THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Jeannie]

Aileen.I was talking with my GG friend last friday and her husband had sent her a dozen roses. She complained"Great! Now I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread!" I replied. "Honey. Don't you have vase?" Hugs


Love
Jeannie

[Lorna]

Aileen.I was talking with my GG friend last friday and her husband had sent her a dozen roses. She complained"Great! Now I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread!" I replied. "Honey. Don't you have vase?" Hugs


Love
Jeannie

Aww damn...

[Danette]

That's it Jeannie , The people in the White Coats are on thier way.

Hugs,
Danette

[Carolynn]

Conversion

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass.."You was born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish ."

[Sally]

There was this blonde who was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes, so one day she decided to paint the house while her hubby was at work and show him that blondes weren't really dumb.

Off she went, bought a can opf paint, some brushes and started painting the lounge room.

When her hubby came home he smelt the distinct smell of paint, then he saw her lying on the couch and she was wearing a ski jacket over another jacket and sweating profusely.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
She replied,"Well I decided to paint the lounge room while you were at work to show you that just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm dumb."

He said,"Well the painting looks good, but why are you wearing your ski jacket over your other jacket?"

The blonde pointed to the can of paint and said,"Well the instructions say that for best results it's better to put on two coats."

[DonnaT]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
hair.....
`
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush...that afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth on the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap........The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Jeannie]

I remember the last time I was in bed with Mini and I was feeling a little spunky. I said "Hey Min!. Let's fool around!" "No" She replied"I'm going to the Gynocologist tomorrow morning and I want to be fresh".
"Ok." I said "But your not going to the Dentist are you?


Love
Jeannie

[Loy B(SO)]

As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal Mart
> >
> > yesterday, a particularly unkempt, unattractive and
> >
> > mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body
> >
> > odor pushed me aside. Shoving past me, the
> >
> > woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking
> >
> > another older lady down, grabbed the first cart
> >
> > and swung it around, hitting an older man working
> >
> > there as a Wal Mart Greeter.
> >
> >
> >
> > As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's
> >
> > stomach, in a kind and friendly voice the Greeter
> >
> > said, while gesturing toward the two children, "Are
> >
> > they twins?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you
> >
> > old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are
> >
> > you so blind you think they look alike?"
> >
> >
> >
> > "No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't
> >
> > believe you got laid twice".

[Jeannie]

I like that one Loy B.LOL

[Loy B(SO)]

I know I'm going to hell for this ,but oh well:

Did you hear the Pope got the Bird Flu

He got it from a cardinal

BTW I was raised Catholic

[Jeannie]

I was raised Catholic also. It's odd that the Catholic church has the cross as it's symbol. they're everywhere.Do really think if Jesus ever walks the earth again he ever wants to see another freaking cross? I think not! Hugs

Love
Jeannie

[Loy B(SO)]

Never thought about that Jeannie-How true though. I bet a cross would be the last thing he wanted to see!

[DonnaT]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S backside OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S
backside.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day -

: NUN HAS BEST backside IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS backside FOR £10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER backside IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery; even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's backside and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[SilverLady(SO)]

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery; even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's backside and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

No truer words have ever been said!!



- SL

[SilverLady(SO)]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!"

"No, no... it's true..." said the first man, "let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window.

He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished. "Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passing the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... Then his body hits the sidewalk... SPLAT!!!!

Back upstairs, the bartender, who had been silent the whole time, turns to the first drinker, shakes his head and says.....

"You know, Superman, you're a real backside when you're drunk."






- SL