THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Jessie]

I love the second joke



Jessie

[Lorna]

Doh!!

LOL!!!

[Carolynn]

Little boy, standing in the middle of the mall, crying.
Security cop, stops, says "Hey kid, whatsa matter? You lost?"
"Yeth," the little one says, "I lost my daddy"
The cop makes a quick scan, but doesn't see any likely candidates.
"Lost your dad huh. What's he like?"
"Beer and Blondes"! supplies the little boy, helpfully.

[Rachel Ann]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "Not yet."

[Loretta Ann]

[Sally]

This duck goes into a store, walks up to the cosmetics counter and says to the girl, " I'd like a lipstick please"

The girl says, "Will that be cash or charge"

The duck says," Just put it on my bill"

[Lorna]

This duck goes into a store, walks up to the cosmetics counter and says to the girl, " I'd like a lipstick please"

The girl says, "Will that be cash or charge"

The duck says," Just put it on my bill"

Al oldie but a goodie!

[Sally]

Once there was this female artist whose eyesight was beginning to fail. fearing she would be unable to live her lifes' work she consulted an eye specialist, who duly corrected her eye problem and once again she could see perfectly.

She was so over whelmed by the doctor's ability to cure her she offered to paint and decorate his rooms for free. Part of her work included her painting a huge eye on one of the walls in the doctors waiting room.

The artist duly held a press conference to exhibit her work of art at the doctors rooms.

During the press conference one reporter noticed the huge eye painted on the wall and said to the doctor. " What was your reaction when you saw your newly decorated consulting rooms, especially the wall with the huge eye on it?"

The eye doctor replied, " I said to myself, Thank the Good Lord that I'm not a gynecologist."

[Lorna]

Jeff is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he asks, "How much?"

She says, "Twenty bucks."

He says, "All right."

They climb down under the boardwalk, and they do the deed.

The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while they're doing the deed, she blasts two incredible farts.

When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars.

She asks, "What's with the extra five?"

He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls!"

[DonnaT]

Teacher's Day

To show the parents appreciation for our teachers, every year we celibrated teacher's day and all the boys and girls would bring a gift from the parents.

The teacher had the boys and girls come up front one at a time to keep order in the class room.

Bobby was the first one up, and the teacher knew his dad owned a candy store. She opened the present and found a box of chocolates.

The next person was Mary, and the teacher knew her mother worked at the perfume store. The teacher opened the box and found a bottle of perfume.

Next up was little Johnny. His dad owned the liquer store. She noticed a wet spot on the package, and hoped that he hadn't dropped it. He sat the gift on her desk. She reached over and touched the wet spot and tasted it. "Champaine?" she asked.

Little Johnny, said, "No Ma'am."

So she did it again, and asked, "Brandy?"

He shook his head no, and said, "No Ma'am, puppy."

[Carolynn]

There was a guy who had a long term girlfriend named Lorraine. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working in his office. Her name was Clearly and she was juuuust gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly, and it was soon obvious she was equally interested in him. But this guy was loyal to a fault, and he just couldn't bring himself to go out with Clearly while he was still going with Lorraine. He decide there was nothing for it, but he would have to break up with Lorraine. But they had been such good friends for so long, and known each other forever, and he was having a hard time breaking up.

Then one day as they walked along the river, Lorraine reached for a drifting flower, over balanced, and fell into the deep, swift current, which immediately drew her down and she was gone. Her boyfriend ran up and down the bank searching for her, and couldn't find her. He realized, since she had not resurfaced, she was likely dead. He bowed his head in silence, remembering their good times, then looked up with a smile and walked away singing
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone....."

[DonnaT]

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches. When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed she could solve the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation. He left the hospital wearing panties under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

(You're giggleing, right?)

He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life. As he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like to see some of your suits."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure . . "

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll, so he said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . 9 Wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 6, er, 36." Joe laughed and said, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You shouldn't wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Connie]

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.

The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.

The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

[DonnaT]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the vicar came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The vicar tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking down the High Street a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[DonnaT]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in
the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try
again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired he couldn't get out of bed from all the
work hauling his female pigs to mate . He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud
or in the grass this morning."

"Neither," yelled his wife back , "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."