THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 8:08 pm

"A well known chef bought several cases of carp. Endeavoring to create a new signature dish, he tried combining herbs and spices with shortening but found that the cooking time had to be exact. So when the chef received a phone call during the dinner hour, he had to cut it short, explaining, "I left my carp in saffron Crisco."

Post by **DonnaT** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 10:09 pm

BIG GROAN

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 4:04 am

A Professional
==============

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands.

"Then," she asked me,

"has your plane arrived yet?"

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Thu Dec 09, 2004 9:54 am

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues. Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:59 pm

OK. This one was just to bad not belong here!!

Q:What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?

A:A duck filled fatty puss.

Carolynn

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Sat Jan 15, 2005 9:53 am

This warms me to tears on the whole human experience thing.

I contemplated on where to place it...but I think it would reside better here. (appropriately edited, of course)
Enjoy
Kyra

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f*** you.

Life is good.

Sincerely, Edna

Samantha Jane · Post by **Samantha Jane** » Sat Jan 15, 2005 6:37 pm

Guy steps outside his house and walks into the garden, turning he see's his good friend and neighbour Bill.
'Evening Bill' he said. 'I'll tell you, this time last week I stepped outside my front door only to see 6 blokes, punching and kicking the stuffing out of my mother-law'.
Bill then asks. 'Did you help?'
'Naw, I thought 6 more more than enough!'

Charlotte xx

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:55 pm

Poor mother-in-law!!!

Ok. At a baby shower her coworkers gave her, Stella mentioned she had a craving for grapes. She joked "My husband and I have been wondering if we are making a little wine maker in her!"

"Don't laugh", said one older friend. "I couldn't stop eating doughnuts, and now my son is a policeman."

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 10:00 pm

Oh goood! Laugh stop is back on line. This is so bad it's almost good!

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had
ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be....?" ....."Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk.

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:45 pm

A wife and husband buy a single gravestone (presumably an act of mutual marital faith). The husband passes away "before his time" and the wife, after a few years, falls in love again and remarries. Where shall she be buried? The solution was cremation. She could be cremated and put next to both husbands, which, of course, would make her diurnal.

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 10:40 pm

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just ............
A COMMON TATER !!

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:46 pm

GROAN!!!!!!

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 5:03 pm

Reality bites the Teacher

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy manure! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:33 am

LOL!!!

I mean...

"such language!"

:: closes door to room and breaks out laughing loudly again ::

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 10:35 am

That is great ! And it very well could be the truth. There was a new teacher in Georgia who was reading the attendence list for the first time and each child answered "here" until she reached the last name on the list (TRUE STORY so don't blame me!) pot hole, Not wishing to say the "name" she stopped and asked if she had called everyone? One young girl in the back raised her hand -"And what is your name, dear?"
As' so la" came the answer.
Truth is stranger than fiction
Virginia

Crossdressers-Haven.com

THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 LOCKED

Crisco joke

Carpooling

The mother in-law

Grave matters!!!