THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Carolynn]

>> >> A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
>> that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can
>> differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
>> >>
>> >> For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
>> rugged and masculine features.
>> >>
>> >> However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be
> more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape
> over his mouth while he is on fire.
>> >>
>> >> No further studies are expected.

[Lorna]

[Carolynn]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room. He had spent most of his day and his evening so far watching sports on TV, even eating his meals in front of it.

During a commercial, he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So his wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

[Lorna]

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and asked him, "Did you like what you saw?"

"Yes I did," Mike said.

"Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500," she replied.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay great!" she answered. "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, and then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"

Thinking she had been caught she said, "As a matter of fact, he did."

"Terry said, "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he'd stop by and leave it with you!"

[Lorna]

What's invisible & smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

Hey, this IS the 'bad jokes' thread; you asked for it... worse jokes to come!!

[Kyra]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[Carolynn]

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike, "Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

[Carolynn]

RED NECK WISDOM:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 'Nuff said!!!!

[Beauty]

Double ouch!!!

[Lorna]

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike, "Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

UGGG infinity, hon!!!

That's one for the bad joke archives for sure!!

[Lorna]

Another groaner, ladies...

Q. Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
A. He was looking for a Czech mate.

Q. What did the Momma Buffalo say to her child buffalo as he left for school?
A. Bison!

[Eva]

I love the bad jokes thread!!!!!!! e

[Kyra]

What did one fungus say to the other fungus?



*I've really taken a "lichen" to you.*

[SilverLady(SO)]

Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.



{Hey, I don't write them, I just pass them along!}

[Lorna]