Musical Winds:
Sidney was a leader and impresario of several rock bands, and was always looking for new acoustic, new musical tones. One day, outside a sauerkraut factory, heard a perfect middle C. It was one of the employees breaking wind.
Later on he heard an F, from a neighbor. He began listening carefully to these tones produced by simple farts.
An idea came to him - how about a farting band? He began assembling people with all possible tones, and eventually assembled a group of eleven, each producing a tone from the well-tempered musical scale. All except an E-flat.
Sidney searched and searched for the perfect E-flat fart, and listened to innumerable tones, none of which were properly in tune. He searched everywhere, looking for the right E-flat.
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He left no stern untoned.
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Lydia
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #1 ** LOCKED **
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
The Red Neck and the Police
The Redneck and His Dog
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied
the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who
owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool kawse I got
'ER tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be
bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't
hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to
understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I
always wanted a police dog!"
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied
the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who
owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool kawse I got
'ER tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be
bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't
hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to
understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I
always wanted a police dog!"
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
hummm, sounds like a logical outcome
Our local CVS Pharmacy was robbed...of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The robber is suspected to be a hardened criminal!
The robber is suspected to be a hardened criminal!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
The bad jokes thread....
Anyone who owns 60 pair of shoes would know the feeling. no names mentioned... 
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The Centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for a while and try again later.
A while later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The Centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it another half an hour, and if the Centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
A half hour hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The Centipede shouts back "I heard you the first time you moron! Give me time, I'm putting my shoes on!"
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The Centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for a while and try again later.
A while later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The Centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it another half an hour, and if the Centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
A half hour hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The Centipede shouts back "I heard you the first time you moron! Give me time, I'm putting my shoes on!"
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
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- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Hmmm . . . methinks she's trying to razz me about my shoe collection . . . I love it!!!
Oh, and it's only 60 pairs of high heels, 10 pairs of boots, 10 pairs of flip-flops, 2 pairs of sandals, 8 pairs of Ked-style shoes, 12 pairs of tennis shoes, and I also have 8 pairs of slippers, including the moccasin-style . . . and that's what is remaining after I have set aside 7 pairs of heels &/or boots to donate to Goodwill.
If Virginia has her way and gets me into powerlifting competition, then I'll have to buy special shoes just for that, too!
Yes, I love my shoes . . . and I still haven't found a pair of (reasonably-priced) white, peep-toe, sling-back high heels (non-wedge)!! ::hmpf::
Who is this Imelda Marcus, anyway?!?
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
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A chicken & an egg were lying on the bed, the chicken was smoking with a smile on its face, the miserable looking egg muttered, "well I guess that answers the age old question then".
DSW usually carries some nice ones.SilverLady(SO) wrote:I still haven't found a pair of (reasonably-priced) white, peep-toe, sling-back high heels (non-wedge)!! ::hmpf::
DonnaT
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Thanks for the tip, Donna - - but DSW does not have a location in the Roanoke area.
I'm determined to find those shoes, though, and I *will* succeed!!
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
- Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
-
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread
A total of 117 pairs.....hmmmmmmmmm, and no glass slipper either....is this what is meant by bearing, er um, I mean baring your sole, er um soul...and no wooden shoe either, but then that might clog the cupboard up.
I once would have liked to have had that many pairs and getting them I thought would be a shoo in, but I'm on a shoe string budget.....
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know
I once would have liked to have had that many pairs and getting them I thought would be a shoo in, but I'm on a shoe string budget.....
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
Lori A
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:50 pm
- Location: West Tennessee
[quote="Carolynn"]Ha, Eloise, you charged right in with that one, huh!!! 
Give these a try!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
When I was a young soldier stationed in Mannheim,
FRG one of the units I supported had a new cook assigned to it as they had a consolidated mess hall on that post. She was a very cute red head and I was extremely shy. One day as I was going through the line when they had fried chicken which she was serving it she asked which pieces I wanted. With out thinking i said I want a breast and a thigh. She smiled and started blushing and I realized what that must have sounded like, a pick up line. I said the chicken damn, it the chicken
Give these a try! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
When I was a young soldier stationed in Mannheim,
FRG one of the units I supported had a new cook assigned to it as they had a consolidated mess hall on that post. She was a very cute red head and I was extremely shy. One day as I was going through the line when they had fried chicken which she was serving it she asked which pieces I wanted. With out thinking i said I want a breast and a thigh. She smiled and started blushing and I realized what that must have sounded like, a pick up line. I said the chicken damn, it the chicken
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Lori A
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:50 pm
- Location: West Tennessee
Carolynn - here's one to add:
There was the sexy female news anchor who was making light conversation to the weatherman just before he was about to report on a blizzard that was supposed to hit the Metropolitan area but never did.
She said, "So where's that 12 inches you promised me last night?"
[/quote]
Neal Boortz told a story one day about when one of the local channels in Atlanta hired it's first black anchor man, and had a white woman doing the weather.
There was a cold front in the forecast and as he pitched it to her he turned and asked "Are we goin to get any of that white stuff tonight?" I don't think so Charley!
There was the sexy female news anchor who was making light conversation to the weatherman just before he was about to report on a blizzard that was supposed to hit the Metropolitan area but never did.
She said, "So where's that 12 inches you promised me last night?"
[/quote]Neal Boortz told a story one day about when one of the local channels in Atlanta hired it's first black anchor man, and had a white woman doing the weather.
There was a cold front in the forecast and as he pitched it to her he turned and asked "Are we goin to get any of that white stuff tonight?" I don't think so Charley!
-
Lori A
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:50 pm
- Location: West Tennessee
A bear and a rabbit were taking a crap side by side in the woods one day and the bear turned to the rabbit and asked, Mr Rabbit, do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur? Mr Rabbit replied: Well, no Mr Bear I don't have a problem with crap sticking to my fur, why do you ask?
The bear says Good, picks up the rabbit and wiped his a**
What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilean
Where can she get a job?
IHOP
What do you call a man who has no arms and no legs when he falls into the lake?
Bob!
What the difference between the average wife and a truckers wife?
When a man starts to go down on the average wife she acts all grossed out and says quit that you discusting pig.
Where as the truckers wife says: "Looking good to the split South bound, when you get down there just stick it in the big hole and gouge on it.
What do men have in common with parking places?
All the good ones are usually taken, and what's left is usually handicapped
The bear says Good, picks up the rabbit and wiped his a**
What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilean
Where can she get a job?
IHOP
What do you call a man who has no arms and no legs when he falls into the lake?
Bob!
What the difference between the average wife and a truckers wife?
When a man starts to go down on the average wife she acts all grossed out and says quit that you discusting pig.
Where as the truckers wife says: "Looking good to the split South bound, when you get down there just stick it in the big hole and gouge on it.
What do men have in common with parking places?
All the good ones are usually taken, and what's left is usually handicapped
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Anne Geraux
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:24 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
jokes
These are all great jokes
very old and yet so loveable.
very old and yet so loveable.
I love to dress up. I love the feel of feminine undergarments on my skin.
I imagine that I could be in full dressup always and pass in public as a totally frue-frue girrly girl.
I imagine that I could be in full dressup always and pass in public as a totally frue-frue girrly girl.
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
HTBAPB
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother- of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it,
but she
refused 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and
I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few
days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When
they
stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you
could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the
wedding.'
(HTBAPB - HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH!!)
* * * * * * * *
This thread has been split, and locked, due to its large size. The second section may be found here:
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=8596
- SL
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother- of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it,
but she
refused 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and
I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few
days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When
they
stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you
could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the
wedding.'
(HTBAPB - HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH!!)
* * * * * * * *
This thread has been split, and locked, due to its large size. The second section may be found here:
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=8596
- SL
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born