her and I think she handled it amazingly well.

I will never know how hard this hit her, much the same as she'll never know what I've been through all my life. I am now trying to remind myself and accept that there are going to be times when she might seem/sound cold and distant to me, but inside she's working on what this means to her life.
To say I "lost it" last night at the session, doesn't do the scene justice.
I'm a guy that has always been able to cry at a movie. During our arguments over the years, I've shed some tears. But last night, I was over-wrought. I've never felt like that before in my life;at least not in front of anyone. When I started talking about how I knew I had messed up another relationship and that I just knew it was over, I heard my wife tell me that that's NOT what was happening, and no one had said anything about me failing.
She sounded angry that I was taking such a defeatest attitude towards this whole thing. I don't know, but I wonder if she felt I was accusing her of giving up on me....sorta blaming it on her?
Why oh why does life have to be so difficult?

Anyway, since we came in different cars, she went home while I spent another half-an-hour (we have a great therapist!), getting myself back together.
When I arrived home, my daughter was finishing some homework, and my wife was in the kitchen cooking up dinner. I had prepped the salad and greens earlier, so there wasn't that much left to do.

Amazingly (or perhaps not) we had a really nice family meal with all the usual banter and joking. As usual, my wife went to bed with our daughter (we all usually climb into her loft and read before my daughter goes to sleep...Harry Potter 5 is the current book) to read, but this time I went straight to bed...I was TIRED!
Later in the night, my wife came to bed and I ventured out to gently touch her with my hand. This has always been my "test" to see if the women in my relationships are angry with me or not.
She didn't pull away, so I was relieved.
I found her early this morning downstairs on the couch, asleep with the folder of printed material I gave her at the session. I hope she read the material and I hope she will have questions for me. I do really want to answer every question I can for her.

SO, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that this did indeed turn out to be the best thing I could have done.
Certainly if I had realized all my feelings at the beginning of our relationship and told her, that would have been much better, but reality is that everything waited until yesterday.

For me, I plan on being happy when I dressup and I plan to never again look down upon myself like I have for all my life. THAT'S a tall order!

I can now be truthful with my wife in a way that I hadn't been before, and I believe, no matter what, that this will make our lives better as well as the life of our daughter.

As I mentioned earlier, I do want our daughter to know about this side of me. I don't want her to learn about the differences of people from the more intolerant folks she's liable to meet up with in her young years. Unless 13 years has given me NO insight to my wife, I don't think she will ever "use" this against me. Now that I'm "out", I know that I will never be ashamed of this secret again. The town I live in probably thinks I'm different anyway because of the other things I do and say, but I get along with most everyone really well, so if this part of me ever came out publicly, I think I (we?) could weather it well.

THIS WAS A LONG ONE! SORRY!

[CJ]

Hi Allena,

No, it wasn't a long post (what's three or four minutes' reading time when the whole life of a person goes into the writing of it?). I want to thank you for the post...I'm still crying, as a matter of fact...Boy, oh boy, I need to get a grip, here... ...okay...

There's such gentle and honest tenderness in your story of your coming out to your wife that it makes my heart swell ...boy, I'm having trouble, here... it makes my heart swell: I feel like hugging the entire world! (I'm looking for an emoticon that'll do justice to what I'm feeling right now--there aren't any.) .....

Let me just thank you from the bottom of my heart for the post, Allena. You've given this sometimes too cynical girl a much renewed admiration and respect and love for the oh so fragile beauty of who we are....

I really, really hope that this revelation will eventually strengthen the bonds between you and your wife. You both sound like wonderful, loving, and caring people. Just make sure that you give her the time she needs to learn to see you in this new light and to cope with the possible sense of betrayal she may be feeling right now. You are becoming who you are, Allena. Pleased to meet you all over again.

Love,
CJ

P.S.
How're the teeth? :|

[CJ]

Hi Allena and Beauty,

"...one bird with two stones":

Allena wrote: I can now be truthful with my wife in a way that I hadn't been before, and I believe, no matter what, that this will make our lives better as well as the life of our daughter.

Beauty wrote: Today is when her new life and your new relationship with her start again. I only said new because now you're together. No lies, no deceit only honesty.

Love,
CJ

[Beauty]

Good morning Allena,

I didn't get emotional over your story. I don't know why. It didn't make me cry, but it was really an eye opening post.

It wasn't sad to me. It was... why is this so hard to describe? It was...powerful in showing the challenges of coming out.

What you did is of heroic proportions. The thoughts you put into this, the waiting you had to do, the preparation and planning you'd done, and lastly you posting before and after on the web.

The thoughts you put into this were very well planned. Because you took all of the time you did, it will really allow you to think clearly as you encounter behaviors or actions you didn't expect.

Planning like you did will help you find information she may need. It will give you answers for questions she may have and not just answers, but an understanding of what and when an SO will go through different behaviors.

Was posting before and after on the web great therapy for you? Fortunately it was a great "How to do this right" guide for others who are planning on telling their SOs. Allena, what you've done was really executed so well. I can't give you enough kudos!

I'm also anxious honestly, of the change you're going to experience. This is a turbulent stage of growth for your relationship, you, and your immediate family. I'm not afraid for you, just perhaps over worried about waiting for your wife to accept this totally. That will take time, but I'm still anxious.

From reading from other women who've accepted their husbands, we know she is now wondering about her whole life with you. She's questioning quite a few things now.

KathyGG, on the CDDF board, stated she's always wanted to dress up men in women's clothes. Most women don't know how to handle this change in their "man". Very few go, "HURRAY" like she did... darn it!

My prayers and hopes are with you as you both grow in your relationship and closer together.

You took some very important actions last night. You had a normal night at home and didn't talk about this anymore. You went to bed and made a loving gesture by reaching out to touch her. Lastly you woke up and found her reviewing what you gave her to read. These were all the little things that will make your wife's transition into the wife of a CD less turbulent.

Cheering section for your wife
I believe you said you'd had (a) male/male sexual experience(s). This "may" be an additional burden for her that some women don't have to face when finding out about their SO's other half. You will be the first person I've read who came out to their SO and had also told their SO about previous homosexual relations.

This will be kind of like the other foot dropping. I would say there is a high probability when she gets past the "Ok, I can handle this." She is going to get angry for a bit. She has a right to. I hope she lets it out and doesn't keep it in. It would be healthy for her to be angry with you about not telling her. If I were her I'd think, "Why did he tell me about his past experiences but wait this long to tell me something this important?", "What have I done to not deserve his trust?", "Why did you lie to me?"

Part of me is going, "STOP TYPING THIS!!! Allena NEEDS POSITIVE SUPPORT!!" but I just don't feel it's right to only talk about the sunny skies when you've entered the dark sky days. Please don't take anything I'm saying as negative. If I didn't care I wouldn't type all of this.

I guess it's that you've taken all of this time. You've done so much and you are now FREE! Your freedom = some very hard work. You must now go back and free your wife. To do this, you are going to have to delay your expressions of freedom for a short while. You know inside you've been honest so that can't ever be turned back.

Now, in fairness, it's all about your wife. As a former closeted CD you have a lot to make up for. You owe her a lot. I think by taking all of the careful steps you've taken she will one day SOON see how attentive you were to her during her time of change.

Today is when her new life and your new relationship with her start again. I only said new because now you're together. No lies, no deceit only honesty.
End Cheering Section

If you're still reading this. I have some questions for you Allena. Please don't feel obligated to post answers to them though.

What will you do now? What have you thought about now that you've told her?

Congratulations again for taking this huge step!!!

Oh, one more thing. No way was your post too long!! (this one was!!)

I wish you the best!!

Beauty

[Sara]

Hello, Allena:

My heart has been in my throat following your story. I so admire your courage. We'll all be thinking of you as you explore this newfound openness. Please don't be discouraged by setbacks--I've been there and found that maybe love can't conquer all, but it goes a long, long way.

Love,

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi Alena,

I don't really have much to add, but I wanted to let you know that there is yet another girl here who is 100% in your corner. What you did is incredibly brave, incredibly risky, and you put a lot of caring, thought, planning, and compassion into it.

You may not see right now how well it went. You're feeling your wife's pain (which speaks very highly of you, girl!) and your own fears. The positive side will only come out with time.

I hope you remind (past, present, and future) your wife just how much you love her, how much she means to you, how wonderful it is that you can trust her with such a truth! Someone pointed out a long time ago to my wife and me that real love isn't a feeling--it's a decision and a whole lot of actions, most of them small, that add up to communicating that love!

You have made a decision for love, against fear. WOW!!!!!!!

You've also discovered a little bit of what happens when you begin to take the fear out of crossdressing. You'll never fear her finding you dressed, and you being in BIG trouble with her again. What I call the "sick excitement" of the risk of being found out is starting to go. There are still some other issues (like daughter) to deal with before it is completely gone. But that is other adventures for the future!

Anyway, congratulations to both of you on doing a very difficult and noble thing! Please keep in touch with us here about what happens in the future. We care!!!

[Allena]

Hello again and THANK YOU ALL for the wonderful and thoughtful words.
The last couple of days have been INCREDIBLY stressful for me and I haven't felt like getting on the computer, nor doing much of anything else.

Here's the latest.

I had decided to follow the general advice I've found here and elsewhere, and give my wife some time to think about things.
I tried to be very helpful around the house, although I was gone a good part of the day, two different days helping a friend of ours with his business. He has been laid up longer than expected from surgery. One of the best things about living in a small town is the spirit of community whenever someone is in need. Unfortunately, this same spirit doesn't always happen for everyone here.

So, I found myself agonizing over what was going to happen in our lives. Specifically, I REALLY wanted to know about future physical and emotional contact with my wife.
I have to admit...I never thought I'd feel SO ALONE!
I'm talking specifically about having someone you love and care about, who can put their arm around you and give you comfort when you are sad.
I certainly wasn't getting that from my wife, and not from my daughter because we aren't going to tell her just yet. Besides, as sweet as children are when their parents are hurting, their shoulders should never bear the weight of an adult's grief.

Now, I realize and truly sympathize with my wife and what she has been handed so abruptly. So I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate her position here.
What I have come to find out though, is that the husband's pain and fear seem to be neglected.
Everything I remember reading stresses that the husband/boyfriend should tread lightly and be careful around his SO. Be actively concerned about her feelings.
What I don't remember reading is about the mental health of the CD.
As I mentioned, I am definitely alone, and for all practical purposes...still in the closet.
My wife has stated emphatically (and well within her rights) that she doesn't want to "see any of it". Basically I'm back to hiding my crossdressing. We have been able to finally talk more about her feelings and mine, but it's just an exchange of information sometimes with a bit of tension.
I'll preface my next comment with this;I TRULY Love my wife and it really does pain me to see her hurt and confused like this, but there are two people involved here.

So here's my comment, please see this for what it is...an observation...not a condemnation.

As I see it now, my wife has a host of family and friends to talk with if she so chooses. I suspect there is a great fear of embarrasement that would keep her from exposing this to anyone, although she has gone to her mother about other painful experiences in her life (and I LOVE my Mother-In-Law! In fact I love her whole family).
I suspect that if she did go to other people who are close to her, she would receive open arms and support.

In contrast, who can I go to? I told my family (Mother, Father, Sisters) years ago that I grew up with questions about my sexuality, and that I crossdressed during those years, etc. and what I got from them was nervous laughter and "Oh that's okay "allena", some people are just different". Then it was a "let's not talk about this anymore" kind of attitude.
My experience with telling other people went even worse.
I was in a relationship with another woman before my wife and I met. It was pretty stormy, but we had our tender times as well. When I came out to that woman, she at first all but drew away in disgust. I couldn't even accidently touch her in bed without her recoiling like something dirty had touched her. After the relationship ended, one of the mitigating factors was my crossdressing.

I grew up in West Texas, in the 60's. Real Redneck country.
From that experience, I learned that the general attitude was anyone who acted "different" was a faggot, queer, etc. and deserved to be shunned, ridiculed, and/or beaten to a bloddy pulp if possible.

So if you combine all this, I hope you have a picture of a man with a secret he desperately wants to tell someone...someone who will listen, accept, and support. This same man though has no one he can tell without expecting an indifferent attitude, rejection, aversion, or worse.
Although in reality, I knew my wife would be unlikely to fill the role of a supporter (again, I totally sympathize with her), I secretly hoped she would be that one-in-a-million type person and show me that what I am doing is not dirty, pathetic, perverted, etc.
I believe I'm not the only man here or elsewhere who is or has been alone during this time. I was alone with my secret for over thirty years.

It's this feeling of seclusion, a sort of solitary confinement if you will, that now makes my life almost unbearable at times.

-I just got back from dinner, btw, and we had another nice evening meal. My wife even shared a piece of bread I had bitten off of, so I now know she isn't afraid of my cooties ( a brief moment of joking).-

From our talk last night, I have learned some things:
1) She finds the idea that when I dress up I feel relaxed and comfortable, confusing. She wonders why I couldn't just relax without dressing up.
2) She is somewhat repulsed by the idea of me in women's clothing.
3) She does wonder where this will take me, i.e. wanting to go out in public dressed as a woman, etc.
4) She doesn't want to have any visual sign apparent that I crossdress. She doesn't want me to share the experience with her.
5) She does not want a divorce at the moment (italics are my emphasis and words)
6) She doesn't want any intimacy with me right now. We can touch, although she hasn't specified what touching does or does not include. This leaves me in a state of confusion and fear. I never know when/how/if I am going "over the line". When I do want to gently place my hand on her shoulder, arm, I'm nervous as hell and it's like feeling the burner on the stove to see if it's hot...slowly and carefully.
7) She has no problem with us sharing a bed.

After hearing all this, I decided that I would not get a moment's sleep if I were in the same bed with her. In trying not to offend her, I find I keep myself on "pins & needles". The two night we've slept together since my coming out, have been very stressful for me and I didn't sleep well at all.
If I were to keep that up, I'd be a wreck very soon!

I am now sleeping on our futon in the spare room/office. It's actually quite comfortable, so hopefully I'll get some decent sleep.

I'm going to post now since this is so long. I need to see what I've written.

[Allena]

Okay, Intermission is over!

Since my wife and I are having difficulty discussing details, I can only guess what she's feeling day-to-day. If it's anything like other wive's experiences I've read, she's going through her own private hell much like me.

In the immediacy, there are two lives swirling around this issue. Both partners are feeling pain, confusion, trepidation. Although there are outlets for each or both of them to utilize in finding an understanding about all this, neither party has a likely personal outlet as in family or very close friends that they can turn to.
I believe the original culprit and ultimate victim in this hurt-filled experience is our culture.
Intolerance, prejudice, hatred...these things have created an environment in which disclosures of a personal nature have to be very carefully scrutinized or else a person risks both their mental and physical health.
How sad it is for even ONE person to feel they have to hide any part of their character and in so doing, wind up presenting a very incomplete picture of who they really are.

Imagine an artist's canvas with a large blank spot in the very center of what might possibly be the most beautiful painting mankind will never know.
I think, we have all been that painting once in our lives...

[Alexandra]

We're all here wishing a good outcome for you two.

[Beauty]

Hi Allena,

Like Alexandra said, we're here with you.



Now, get your keister back into bed with your wife.

You have every right to feel the way you do, but you just dropped a ton of bricks on her. You can't turn away now and ask, "Is there any support for those who dropped a ton of bricks on people and feel guilty about it?" The answer is yes there are sites that support those who are coming out or who have come out. I just don't think (not that I'm Reverend Rightette) you should be concentrating on anything to do with you getting aid.

Your therapist will give support this week for how you feel.

You've shown how much you love yourself by ridding yourself of the lie you've been living in. What you did for yourself was the most caring thing anyone can do for themselves. In doing so though, you affected the most precious gift in your life, next to your child. There is plenty of time coming for you to heal. You must now be completely selfless and give your wife the attention she covets.

You've done so much right Allena. Don't let your own desire for support from someone take over your mind. Your wife needs you right now. This should be your main focus. She doesn't need Allena, but the man she married. There will time for you to lick your wounds later, but as the man of the household you have to take care of your wife.

Look at all the things your wife has done since you told her only a few days ago:

1) She finds the idea that when I dress up I feel relaxed and comfortable, confusing. She wonders why I couldn't just relax without dressing up.
2) She is somewhat repulsed by the idea of me in women's clothing.
3) She does wonder where this will take me, i.e. wanting to go out in public dressed as a woman, etc.
4) She doesn't want to have any visual sign apparent that I crossdress. She doesn't want me to share the experience with her.
5) She does not want a divorce at the moment (italics are my emphasis and words)
6) She doesn't want any intimacy with me right now. We can touch, although she hasn't specified what touching does or does not include. This leaves me in a state of confusion and fear. I never know when/how/if I am going "over the line". When I do want to gently place my hand on her shoulder, arm, I'm nervous as hell and it's like feeling the burner on the stove to see if it's hot...slowly and carefully.
7) She has no problem with us sharing a bed.

So many men would love to have this kind of acceptance. You described the last woman you told. It was completely the opposite. She treated you like a lepper, your wife is treating you like someone who is in love, but is waaaay confused.

Your wife's reactions were pretty normal. My wife expressed all of the same reactions your wife did. Tonight I was dressed when we fell asleep together. It's 3 years later. We didn't do that 3 days later. I hope this is making sense.

If my message is even slightly coming off like I'm yelling or preaching I ask you to re-read it as someone on their hands and knees pleeeading for you to wake up and see that this is not a nightmare it's a good dream.

How do you think your wife feels giving you those 7 signs of encouragement and you getting up and leaving the bed at night? That will push her away, not draw her in.

As, I said in my loooong post. These are the dark days, not the pretty days. There will be even more dark days ahead, but at least you don't have to worry about the storm coming. It's here now. Now that it's here, you should at least accept no storm lasts forever.

Perhaps the SO's here can shed some light on something I may be completely missing. Again, I'm not preaching, just pleading.

May peace and love be with you always,
Beauty

[RikkiOfLA]

Hi Allena,

Sounds like a miserably difficult time right now for both of you. Now that the weekend is here, it might be a good time to focus on other things that you can do together? I'm thinking of pleasant, easy things that will remind you both of how much you have at stake in your relationship.

Beyond that, not really much I can give in the way of advise. You're wating for "the other shoe to drop" and she's trying to figure out what her response should be. I think she probably wants to be loving and supportive, but doesn't want to be hurt further. And she probably doesn't want to hurt you by promising something she can't deliver on.

Her statement that she doesn't want physical contact might just mean sex? In other words, hugging, touchnig, etc. are fine, but she doesn't feel like sex right now. That would be understandable, of course.

Does she really have people to talk about this with? Probably not nearly as much as you might think. First of all, she's probably keenly aware that this is YOUR secret, not hers. She might well be aware that she has no right to OUT you to her family or friends. And indeed she doesn't. It very well might change their opinion of you, how they treat you, etc. They might feel that you are impossibly selfish toward her, and might even recommend divorce. That's what my father in law did, when he found out about me! That would of course be overreaction, and hopefully your wife understands that, but it's still possible in human nature.

She might also be feeling that people might judge HER. You know, thoughts like "If you were more of a woman to him, he wouldn't do this." People don't react like that, in my experience, at least not nearly as often as the wife may fear it. Of course, anything can happen.

You, on the other hand, have us, your online friends and support groups. You know you can count on us for support, because many of us have been where you are right now.

Right now, I sense, she needs you to be proactive, to be strong and supportive of her. As James Taylor sang it, "shower the people you love with love; show them the way that you feel." Good advice for times like this!

[Sara]

Allena:

I've been precisely where you are and I know the anguish you feel first hand.
Certainly, I cannot predict the future of your relationship-all I can do is relate what happened to us. My wife has a terrible time with it still, and does not want to share that part of my life. But in all other respects, we have gotten through it and our relationship is stronger than ever. But it was not easy, not in the least. She had to vent and strike out and cry, and since I was the one who shocked her, I felt in many ways I had to take it and work hard NOT to strike back (to be clear, I'm not talking physical striking here--all verbal).
My heart goes out to both of you. Please try to be strong. I thought about moving out, and the idea of that freedom had its allures, but that was not realistic--it would only add to the pain.
It may or may not come to that, but the fact that you are welcome in bed and you are still there and you can talk even if tentatively is a positive sign.
Godspeed--and when you need someone to hold your hand or give you a hug and understanding, we can only do it virtually here, but it sure beats being alone.

Love,