THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **

[Carolynn]

A priest, a Baptist minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar together.

The bartender looks at them, and says "What is this, a joke?"

[Curly(SO)]

A fish swims into a wall...what did he say?



Dam

[SilverLady(SO)]

- SL

[DonnaT]

What kind of nurse would fall in love with a rich patient? A practical nurse.

What did God say to the man on the moon? Kneel Armstrong!

How does the queen bee get around her hive? She's throne!

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school? Bison!

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"

The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that, either! Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."

[SilverLady(SO)]

. . . hence the name of the thread!!





- SL

[Carolynn]

Weellllll, this one could border on the offensive for some, so I will put it here and it can be edited/deleted if anyone objects.

An American sailor was young and stupid, sowing his "wild oats", and having unprotected sex with women all over the Asian countries to prove he is male. When he got back, he noticed swelling and puss developing all around his penis.

He went to see a private doctor bypassing his doctor on the ship. The first doctor was unsure of the disease and strongly recommended removing his penis at a cost of $20,000. The sailor wanted a second opinion and consulted with another doctor with less experience. The doctor recommended the same procedure but will cost only $10,000.

The sailor walk out of the doctor office depressed. He saw a chinese doctor's office across the street and thought that they may know better about Asian disease. After consultation, the asian doctor told him in an asian voice and tone:

"Good news. No need to cut off penis, can save you $$$."

The sailor was confused and asked why the american doctor recommended penis removal and why the high cost. The asian doctor reply:

"American doctor only wants money. Your penis will fall off by itself."

This one was told with slight variations to every sailor new to our ship by the medical staff, to encourage safe sex. I had it recently brought to mind by an asian friend who asked if I had heard it. No, not for that reason! We were just swapping old jokes.

[Sally]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[DonnaT]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There´s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma´am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I´d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the baseball stadium. Each time there´s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what´s in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hee hee!!!!

- SL

[Lisbeth]

So there was this uncharted island ( of course) and on this island in a lagoon lived some porpoises. They were very special porpoises. They had the ability to live forever. In order to live forever every year they would have to feast on the myna birds that lived on the other side of the island. All year they trained a monkey to go and fetch some of the mynas for the feast. Finally the day came for the monkey to go get the mynas. He started across the island and was making good time when he came across some big lions just lounging around all well groomed and looking very sharp. The monkey waited until the lions had all fallen asleep and then he tip toed over them and proceeded to where he could catch the myna birds for the porpoises. He finally had enough so he started back. When he again came across the lions they were still sleeping so he tip toed over them again and was almost back to the lagoon with the porpoises when he got arrested.

The charge?


Transporting mynas across stately lions for immortal porpoises.

Lisbeth

[SilverLady(SO)]

Lisbeth, honey, you've joined the esteemed ranks of Sally, Carolynn, and DonnaT for their truly bad jokes . . . thanks for the smiles today!

Well, we GG's may have bad jokes, but they're not truly bad jokes!

Have a great day, everyone!!



- SL

[Virginia]

As was written on my high school senior yearbook picture. "It is not good to wake a sleeping lion." That story just about did!! Greeat!
Virginia

[Lydia]

Biological preface “schistosome”: A parasitic worm also known as Bilharzia and blood-fluke endemic to tropical regions of Africa, Asia and South America. It is second only to malaria in importance as a disease of humans and other mammals, infecting hundreds of millions worldwide.

Story:
There was a pair of schistosomes living in the blood stream of a horse. There they were happily keeping house in the horse’s artery, when the girl schistosome decided to go elsewhere. She was tired of being in the same blood stream. So, against advice, she wriggled and swam from the home stream to a vein. Soon after, she died.

Moral:
Don’t change streams in the middle of a horse.

Hugs,
Lydia

[Sally]

WHY THE BRITISH SOLDIERS WORE RED COATS

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him quite extensively.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked: "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland but proud British way, the officer informed the general that the reason British Officers wear red coats is if they are shot the blood doesn't show, and the men they are leading don't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this........All French Army officers wear brown pants.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Lydia, you may add yourself as a member in that esteemed group, also!

Sally . . . no sh*t, Sherlock, er, Charles De Gaulle!!




Love ya, girlfriends!!

- SL