I'm reading a book called "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism For Families, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals" Deb asked me to read it for my homework.
As I was reading the Preface I read where the author first sat in with a group of transsexual and transgender individuals.
"At that meeting, I saw a level of emotional pain greater than I had ever previously imagined possible. After listening to one individual after another share heartbreaking stories, I was overwhelmed. "My God!" I said, "Where do you all go for help? Who works with you?" They said they had no one. My heart went out to them. That night, I decided to dedicate myself to working with this special group of people."
As I read this I saw my own lifetime of pain and suffering pour out in front of me and I started crying uncontrollably. Even as I write this I am fighting to hold back the tears. That is such a powerful image. I had no idea how much I had kept bottled up inside me. There is so much pain in there I can only let it out a little at a time.
But it's not the pain that is important. It's the fact that it's coming to the surface and I'm starting to deal with it. With each opening of my soul I let a little more out. And each time I feel a little better. Therapy, something I thought I didn't need, is working.
I write this not to extract sympathy but to help those in similar situations. I want you to know you can feel better about yourself. You can open yourself to those around you and let them inside to meet the real you. It isn't easy but once you start on that path you will be glad you took it.
Love,
Julie
A frighteningly emotional moment
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
-
Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
-
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Hi Julie. 
Your right. I wish I'd had enough sense to start this years ago. I think it is not so much having to hide the feelings, and project an image that was a lie, but it was just not having anyone to just TALK to about it. That release has been so damned great, well, it's nearly indescribable. Just keep on finding yourself hon. You are in there you know. And you know what? You are not alone. 
There's lots of us. 
Love,
Your right. I wish I'd had enough sense to start this years ago. I think it is not so much having to hide the feelings, and project an image that was a lie, but it was just not having anyone to just TALK to about it. That release has been so damned great, well, it's nearly indescribable. Just keep on finding yourself hon. You are in there you know. And you know what? You are not alone. There's lots of us. Love,
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Bless you Julie,
When you first came here I responded to one of your posts and you responded that you didn't need Freud to figure things out.
As a result I just sort of left you alone. Yes hon. there can be a lot of painful things to deal with. I am glad you have found that out and are not afraid to tackle it.
Wishing you the best.
When you first came here I responded to one of your posts and you responded that you didn't need Freud to figure things out.
As a result I just sort of left you alone. Yes hon. there can be a lot of painful things to deal with. I am glad you have found that out and are not afraid to tackle it.
Wishing you the best.
-
Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
Beauty,
The image was this group of girls who somehow had found one another and were struggling with who they were, seemingly alone. Then a therapist comes in and listens and sees "a level of emotional pain greater than I had previously imagined". I saw her sitting there in awe of these brave girls and at the same time her heart going out to them.
To imagine a professional therapist experiencing that and to realize that I have lived that for over half a century. Suddenly emotions welled up inside me. But I later saw myself as a pretty strong person and it gave me hope that someday I won't have to carry that pain any longer.
And Darlene, I apologize for being a hard a** if I was. It makes me think of the guy who only a few short weeks ago was telling his wife, "Therapy isn't doing me any good. I walk out with more baggage than I walked in with." I look back and wonder who that person was. I have changed my view of the world so much these past two weeks. Maybe that's why I'm so emotional lately. I realize I have a lot to get out and in letting it out, crying is inevitable.
Love,
Julie
The image was this group of girls who somehow had found one another and were struggling with who they were, seemingly alone. Then a therapist comes in and listens and sees "a level of emotional pain greater than I had previously imagined". I saw her sitting there in awe of these brave girls and at the same time her heart going out to them.
To imagine a professional therapist experiencing that and to realize that I have lived that for over half a century. Suddenly emotions welled up inside me. But I later saw myself as a pretty strong person and it gave me hope that someday I won't have to carry that pain any longer.
And Darlene, I apologize for being a hard a** if I was. It makes me think of the guy who only a few short weeks ago was telling his wife, "Therapy isn't doing me any good. I walk out with more baggage than I walked in with." I look back and wonder who that person was. I have changed my view of the world so much these past two weeks. Maybe that's why I'm so emotional lately. I realize I have a lot to get out and in letting it out, crying is inevitable.
Love,
Julie
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1878
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 3:02 am
Hi girls,
These words have always had such a profound meaning to me, and it would seem now, more than ever. And sums up what I feel about what Julie, myself, Rebecca, and what so many others are going through. They are from the album "The Wall" and the song is called "The Thin Ice"
I wish I had wrote those words. The whole album deals with "the wall" we build to protect ourselves, but instead it becomes a prison. In the second to the last song on the album "the worm" goes on trial for "thinking thoughts of an almost human sort" in "The Trial". He is found guilty, and as punishment he is sentenced to "be exposed before his peers". The judge proclaims
Love always,
Elizabeth
These words have always had such a profound meaning to me, and it would seem now, more than ever. And sums up what I feel about what Julie, myself, Rebecca, and what so many others are going through. They are from the album "The Wall" and the song is called "The Thin Ice"
Roger Waters wrote:
If you should decide to go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you, the silent reproach
Of million tear stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice.
I wish I had wrote those words. The whole album deals with "the wall" we build to protect ourselves, but instead it becomes a prison. In the second to the last song on the album "the worm" goes on trial for "thinking thoughts of an almost human sort" in "The Trial". He is found guilty, and as punishment he is sentenced to "be exposed before his peers". The judge proclaims
Before I came here, I did not know I had peers, so I could not expose my deepest fears. Now I see many, like Julie who can give account to others exposing thier deepest fears and being inspired by it, as she herself bares her soul to us. I too have made a sincere attempt to bare my soul and reveal my deepest fears, in hope that I can be free from "the wall" I have spent a lifetime building to protect me, which now acts as my own prison.Roger Waters wrote:
Since, my friend, you have revealed your
Deepest fear,
I sentence you to be exposed before
Your peers.
Tear down the wall!
Love always,
Elizabeth
-
Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
-
Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
My wife and I just finished a heart to heart talk. She's really hurting too but while I have Beauty, Carolynn, Lorna, Darlene, Elizabeth and others to support me, she has no one outside of me. And I am the one who has brought her this pain.
I know I didn't do it intentionally. When we got married neither of us had any idea things would be like they are. The pressures I lived under to conform were so great even I bought the act. But the mountain had been smoking for some time and now it's releasing its contents in a slow steady stream of lava. And some of those I love have been burned by this.
She has an appointment with a different gender specialist next week. I hurt for her now but I hope this will help her find her own path to happiness.
In our conversation tonight it seemed she really doesn't want to live with what she sees as ambiguity. I asked her if she could live with me if I had one dress-up day a week. Right now, she says no. One day would be the least I would need to keep from reverting back to the isolated, angry and bitter person I was. I won't ever let that person surface again. So we seem to be at an impasse.
And that's okay so long as we are both looking out for what's best for one another. She has read some of the same books I have and she realizes life has been hell for me. She cares enough about me not to pressure me into anything that would keep me there. And I care enough about her to let her go if that's what it takes to find happiness. If I knew there was a guy out there who could make her truly happy I'd give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her to go for it, if that's what she wanted.
The inner peace I've found has given me the ability to see things so much more clearly. And it's also allowed me to be less selfish. I saw myself so many times in the book I just finished, "True Selves". I understand so much that previously I couldn't even get a handle on.
I am a transsexual. Just seeing that in writing is hard on me. I know what that means in relation to family, friends and coworkers. If I chose to come out all the way it will be one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life. But I'm going to take this one step at a time. I'm not at all anxious to dive into this, I need a lot of time to learn how to cope.
I spoke with a woman who heads up a transition support group today. We talked for a while as she asked questions and I answered them. Then, in typical Julie fashion, I started blabbing away. She was so wonderful and told me I'll fit right in. What surprised me was when she said most of those at the meeting are or have been married and have kids. It seems fooling yourself is a common trait.
Thank you girls, once again. You're the reason I come here.
Love,
Julie
I know I didn't do it intentionally. When we got married neither of us had any idea things would be like they are. The pressures I lived under to conform were so great even I bought the act. But the mountain had been smoking for some time and now it's releasing its contents in a slow steady stream of lava. And some of those I love have been burned by this.
She has an appointment with a different gender specialist next week. I hurt for her now but I hope this will help her find her own path to happiness.
In our conversation tonight it seemed she really doesn't want to live with what she sees as ambiguity. I asked her if she could live with me if I had one dress-up day a week. Right now, she says no. One day would be the least I would need to keep from reverting back to the isolated, angry and bitter person I was. I won't ever let that person surface again. So we seem to be at an impasse.
And that's okay so long as we are both looking out for what's best for one another. She has read some of the same books I have and she realizes life has been hell for me. She cares enough about me not to pressure me into anything that would keep me there. And I care enough about her to let her go if that's what it takes to find happiness. If I knew there was a guy out there who could make her truly happy I'd give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her to go for it, if that's what she wanted.
The inner peace I've found has given me the ability to see things so much more clearly. And it's also allowed me to be less selfish. I saw myself so many times in the book I just finished, "True Selves". I understand so much that previously I couldn't even get a handle on.
I am a transsexual. Just seeing that in writing is hard on me. I know what that means in relation to family, friends and coworkers. If I chose to come out all the way it will be one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life. But I'm going to take this one step at a time. I'm not at all anxious to dive into this, I need a lot of time to learn how to cope.
I spoke with a woman who heads up a transition support group today. We talked for a while as she asked questions and I answered them. Then, in typical Julie fashion, I started blabbing away. She was so wonderful and told me I'll fit right in. What surprised me was when she said most of those at the meeting are or have been married and have kids. It seems fooling yourself is a common trait.
Thank you girls, once again. You're the reason I come here.
Love,
Julie
-
Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Elizabeth,
I too Love the "Wall". It has been the closest to describing my life, my despair. Then at the end finally breaking free. I have dreamed of that reality for years, but only recently have felt that I am breaking free in real life. I still can't put to words how much everyone here has given me to foster belief in myself.
----------------
Julie M.,
You are wonderful! I am still working and crying and giving up the pain of my childhood. This last Monday was the best. When I was 11, I was responsible to keep our cistern on the farm full. It went dry during a blizzard. My father got home and it was dark and cold. He sent me out to get the windmill going and get a hard plastic hose out. The pipe to the well was frozen. The ground was warm enough that there was water and slush in the hole under the windmill. I got down there with a propane torch and tried to thaw so the pullrod could go up and down in the pipe to pump water. I was in freezing water up to my knees for quite some time. My hands were numb. It would not thaw. I went back to the house crying because of the pain. Mother tried to warm my hands and feet and they hurt more. My father started screaming at mother, he grabbed me and pushed me out the door, throwed my coat out and told me not to come back until I had it thawed. I slid down the hole into the water. I cryed and cryed because of the pain in my hands and feet. I thought of just walking into the night in the snow storm. The pain started to go away. the pipe thawed and the thing started pumping water. I went back in the house and mother started to warm my hands and feet with cold water, trying to limit the pain. As I warmed up, the pain got worse and worse and I started to cry and screamed a couple times. Dad hollered at me and told mother to shut me up.
In therapy I go back in my mind and experience these feelings again. I felt as it is happening that moment. My therapist in her sweet tones tells and explains to me that good fathers don't treat the children this way. We tap the healing capacity I have in myself to heal the trauma and the real physical pain.
This is the big thing. She expains to me how I am such a brave little boy and the strength within me helped me to survive and to succeed. She told me I have that strength in me today. She makes it work for me.
After an hour of crying and sobbing I walked out healed over that incident and by connection make other similar situations a little easier to get over.
Julie, I believe all of us have this strength. Our pain has made us strong. We can't be beaten. Know your pain and feel your strength to not only survive but to flower into the person you know yourself to be.
You are a wonderful person, give yourself time to heal.
Kersten
I too Love the "Wall". It has been the closest to describing my life, my despair. Then at the end finally breaking free. I have dreamed of that reality for years, but only recently have felt that I am breaking free in real life. I still can't put to words how much everyone here has given me to foster belief in myself.
----------------
Julie M.,
You are wonderful! I am still working and crying and giving up the pain of my childhood. This last Monday was the best. When I was 11, I was responsible to keep our cistern on the farm full. It went dry during a blizzard. My father got home and it was dark and cold. He sent me out to get the windmill going and get a hard plastic hose out. The pipe to the well was frozen. The ground was warm enough that there was water and slush in the hole under the windmill. I got down there with a propane torch and tried to thaw so the pullrod could go up and down in the pipe to pump water. I was in freezing water up to my knees for quite some time. My hands were numb. It would not thaw. I went back to the house crying because of the pain. Mother tried to warm my hands and feet and they hurt more. My father started screaming at mother, he grabbed me and pushed me out the door, throwed my coat out and told me not to come back until I had it thawed. I slid down the hole into the water. I cryed and cryed because of the pain in my hands and feet. I thought of just walking into the night in the snow storm. The pain started to go away. the pipe thawed and the thing started pumping water. I went back in the house and mother started to warm my hands and feet with cold water, trying to limit the pain. As I warmed up, the pain got worse and worse and I started to cry and screamed a couple times. Dad hollered at me and told mother to shut me up.
In therapy I go back in my mind and experience these feelings again. I felt as it is happening that moment. My therapist in her sweet tones tells and explains to me that good fathers don't treat the children this way. We tap the healing capacity I have in myself to heal the trauma and the real physical pain.
This is the big thing. She expains to me how I am such a brave little boy and the strength within me helped me to survive and to succeed. She told me I have that strength in me today. She makes it work for me.
After an hour of crying and sobbing I walked out healed over that incident and by connection make other similar situations a little easier to get over.
Julie, I believe all of us have this strength. Our pain has made us strong. We can't be beaten. Know your pain and feel your strength to not only survive but to flower into the person you know yourself to be.
You are a wonderful person, give yourself time to heal.
Kersten
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi Kersten,
When I read things like that my face becomes this very sullen visage. Then I begin to get miffed at an adult, then I feel sorry for a mom who can't over power a man physically. Then I want to become a time traveler. I wouldn't go into the house and do anything to upset the parents, but I would have gone to you as a child and helped warm your hands, your feet (would have brought boots, dry gloves, and dry socks), and would have helped you get the cistern working. Then I'd wish you well and head back to the future.
I agree with your therapist about what that means about your dad. I won't go any deeper than that. I'm not anyone to critique your parent. That's you and your therapist's job.
Thank you for sharing that story with us. I'm so sorry it happened. It makes you even more beautiful to me. You are such a great person Kersten. Just wonderful.
Beauty
When I read things like that my face becomes this very sullen visage. Then I begin to get miffed at an adult, then I feel sorry for a mom who can't over power a man physically. Then I want to become a time traveler. I wouldn't go into the house and do anything to upset the parents, but I would have gone to you as a child and helped warm your hands, your feet (would have brought boots, dry gloves, and dry socks), and would have helped you get the cistern working. Then I'd wish you well and head back to the future.
I agree with your therapist about what that means about your dad. I won't go any deeper than that. I'm not anyone to critique your parent. That's you and your therapist's job.
Thank you for sharing that story with us. I'm so sorry it happened. It makes you even more beautiful to me. You are such a great person Kersten. Just wonderful.
Beauty
-
Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Normally I just post in the same post, but the two posts were too different to put into one.
Julie.. wow! Congrats for coming out to yourself. I really felt that you had been saying you are indeed a TS, with some of your posts lately, and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us here.
We love you no matter how you were born. I'm so happy for you. I think it's wonderful for you to admit who you are and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I'm so totally happy you chose us to be among the first who you told!!
Beauty
Julie.. wow!
Congrats for coming out to yourself. I really felt that you had been saying you are indeed a TS, with some of your posts lately, and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us here. We love you no matter how you were born.
I'm so happy for you. I think it's wonderful for you to admit who you are and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I'm so totally happy you chose us to be among the first who you told!! Beauty
-
CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
